The Femme Cast
Welcome to The Femme Cast—the podcast for women who are truly ready to break free from toxic relationship cycles, choose themselves, and become a magnet for the love they deserve.
I’m Maria — Master Energy Healer, Radical Self-Love Leader, and Relationship Mentor.
I work with the women who are cycle breakers, grid shakers, and truth layers — the brave souls who came here to dismantle the inherited beliefs that told them they had to chase love, prove their worth, and beg to be chosen.
I help them break free from the karmic cycles and generational patterns that keep them stuck in toxic relationships and self-abandonment — so they can unapologetically choose themselves, reclaim their inherent worth, and become magnetic to soul-aligned love, expansive opportunities, and the liberated life they were born to lead.
Without ever shrinking, settling, or self-abandoning again.
I’ve been where you are, stuck in cycles of chasing love, begging to be chosen, and abandoning myself again and again in the name of love. But I turned my pain into purpose, and now I’m here to help you do the same.
Each week, I share personal stories, actionable insights, and a blend of spiritual and practical tools to help you heal from past wounds, reclaim your self-worth, and rewrite your love story. You’ll hear everything from vulnerable truths about my own journey to breaking toxic patterns to empowering lessons that will guide you toward creating the healthy, loving relationships you crave.
Join me as we say goodbye to self-abandonment, people-pleasing, and unhealthy dynamics, and hello to radical self-love, emotional freedom, and true empowerment.
It’s time to reclaim the version of you who never had to beg to be chosen.
You ready?
Let’s do this.
The Femme Cast
You Were Never Meant to Earn Love | Breaking the Cycle of Self-Abandonment in Relationships
What if the exhausting chase for love—the overthinking, overgiving, people-pleasing, and shrinking yourself just to be chosen—was never your fault… but the result of a belief system that was handed down to you without your consent?
In this raw and soul-stirring episode of The Femme Cast, I’m pulling back the curtain on one of the deepest wounds so many women carry: the belief that love must be earned.
If you've ever asked yourself:
🎤 “Why do I keep chasing emotionally unavailable partners?”
🎤 “Why do I lose myself in relationships that never truly nourish me?”
🎤 “What would it look like to choose myself—really, deeply, unapologetically?”
…this conversation is for you.
We’ll explore how this subconscious conditioning—passed through generations, religion, school systems, and patriarchal programming—has created a dangerous pattern of self-abandonment in the name of love. You’ll hear intimate, never-before-shared stories from my own dating history (hello, circus-in-my-head level overthinking 👀) and how I finally stopped performing, contorting, and settling for breadcrumbs… and reclaimed my wholeness.
In this episode, we dive into:
🎤 The hidden origins of the “I must earn love” wound—and why it’s not your fault
🎤 How this belief leads us to chase chemistry while ignoring compatibility
🎤 The moment I decided to stop performing for love and what shifted after
🎤 What it really means to trust that you are enough, as you are
🎤 How to reverse-engineer this pattern and attract love from a place of wholeness, not hustle
This isn’t just about relationships. It’s a full-body reclamation of your self-worth, your desires, and your sacred “no more.”
You’ll walk away with the clarity to stop asking “How can I get them to love me?” and start asking “Is this even someone I want in my life?”
Because the truth is: you don’t have to earn love. You were born worthy of it. And when you finally stop chasing what’s not aligned… you create space for what deeply is.
🎧 Press play. Share with a sister. And don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review if this episode cracked something open for you.
Ready to stop abandoning yourself for love? To finally rise from the wreckage of betrayal and become the woman you were born to be?
The Sacred Reclamation Series: Betrayal Edition now playing right here on The Femme Cast.
5 soul-stirring podcast episodes + a FREE live healing + activation on July 29th @ 8PM EST
This is your sign.
This is your turning point.
Claim your seat now at the FREE live healing + activation now.
