The Femme Cast
Welcome to The Femme Cast—the podcast for women who are truly ready to break free from toxic relationship cycles, choose themselves, and become a magnet for the love they deserve.
I’m Maria Rei, aka The Femme Coach—Master Energy Healer, Radical Self-Love Leader, and Relationship Mentor. I’ve been where you are, stuck in cycles of chasing love, waiting for validation, and abandoning myself in the name of relationships. But I turned my pain into purpose, and now I’m here to help you do the same.
Each week, I share personal stories, actionable insights, and a blend of spiritual and practical tools to help you heal from past wounds, reclaim your self-worth, and rewrite your love story. You’ll hear everything from vulnerable truths about my own journey to breaking toxic patterns to empowering lessons that will guide you toward creating the healthy, loving relationships you crave.
Join me as we say goodbye to self-abandonment, people-pleasing, and unhealthy dynamics, and hello to radical self-love, emotional freedom, and true empowerment.
It’s time to choose yourself and step into the love you were always meant for. Ready?
Let’s do this.
The Femme Cast
The Father Wound: How Chasing His Love Kept Me Chase Emotionally Unavailable Men
Why do we chase after people who can’t fully love us back? The answer runs deeper than we think.
In this powerful episode of The Femme Cast, I take you inside my personal journey—how a childhood spent longing to hear “I love you” from my father unknowingly shaped my adult relationships. Every emotionally unavailable man I chased was a reflection of that little girl inside me, still hoping for validation, still craving those three simple words.
- How childhood experiences with emotionally unavailable fathers shape our love lives
- Why our nervous systems become wired to chase instead of receive love
- The hidden reason we keep seeking validation from those who can’t give it
- The moment I realized I had to stop running—and start healing
- How to break free from the chase and attract true emotional availability
This isn’t just about my story—it’s about all of us who have ever felt unworthy of love, who have chased instead of received, and who are finally ready to rewrite the script. If you’re tired of the painful cycle, this episode is your wake-up call.
🎧 Press play now. The love you seek is already seeking you—but first, you have to stop running.
Ready to step into your Magnetic Love Era? If so, The Magnetic Love Story Manifestation Method is now open for enrollment.
https://www.thefemmecast.com/products/courses/view/1180320
Hey guys, what is up and welcome back to the show. I'm so excited and grateful to have you here. Hello, welcome if you're new, so let's dive in. I had some big epiphanies today, actually as I was recording, so I just finished recording the 30 short mini videos for the training that goes live next week. I'm super excited for that Magnetic Love Story Manifestation Method. You're going to want to check that out. It is on pre-sale pricing right now, until Monday, march 17th 2025, at which time it'll be regular price. But even at regular price, it's a steal, so, anywho, um so last episode we talked about the pattern of why we keep chasing and they keep running and we keep chasing and then they keep running, and we talked about how, when we're chasing after them, we're typically running from some sort of pain story or pain body within ourselves or painful experience within ourselves, and I shared.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:You know how. I spent most of my life chasing after emotionally unavailable men. I've made that very clear. I mean, if you've followed me for a week, you've probably figured that out by now. I spent a lifetime chasing after emotionally unavailable men out by now. I spent a lifetime chasing after emotionally unavailable men and for the life of me. I could not figure out why, at least until a few years ago anyway, but I do think it was by divine design and I'll share more about that later. But because I had kind of an epiphany today, maybe I'll record both episodes today, we'll see. I'm pretty tired because I've been recording for a while now, so it's until the energy lasts and then I'm literally kicking my feet up putting it on, putting on some like I don't know some women's network and watching some good old fashioned something women's network, anywho.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:So I want to talk about the father wound today and I want to talk about, for me, my pattern of chasing emotionally unavailable men was really, I think, me living out the childhood experience of how I was kind of learned to chase my dad, who was like and I'm so careful the way I say this because you know I never want to throw people I care about under the bus, and it's not that my dad was emotional, like my dad was very loving and you know he was very. He was the kind of person who you know acts of service were his love language, you know, taking care of his family, providing for his family, even though those weren't one of the love languages, but you know what I mean. Or was that one of the love language? I can't remember, let me know in the comments, but you know that's how he loved. He loved by acts of service. He loved by taking care of his people. He loved by providing. He loved by doing all the things he was taught to do for his family, and that is how he expressed love. Whether I agreed with it or not, that is how he expressed love.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Now, that was not my love language. My love language are words of affirmation. My love language are affection. This is how I love to receive love. I love to be reminded that I am loved. Yes, you can call it external validation if you want whatever, but anyway, that for me is my love language, right? I love to hear that I'm loved. I love to you know someone to.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:I love people to be affectionate with me, to you know and express love in those ways. And if I don't have those things, sometimes it is really difficult for me to read that as love, because for me that's how I express love, right. So we always do that right. We always project how we express love or how we treat the people that we love onto others, and we expect that if they love us, that they will treat us the same, and when we don't, we think they don't love us. Well, that's kind of what happened with my dad, um, because for years I remember my dad never, ever, ever being able to say I love you. And I remember crying to my mom one day mom, why doesn't daddy love me? I don't understand why he doesn't tell me that he loves me. You see every, all the other fathers telling them, their daughters, that they love them, but for whatever reason, he refuses to tell me he's. You know, whatever.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:And you know, I would, I, and there was more than one conversation that I had with my mom about this, and you know I would cry and my mom would be like, you know, she would come for me and she would assure me I promise you, your father loves you, you know. And I was like, okay, and then I would cry again, and then I would, she would talk to me and then talk me off the cliff, and then I would cry again, and, and this went on. And I can remember one day very clearly I was in my dad had built this awesome extension into the backyard that became mine and my sister's bedroom. Um, I was sitting on the bed. It was right opposite the kitchen and I loved hanging out in there because it meant that I could be like. I was so glued to my mom as a child so it meant I could be close to my mom, so it's like I was hanging out in my bedroom. I was kind of like you know, watching my mom was doing like this and I was all like sour face, she's like what's'm like? I started crying again. Dad doesn't love me. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:I went into the story and it never tells me he loves me. I don't understand why he doesn't tell me I love him so much. Why didn't he ever tell me that he loves me? And she's like you know what she said to me and I still remember this. She's like you know what you will need to tell him. Why should I tell him? He's the dad, I'm the daughter. He should be the one to tell me first, acting like a total spoiled brat, whatever. Um, she's like honey, she's like I get it, I understand, but she goes. Trust me, just tell your father that you love him. I'm like fine.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:So I guess my mom knew a thing or two about my dad, so it took a while but I finally mustered up the strength to tell my dad that I love him and I, and, and, and I remember he was kissing me good night and I was hugging him, i'm'm hugging my dad. And it took a few attempts and I was like, say it, say it now, say it now. And I didn't say it. And the next night he came to say goodnight to me, pulled at my dad and like say it, say it, say it now. I couldn't say it. I think it took like probably three or four attempts before I finally said the words. And when I said that it was like, like, it was like purse lips, cracking throat, like it just sounded so awkward you could tell I was really trying to get the words out. And I'm not even sure if he heard them the first time, because he didn't say anything. I told him I finally said it. He didn't say anything.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:She's like just keep saying it, she goes fine. So I said it again Nothing. I said it a third time Still nothing. I'm like mom, I'm not saying it anymore. I'm telling you, this is not normal. He should be saying I love you. I don't understand why he's not. He obviously doesn't love me. She's like trust me, just say it. Finally, finally I said it again.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:I don't know how many times this is now, but I finally said it again and I got a me too, and I will say and I'll say huh, okay, well, it's better than nothing, but I'm still not happy. I'm not satisfied with the me too. I want to hear I love you, period, full stop. The end I told my mom. I'm like okay, mom. I told him again. He didn't say I love you, but he did say me too. He goes, see, he loves you. I'm like no, but he didn't say I love you, but he did say me too. See, he loves you. I'm like no, but I want to hear I love you. Like I insist on hearing I love you.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:I don't understand why this is so hard. It shouldn't be this fucking hard to hear I love you. I shouldn't have to work so much. I don't know if those are the words that I use, but that's what it felt like when I remember the feeling. I don't understand why it has to be so hard. Should I just keep going? So I said it a few more times and finally I confronted him and I said why don't you ever say it back. Like bring my dad in this place. I'm like seven years old. Dad, why don't you ever say it back? He puts his head down and you can tell he's like so uncomfortable, but he just feels compelled to just say it. So he finally says it back and I'm just like like this sigh of relief just came over me and my whole nervous system just relaxed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Now here's the thing, because I do enough emotional, energetic work to understand that you know, when I think back now to those moments, my nervous system was very jarred at the fact that he wasn't saying it to me and then, as soon as he said it to me, my nervous system just relaxed and I can remember my body suddenly just settling in and feeling finally like the tension, just kind of, you know, letting go of me and being able to relax. And I hugged him and you know, if I remember he never noticed it because it was very subtle, but you know my eyes started to tear, I started to cry and I said, you know, I just kind of hugged him and we said goodnight and then that was the end of the day. But I remember tearing and I remember just going to sleep that night and closing my eyes and just being like so grateful that he said that and I couldn't. I like I didn't really understand the magnitude of what was happening. I'm only really understanding it now, as I've been thinking back to how I felt then and it was very unexplainable. It was very unexplainable, I would almost, I would almost say that it must have been coming from some sort of a past life experience for it to jar my nervous system like that. I don't know. You guys, let me know in the comments or wherever you're seeing this, or DM me at the femcast on Instagram. Let me know if you've ever had that kind of an experience and, if you have, if you remember the same sort of feeling in your body as it's happening, because I can remember feeling very, very, very jarred and very dysregulated up until he said I love you. And as soon as he said I love you, I relax into safety and peace, and so this then became the story and the pattern in my relationships.