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/masterclass
Hey you guys, what is up and welcome back to the show. I'm so excited and grateful to have you guys back. We had an amazing week last week with the series on betrayal Truly, truly powerful five episode series. We're actually as the at the time that I'm recording this, we're actually getting ready to do the activation tomorrow. So by the time you hear this activation, well, actually you know what it might be just coming up. So, because I think I'm posting this on Monday or Tuesday before the activation, so at the time that you're listening to this, you can still join the live free activation. It's going to be 90 minutes. It's going to be on the Tuesday night following this episode or the day of this episode at 8 pm Eastern time. Just subscribe using the link in the show notes and you can join me live for the activation. It's going to be really, really, really powerful. It's all about alchemizing your pain from heartbreak, from letdown, from disappointment, from being betrayed or manipulated in relationship, using that pain in body and alchemizing it into a true like, literally your rising moment where you reclaim the parts of yourself that knew she never had to beg to be chosen, reclaim the parts of yourself that you probably betrayed at some point and really step out as the version of you that this betrayal or heartbreak is actually trying to activate, which is always just this magnificent next level version of you. So if that sounds like something that you would be interested in or needing right now, you can find the link in the show notes to join us either tomorrow or tonight, depending on when you're seeing this.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Okay, so let's dive into the topic for today. We're switching gears now, so I really wanted to have this conversation around, you know, unlearning this belief that we have to earn love. Okay, and I'm actually going to go as far as I can today, because it is like 45 freaking degrees outside and I've got my AC off so that you don't pick it up on the mic. I hate when I have my AC on and I'm recording because you can hear it in the background and it just bugs me, so I've turned it off. We will go as long as we can. Please keep in mind I am perimenopausal and heat with me does not really work really well, anyway, okay, so we're going to talk about this belief, about, you know, that's, for many of us, been ingrained so deeply that we need to earn love, and it is really ingrained, you know, whether intentionally or innocently like I don't think our parents ever intentionally wanted to instill this in us but I think it's just been such a part of the patriarchal sort of construct that we've been living in from generation to generation.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:I feel like it's a belief that's been passed down again and again and again through family, through parenting, through teaching and guiding and healing, and, you know, ministering. You know we're always taught this sort of ideology that we need to earn love. Right, we need to do good in school in order to get that good grade. We need to, you know, do as we're told, to please our parents, to make sure that, you know, we get along well with them. You know we need to.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:You know, read the Bible, follow the Ten Commandments or whatever religious study or whatever religious practice, right, that you've been indoctrinated into. You know there's all these ideas that we need to adhere to a certain sense, a set of beliefs or criteria or or requirements in order to be loved and to be a healthy, functioning member of society. Right, and I think you know, on many levels. You know I'm not going to say there's not guidelines Of course there's guidelines. Of course there's right and wrong. And of course, there's things that we should do and things that we shouldn't do, and things that are good for us and things that are not so good for us, right, and things that are good for other people and not so good for other people, right. Like I mean, there's always a choice to be made. There's always, you know, there's always an aligned action and a not aligned action. You know whether aligned actions always yield positive results.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:I don't know, jury's still out on that one, but the point that I'm trying to make is love should never be conditional on, you know, us trying to earn it, to prove ourselves right. So for somebody like me, right, and probably you, if you're listening to this, love for you and for me, like I'm saying, this is me right now like love for me. My default belief was that I needed to earn love. Like I didn't. I don't even think I even comprehended a reality where love didn't need to be earned, and I don't know where that came from. Again, it was just so like, it was so organically handed down that it never made. No one ever said to me listen, sit the fuck down, because I'm not going to love you until you give me a reason to like. Nobody ever did that to me, you know, but I do believe that it was so ingrained in the adults in the room that it was just naturally handed down to me, you know. And so for me it just became my default that I needed to earn love. And what that looked like for me was, you know, I, if let's say, for example and I'm literally just pulling an example out of my ass right now but let's say, for example, like I'm into somebody, right, and I really like them. So my first instinct is how do I like? Back in the day, not now, my first instinct was always okay.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:How do I oppress this guy? How do I get his attention If I know, if I'm starting to become aware of where he's going and what he's doing, and how can I place myself in his path? And you know, what should I wear when I see him so I can kind of get his attention? And when I do get his attention, what do I say? How do I respond? How do I act? Do I play it cool? Do I act like I don't care? Do I act like I don't see him? Wait for him to come up to me? Do I wink at him. Do I actually find a way to fumble through and have a conversation with this guy? Right? This was five minutes in my head back in my 20s. It was like a circus freak show in there of like constant, like overthinking and overanalyzing what to do, what to say, how to show up, what to wear, etc. Etc. Etc.