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Now there was some emotion that I was storing which I'm not going to get into today because that's a much bigger conversation for another day but there was a story that I had created in my mind that if I chase love hard enough, if I love them hard enough, if I push hard enough, if I try hard enough, if I just keep pushing, pushing, pushing, chasing, chasing, chasing, that eventually they will love me, they will admit their love for me. And this really became a pattern for me. Now in that pattern, a lot of heartache was created which I think led to a lot of the stored emotion that just kept me chasing emotionally unavailable men. It just became this never-ending cycle. It was like the mindset created the wound, which created the emotions that stuck energy which also fed the mindset storm of um, you know, planting the belief, creating the pattern, patterns creating the wound, the wound creating the trapped emotion, the trapped emotion creating the perfect storm. That really where emotional energetics was kind of born.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:So in a way, it's kind of a good thing that this all happens because I, I really became a master of um, repressing my own emotion. I was a master, I was masterful at repressing my emotion since I was a child and you know all that, all that, you know all this story aside about chasing emotionally unavailable men and my dad not being able to say I, I love you, I mean, let's just talk about how we got in trouble if we cried or got hurt or fought or whatever. You know, we we we were not comfortable dealing with emotion and I don't know, maybe that's what I don't know. Maybe that's what the that's what it meant for my dad to say I love you. Maybe it meant that on some level it was pacifying some sort of emotion I didn't want to look look at. Maybe that's where the trauma was coming from, because there was an incident when I was much younger, in a daycare where I was um I used to be a bedwetter as a child and I remember being um every day at nap time they would put us in like these sleeping bags.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Just shortly after lunch, probably around one or two o'clock. They would put us in these sleeping bags and they would put us down on the floor and put us down for lunch, and I would always wet my sleeping bag right and you know, the lady who ran the daycare didn't like this very much. So maybe this is where the the, the dysregulation in my nervous system, probably came from, cause I remember she used to always take me and put me down stairs. They had an unfinished basement. She would take me downstairs, this unfinished basement and close me in this unfinished bathroom and leave me in the dark until probably maybe 30 minutes before my mom was coming to pick me up. And this was a routine Every day. We would have lunch, she would put us down for an app. She could don't wait. Don't, don't be wetting your bed again. I wet my bed. She picks me up, she drives me downstairs, she put me in the bathroom and she locked me in there, and that probably went on for several weeks before I ever told anybody. I don't know why I never told anybody. I I again, you know.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:I remember back to being let out of that day, of that um bathroom and being let upstairs to play with the rest of the kids, right before my mom would come pick me up, and I was always just so grateful and happy to be let out. It's like I never wanted to think about that again. I just wanted to be happy playing with the other kids, playing with my Play-Doh, being in my fresh change of clothes, cause my mom would always send a fresh change of clothes with me cause she knew Um, but they wouldn't change me until like half an hour before she showed up. They would kind of leave me their soil so that I wouldn't soil my clean clothes, so they would leave me there soiled all afternoon until half an hour before my mom came. And I remember just being so happy and excited to be up there playing with the rest of the kids that I never wanted to think about that, as maybe that's why I didn't tell them, or maybe they told me not to tell them, I don't know.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:Point of the story being, you know, I think sometimes we equate that affection, that love, that external validation, as safety, as something that says we're going to be okay, as something that says you know, we're loved, we're enough. And if we don't have that we can, we will continue to chase it, we will continue to run after it, we will continue to abandon ourselves in the hopes that that love that we're craving, that love that we're wanting, will finally, finally reveal itself to us. But the react so many engines going by, what the heck? You think that actually made me angry. That is a little much Like, I'm sorry. Talk about triggering trapped emotions, anyway, um, so you know, maybe all of that to be said, you know all of that said, you know, maybe we do fall into these patterns because we're trying to soothe something much bigger and much more painful than we even realize. And maybe this pattern of chasing, of convincing, of waiting for, maybe it served us at one point, you know. Maybe at one point we learned, oh, this is how I get what I need, this is how I get the validation that I'm loved, this is how I get my love reciprocated and my needs met. And maybe it worked once and it was a powerful experience for us because it soothes something really uncomfortable. But now, as we get older, that love that we're chasing starts running. Why? Because now we're older, now we've gone wiser, assumingly, gone wiser assumingly, and now we're ready to deal with whatever the pain was that created the pattern in the first place. So you know all that to say.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:This is the father wound, right? This is the father wound that many of us share. A lot of us who are stuck in these patterns of chasing after emotionally unavailable men in some way, shape or form, probably struggled with, maybe chasing after our father's affection or attention or love or something to make us feel safe, something whatever we needed in that moment to make us feel safe. And maybe that's why it is so uncomfortable when we have to sit and not chase and confront whatever's going on beneath the surface that we're running from when we're chasing them. That makes this process so damn hard, because it is. It is hard, it is difficult, it is very tricky and, like I said, it's very hard. You know there's, there's an evolution that happens. It's not, it's not one and done. You know you can't put, it's not, you can't put a formula to it. Like I said, the situation created the pattern, created how I, the coping mechanism. The coping mechanism became the pattern. The pattern created the wounds. The wounds created the trapped emotion and then the pattern perpetuates right and then the pattern perpetuates right. So you know all that to say.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:You know the father wound is something that I think many of us do struggle with, because I think many of us did have emotionally unavailable fathers. It wasn't that they didn't love us, you know, maybe in some cases that might've been true. Maybe in some cases, you know, we had a very, very unhealthy you know example of parents growing up. I know. I know I've worked with people who have had some very traumatic childhood experiences at the hands of the people that they should have been able to trust the most. But for many of us, you know, we had what seemed on the surface to be healthy, loving parents that were just kind of traumatized themselves and didn't really know, especially the dads, you know, not being not ever feeling safe to be vulnerable, not ever being safe to say I love you, not ever being safe to be in their emotional body.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:You know, I know my dad struggled with emotion so much and we're seeing the effects of that now as he's getting older, right, and he's starting. You know he's getting much older, he's having some health issues and you know it's taking a toll right on every aspect. You know it's taking a toll right On every aspect. He's, you know he's somebody who's never been comfortable in his emotional body and express the emotion and being in his emotional experience. If anything, he's avoided it like the plague, and anything that triggered any emotion in him he avoided, like the plague. And when his emotion is triggered it usually comes out a little on the unstable side because he really hasn't learned how to process it. He's got a lot of stuck trauma and so you know, people can be loving and can also be emotionally unavailable, and that is the hard truth.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:You know, emotionally unavailable doesn't mean that they don't love you. Emotionally unavailable just means they can't tap into emotion for you. They can't be present with you for a full emotional experience. There's something that they're avoiding or they're not comfortable with or they're not okay with. And what ends up happening? Banned up, kind of energetically running right, because they're running in the sense, maybe they're not running physically, but they're running from you emotionally and we start to equate that as love.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:And so, as we get older, we start to run after these emotionally available partners and not dealing with our own wounds of abandonment, of rejection whether they came from our fathers or not, it doesn't matter. You know, not dealing with these wounds of abandonment and rejection that we're holding on to because, you know, whatever experience we had growing up, um, and constantly, constantly, constantly, putting our energy and focus into chasing these emotionally unavailable people just keeps us from doing the work and manifesting the love and the relationships that are absolutely out there and absolutely 100% available. If we were to slow down, take a breath and just process what's going on on the inside that we talked about last week, that we talked about last week, we can't keep using the excuse that the men in our lives, you know, maybe they didn't know how to love us the way we wanted to be loved. Maybe they were never taught how to love us, maybe they really just didn't know better and I really do believe that in many cases they really just didn't know better and they were also dealing with a lot of their own unprocessed trauma. So I know the father wound can run very deep and it can be very painful, but we can't use that as an excuse for why we're not manifesting love in our relationships today.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:It's definitely a part of the story, but we can rewrite that story. We don't have to stay stuck in that story. We can, um, we can choose to create a new story, despite what the what the adults in the room made us believe when we were younger, because they didn't have, they didn't have this, they didn't have the personal development that we have, they didn't have the emotional support, they didn't have all these tools, they didn't have Facebook, they didn't have Instagram. They're not watching the reels like you're watching them scrolling from one to the next, to the next. They didn't have any of that. You know, they were kind of like on their own and if you especially if you came from immigrant families, like an immigrant family, like I did and they came here and they literally had practically no one to lean on for support. They did the best they could and nine out of 10 times they screwed up. That's okay.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:We have this amazing opportunity to stop chasing, stop running after them and start going within and soothing all those parts of ourselves that are afraid of being abandoned and rejected, that think that they have to chase love in order to get love, that think that they have to work harder for it. Love harder, be better and tolerate more mistreatment. That is not. That is not the path to finding a healthy, loving relationship. There is a better path and it stops. It starts with you putting an end to the chasing and focusing on what you need, what you're feeling and what those feelings are trying to tell you about who you are and and how you were meant to be and move through this life. So I will leave you guys with that. If you love this episode, please leave a positive rating on Apple podcast or Spotify or wherever you're seeing this. Until next time, you guys, massive love.