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:So, without even realizing it, my default response when I saw somebody that I was interested in was how do I earn their love, how do I earn their approval, how do I earn their respect? How do I earn their affection? And it was never a question of is this person right for me? When I get to know this person, do I actually want this person in my life? Are they actually a good match for me? Do we share the same values, the same beliefs, the same interests? Right? Never even occurred to me to think about that. Do I feel good when I'm around them? Do they treat me well? Do they treat me with respect and integrity? You know, like these are things that I didn't even. They didn't even like take up space in my mind. They never even creeped in as an afterthought.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:It was always about there's a guy I like the guy. How do I get the guy you know and without ever considering whether or not they were right for me. And this is where I think the trap of you know how we get caught up in a lot of these emotionally unavailable relationships is that we see this relationship, we see the possibility of relationship, as a chase, before we even recognize whether we've identified whether or not that person is even right for us. We're already chasing them right and we're already trying to find ways to earn their love, to earn their respect, to earn their attention right. So you know how do we unlearn this? Right? Because for me, like I needed to see it first, first and foremost, I actually needed to see hey, wait a second. Like I'm sitting here doing backflips for a guy that you know at the end of the day isn't right for me.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:And I, you know, I don't think I had this realization until probably before, like right before the last, my last partner before my seven-year relationship hiatus, who which you know to be fair, I you know I included him in the douchebag diaries. If you paid attention to that and listen to that. It's still. It's still up on the podcast If you want to listen to it. Those are my top five douchebags that I ever dated in my life. But I mean, he really wasn't a douchebag, he was actually a pretty decent guy, um, but he just wasn't my guy Right? But I had invested so much time and energy into this relationship so I kind of included him. But I always give him, I always give him that shout out for being like, truly an amazing person to spend time with. Just was not my person, Um.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:But you know again, you know, with him I was doing the backflips, I was doing the self abandoning, I was doing the overgiving, I was doing the people pleasing, even though I knew we weren't a good match to be together, you know. And it wasn't until that relationship ended where I was like no, like I'm, I'm really ready to find that relationship that is truly for me. And I'm not, I'm not available for settling anymore, and if it means being single for a while to do it, then so fucking be it. Like I'm available for that, right. I don't want to waste my time and energy on somebody who's not available for me anymore. I don't want to try and chase, I don't want to try and convince, I don't want to try and earn love. I really just want to be my best possible self right here, right now, enjoy my life, live my life, work on my dreams, work on my goals, work on the things that I want to do for myself and create, and then just, you know, like just trust that that person's going to come when the time is right, rather than chasing or convincing or settling or earning or all the hoops that we jump through trying to earn love. Right, I just was not available for it anymore. I was completely exhausted.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:But what happened was, in that experience of you know, coming to that realization like I'm just not available for this anymore, I suddenly started to have like it was like near death experience where suddenly my romantic life started to flash before my eyes. So literally my romantic life was dying and was flashing before my eyes and I was able to look back on all of them, not just the douchebags, but like all of them that I dated at one point or another, like since high school, since middle school, where I was constantly running after and chasing these guys and convincing them to love me and trying to earn their love and earn their trust and earn their respect and earn their affection, without even knowing if they would be the right person for me. That question never even fucking occurred to me to say to myself, hey, is this person even right for me? Are they healthy for me?
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:I chased the most dysfunctional human beings you could ever possibly imagine, like honest to God, and you know it wasn't because, again, no one. I don't remember anybody ever telling me like, love doesn't need to be earned, you don't need to chase it, you don't need to convince people, you don't need to overgive or overpromise or over, you know, compromise or settle or do all the things that I used to do in order just to have like a warm body next to me, right, that I was like, like somewhat attracted to. You know, you don't need to do all those things. You can. You know we can do this differently. We can do this from a place of being our most empowered and our best self and, you know, trusting that that person is going to come along and when they come along we'll be able.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:We have to come at it from the place of the reverse engineering, this belief that we need to earn love. So if we're not out there earning love, then what is it that we're doing? Well, we're going out there. We're living our best life. You know doing our thing right, achieving our goals, making, you know, our life a priority, making our goals a priority, making our dreams, our desires or whatever our family, our friendships, our relationships, the ones that are present in our lives, you know, making those the priority, really focusing on those and trusting that when this person comes along, that number one, we're going to know that it's our person, because we're going to take the time to assess do we want the same things? Are our values aligned? Do we feel, do I feel, like this relationship has longevity? Are they emotionally available to me? Right? Has longevity? Are they emotionally available to me? Right?
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:And then, trusting that you know who you are, if it's truly your person, trusting that who you are and just you know, being in an energetic exchange with them and having conversation with them and investing emotional energy with them. You know reciprocal conversation and energy and interaction. You know, trusting that that's going to be enough to to kind of nurture and spark a healthy, loving relationship. Of course it's going to take work. Of course it's going to take communication. Of course it's going to take a certain amount of getting to know each other and, you know, probably a certain amount of compromise.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:I do believe, all relationships require a certain amount of compromise, but, you know, recognizing that the priority is first are you good for me? And that by good I don't just mean yes, obviously. I mean healthy and emotionally available and balanced and mature. Yes, absolutely. But do we fit well together? Do we want the same life together? Do we share the same values? Are the things that we hold important in our lives? Are they compatible? Those are the first things we need to ask ourselves when we're meeting somebody and when we're debating whether or not somebody is a good fit for us.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Not what the fuck do I need to do to get to earn this person's love and affection? Right? The first question we should be asking is are we good together? And then, if we are good together, okay, well, how can I really show this person who I am and what it is that I'm all about, and trust that it's going to be enough if this is my person, right? So this really requires you to be solid in your self-worth, right? This is what it all comes down to. This is why, like, people like always say to me oh, you know, like, okay, the self-self stuff is nice, but you know it's got to go deeper than that yes and no. Yes, it has to go deeper. You have to do the healing work.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:You have to look at the parts of yourself that you just don't think are good enough and that you're running away from or trying to ignore, because usually when we're chasing them like I've always said, and on many, many, many episodes, when we're chasing them, we're running from ourselves. So obviously you know that's something that you absolutely need to look at, right. But it's also like you know, being able to trust that who you are is enough to be loved and to to, you know, meet this person where they're at and be able to cultivate a healthy, loving relationship together, and that if you can't, then it's not your person. It's not that there's nothing wrong with you, right? If, if they don't want to be with you, it's not because there's anything wrong with you, and you know if, if, if they're not your person, you shouldn't have to jump through hoops to get them to want to choose you. Right, you need to be so strong in your self-worth to say this is who I am, take it or leave it basically right, and not try and shape or mold yourself or adjust yourself or hide certain parts or shrink or whatever it is that you're doing in order to come across as likable, to come across as lovable, right, you shouldn't have to people, please or overgive to earn that love and respect back. It should just be readily available to you and open and on the table as a possibility, right?
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:And I think that when we start to come to our relationships right, especially, like you know, when you're out there and when you're dating and when you're meeting people, when you're out there and you're meeting people and you're coming, you're coming at it from that energy of, hey, I'm not just going to chase any relationship that comes around, I'm not just going to be out there trying to earn the love of whoever I find attractive. And you know, in the moment right, I'm actually gonna, you know, really prioritize myself and my needs and what's important to me in my life right now. I'm gonna try and live my best life, even if it is a bit of a fucking hot mess right now. Who cares? Life is always going to be just a bit of a hot mess and that's okay. But I'm out there and I'm living it and I'm making the best of it and I'm doing what I can to take care of myself and you know, I'm trusting that when I meet the person that A, our values are aligned and we want the same things and you know all that stuff. But also, like, if they're my person, I'm trusting that when I'm myself with them, when I'm honest about who I am with them, when I'm showing them, um, everything, like you don't have to show everybody, you don't have to show everybody everything in the first moments that you meet them, but I'm slowly letting them in to see who I am, what I'm all about, what I believe, what I'm afraid of, what I want in life, what I don't't want in life, you know, where are the, where are the hot messes in my life? Like, where are my hot mess closets hiding Right when I'm able to kind of like show up fully that way for a relationship and know that, hey, you know what he's showing me, who he is, I'm showing him who I am.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Things are just moving along nicely, you know. Yes, there's some. Obviously, like I said, there's always going to take relationships, are always going to take work. They're going to take some compromise and they're going to take some self-reflection, because I truly believe that all our relationships are here to help us grow. But it's that one shift, it's that one mindset shift that you need to make.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:That goes from how can I earn his attention, how can I earn his affection? How can I, how can I, how can I, how can I stand out to him and and and and, you know, kind of extract like not extract, extract is the wrong word how can I basically get him or convince him to love me, right, instead of going? You know, when you feel yourself going down that road and I remember, you know, when I had to break this pattern, it wasn't the easiest pattern to break Again you know this goes down. This comes down to a lot of self worth issues that I was dealing with. And so when I was chasing these guys and I was trying to earn their love and earn their, their affection and their attention, you know it was because I didn't think I was good enough. Like plain and simple, I didn't think I was good enough. And so if I earned their love and earn their attention and affection in some way, shape or form, it made me feel better about myself, right. And so I went through a phase. You know, in that seven-year relationship hiatus in the beginning, you know where I was kind of you know doing the breakaway.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:You know, every time I felt that urge to earn someone's love or do something to get someone's attention, whether it was putting on an outfit or stupid things like what outfit I was going to wear or where I was going to show up, or or you know how am I going to act when they, when they look over at me? Am I going to act like I don't see them? I'm going to, am I going to make eye contact? Always, like premeditating all these things to try and get the result that I was looking for, right, even something stupid like what car am I listening to? What I mean? What song am I listening to in my car when I'm driving by? Silly, silly, silly, silly things? I'm telling you I was just a little girl, but anyway, I wasn't that little at the time. But I digress.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:So you know, switching from that kind of behavior where you're trying to premeditate who you need to be, what you need to look like and how you need to show up in order to earn their love, attention and affection. Whenever you get that urge to do that is to revert back and literally asking yourself how can I love myself just a little bit more right now? Or what is it about myself that I don't feel that is enough to be loved in this moment, that I need to fight to earn this love and affection and attention from someone, right? And you know this takes time and obviously when we do this in session we move through it very quickly. But you know you can totally. I mean, this is stuff that you can do on your own, on a on the daily right. Um is just keep reflecting back in words what is it that I'm avoiding? What is it that I'm that I'm avoiding? What is it that I'm that I'm trying to soothe? Where is the unworthiness that I'm feeling within me right now that I'm trying to soothe by earning their love, attention and affection, right, and then just keep doing that until until you can come to a space where you can be in the presence of somebody that you're wildly attracted to.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:That, you think, is you know, you know and you know when I say attraction, let's be honest, like usually, actually, no, that's not. I was gonna say attraction is mostly physical. It can be, but honestly, like there there's there's an emotional element and a mental element to it as well, because there's been many times where I was attracted to somebody physically speaking, but two minutes in conversation and suddenly I wasn't attracted to them anymore, right? Or I wasn't attracted to them at all physically until I started to have conversation with them and suddenly I was like whoa, like wow, where did you come from? Um, so you know, it's not always about looks, but it is.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Attraction can happen very quickly and it doesn't always mean a match. We know this, right, our libido often lies. It's lying. Don't believe that just because you know you're attracted to somebody, that they're the one. That's what I think, probably one of the biggest mistakes that we make. We assume that because we're attracted to them, they're attracted to us. Obviously they're the one. Not Because we're attracted to them, they're attracted to us. Obviously they're the one. Not the case.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Attraction and relationship need to be separate conversations, okay, and here they need to be separate conversations always. So you know when you can come into a place where you can be and I'm literally recalling an event right now where you can be in conversation with somebody who you are greatly attracted to, who checks all your boxes, like superficially speaking, right, but you know as attracted as you are to them, as you know, good as they might seem on paper. You know that there are some really concrete things that you know are big red flags for you, or not maybe red flags, but what's it called? Like sticky points.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Like you know, maybe you see religion and spirituality very differently and it makes it hard for you guys to mesh because it's so ingrained in your way of life. You know, I don't always think that religion and politics play, should play, always play a role in our relationship decisions, unless they impact our way of life. And when they impact our way of life and and our customs and our traditions and and the way we, we, you know we live, then it can become a problem if we don't know how to coexist and we don't know how to make room for one another's um, um, traditions and practices and rituals and, and, and you know, lifestyles, right. So we have to look at things like our values, our values aligned. Do we want the same things in life?
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Is he, you know, meeting my requirements? Like my bare minimum? Like what am I willing to tolerate in relationship and what I'm not, right? Um, are they respecting my boundaries? Do I have, you know, do I have autonomy in this relationship? Right, like things like that? Um, are they respecting my boundaries? Do I have, you know, do I have autonomy in this relationship? Right? Like things like that? Um, are they a healthy communicator? Can they? Can they move through conflict with you know? Some level of maturity, right? Emotional maturity, um, you know, think all of these things are really really, really important and we need to look at them. And when you can be in conversation with somebody or be in exchange with somebody who you're wildly attracted to and be able to say, you know what, I see you, I'm so glad that I met you and it's been wild getting to know you, but I know you're not my person and be able to walk away, that is when you know the work is done right, even though it may feel uncomfortable, you may be like, oh, that's too bad. You know, I really had my hopes up for this one. Doesn't matter, it's all good, you know.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:The point is is that you can kind of take your power back and say I know this is not the right aligned partnership for me, right, and be able to take that, make the aligned decision without any doubt or regret as to whether or not you made the right decision. You know, sometimes we always get caught up in this idea of like. But what if they're my person and I make a mistake and I realize it later and I only live to regret it. Listen, if it is really meant for you, it'll come around, Like, yeah, you can make mistakes, and you know, of course you can make mistakes and you know you'll fumble, but you know, I truly believe that if something is meant for you, it'll come around again. Right, or something similar will come around again and you'll be presented with an opportunity to kind of learn from past mistakes. So I never think, like, if something is truly meant for you, yeah, there could be fears and there could be doubts, and there'll be all those things. And you know you'll be trigger points and you'll react based on your triggers and you're gonna make mistakes and you know you're fumble your way through it, but you will find your way. Make mistakes and you know you're fumble your way through it, but you will find your way. And I do believe that if it's something that is meant to be, it'll just find a way to work out. You know, because you're both be working towards the same thing.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:You know, oftentimes, when it's not, it's not the person for you, you know that there's it, just it ends because they're not meant to be in your life. You know, they're not meant to go beyond that. They were a lesson, they were an experience, whether they taught you the lesson, or for me, like when the example that I'm thinking of right now, you know, they literally just came around to say, hey, have you learned, you know, have you learned to be able to kind of say, yeah, I like you, I think you're great, I'm wildly attracted to you, but I don't see a future for us. Like, I just don't think we're aligned in our values and the way we show up in relationship. Right, I truly not that it was a test, but it was a test, right.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:And so you know, that's kind of the journey, or the evolution, from going to, you know, from going from constantly trying to earn someone's love before you even realize if they're the right person for you, and all the hoops that you, that I, used to jump through to try and earn that love and earn that affection and attention, to doing the work and, you know, really becoming solid in my own worth, my worth, what I want in a relationship, knowing what my bare minimums are and what it is that I'm looking for in a healthy partner and then being able to make the aligned decision on those things and being able to walk away from something that, even though it might look good on paper, even though you know my libido might be like you know, doing cartwheels and clapping that they've come into my space, to be able to say no and be able to walk away and not give in to that fear that, oh my God. But what if it's actually really great and it's your person and you walk away? No, because if it was my person, you know these things would be aligned right. These the we, we would be able to mesh well together, given, you know, on on the, on the hardcore, you know fundamental values and issues right Like these things would be a better fit. You should. It should never feel as though it's forced. Or you need to compromise part of yourself or they need to compromise part of themselves, like identity, wise, um, in order to fit. Yes, schedules can compromise. Yes, living locations can compromise, all these things can kind of compromise, but when you're actually compromising on your core values, that never works. You know, and you know being able to have the faith in that and the trust in that to say you know, I am not. And even if, even if those things are all aligned, even if those things are all aligned, they, they're attracted to us. They check all the boxes. We have all the same values, we have all the same interests and lifestyles and goals in life, but for whatever reason, they're not interested.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:It's about being able to walk away from that as well and say, okay, you know what, you're not interested, fine, it just means that there's somebody out there who is. And yeah, that might be uncomfortable and, yeah, that might. You know there, that might bring up some stuff, and I think it's all good when it does. But it's never about changing yourself, shrinking yourself, people-pleasing, over-giving in order to earn love and affection that isn't already available, or at least on the table. You know may not be readily available in the beginning, but at least you know it's on the table as an option right Before you start to invest in a relationship.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:You know because you never, you never want to be in that and you know if, if, if, anything you know helps this kind of cement, you never want to spend the rest of your life with somebody who you had to earn their love. You know because then you'll constantly be earning it because, for whatever reason, they didn't love you for who you are. They loved you for how you made them feel, bending over backwards, for them shrinking, for them overgiving people pleasing. They loved you for those reasons. So you're literally committing to a lifetime of having to do those things, and that's if the relationship even survives. Trust me, been there, done that.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:You know nine out of ten times these relationships don't survive, and if they do, or if they lost you know they have some longevity you're going to get so burnt out, trying to constantly shrink and adjust and people please and overgive to the point of exhaustion to try and like, keep this person's you know affection and attention on you, and you're probably going to end up wildly resentful too, because now this is where you've rejected so many parts of yourself, trying to be who you think you need to be for this person in order for them to love you. So that's what we need to start to reverse engineer, and it all comes with being specific about what you're looking for in a relationship being out there intentionally living your best life, knowing that when you meet the aligned relationship, the only thing you need to do is show up as your best self. And if they're your person, they will show up as their best self. You two can kind of exchange together, get to know one another and hopefully involve that into a healthy, meaningful relationship.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Anything that deviates from that formula right, where you're having to chase or adjust or convince or hide or people please or overgive or play games or whatever to try and earn this person's love and affection If you have to like, if you have to come down on your hardcore like values of what you're looking for in a relationship, or if you have to compromise who you are and how you show up in the world relationship, or if you have to compromise who you are and how you show up in the world, you're always just trying to fit a square. What is it? Round hole in a square peg or square peg in a round hole? Yeah, something like that. Anyway, you get my drift right.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:So let's put the behavior of this idea that we need to earn love and trust that who we are is enough to be loved, to be in a healthy relationship, one that is reciprocal, one that is, you know, where we feel loved, seen, valued and appreciated for who we are, and no longer jumping through hoops to keep our relationships happy and if this is something that you've done, some of your relationships might get triggered. When you stop doing this right and because listen, this doesn't just apply to like love relationships. This can totally. This could be everything. This could be friendships, this could be family, this could be work relationships when you stop earning love and just show up as yourself and try and remind yourself that who you are is enough to be loved and you don't need to earn or bend over backwards or people please, or overgive or shrink or hide parts of yourself just to be loved.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Some people are going to get a little uncomfortable because they've been used to the person the version of you who thought she had to earn love, and they've gotten really used to her and they've gotten really accustomed to her and they've gotten really accustomed to her and they probably had a lot of perks and benefits to being around her that they're not going to be so keen on giving up on now. But they're going to have to and if they truly, truly, truly, truly love you, they will, even if it's uncomfortable in the beginning. They absolutely will and you'll know that. You know, if people fall by the wayside, you'll know that they were never your people to begin with, because your people will always love you for who you are, not for how you. You know what you do to make them feel better about themselves. You know which is what we're usually doing when we're with more people pleasing and overgiving. So you know, take that for what it's worth. You know, I know that it's. You know we can identify the before and we can identify the after.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:It's the journey in between that always gets really sticky right and upholding our values, upholding our boundaries and really sticking to what we do feel is important to have in a relationship and not wavering on that right Just as soon as you know it gets lonely for a little while. Or as soon as we're left with the question of well, what if I never find anybody to meet? You know that criteria. Or what if I never find anybody to love me if I'm not out there earning it constantly, right, if I'm not out there? There, like doing cartwheels trying to get people to give me their love, affection and attention, what if I never find anybody to love me?
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:It all comes back to building that solid belief that you are worthy of love and that that person is going to show up, basically when you no longer feel the need to earn love, because you know and you're solid in your own worth and what you bring to the table, and you know who you are and you know what you're looking for, um, and you can stand behind that and and and really show up. It's this whole version of you, instead of like this fragmented version that you've been putting out there time and time again, um, which is probably why you've attracted emotionally unavailable relationships for so long to begin with. So that pretty much wraps up today's episode. You guys, let me know, Let me know in the comments, wherever you're seeing this, what resonated with you and if you love, love, love this episode, please leave a positive rating or a review on iTunes or Spotify or wherever you're seeing this, and help this get out into the world. Until next time, you guys, massive, massive love. Bye.
