The Femme Cast

Giving Too Much, Getting Too Little: How to Stop Losing Yourself For Love

• Maria @TheFemmeCast

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Have you ever poured everything into a relationship, hoping it would bring you closer to the love you deserve, only to feel drained, unseen, and unappreciated? Wondering why your efforts aren’t reciprocated? What if the secret to the healthy, loving relationship you crave starts with choosing you?

In this heartfelt and empowering episode of The Femme Cast, I dive into the toxic pattern of over-giving in romantic relationships and share my personal journey of losing—and rediscovering—myself in love. From my “douchebag era” (yes, we’re going there again) to the transformative moment I finally said enough is enough, I’ll show you how to break free from unhealthy dynamics and step into your worth.

This episode is for you if:

  • You constantly put your partner’s needs above your own and end up feeling invisible and exhausted.
  • You’ve stayed in relationships where you’re giving 110% while they’re giving the bare minimum.
  • You’re ready to stop chasing love and start attracting a partner who truly values and chooses you.

This is your permission slip to stop settling, stop overcompensating, and stop losing yourself for love. It’s time to choose you and become a magnet for the kind of relationship you deserve. 

Let's do this. 

Want to join the conversation? DM me on Instagram @thefemmecast and let's chat: https://www.instagram.com/thefemmecast/

Are you ready to rewrite your love story? If so, head to my pinned post on my Instagram for a step-by-step guide on attracting the relationship you truly deserve! Or DM me 'REWRITE' for a direct link to the post. no sign-up or email required: https://www.instagram.com/thefemmecast/
Are you ready for a massive breakthrough in your relationships and your life? If so, click the link below to book your 90-minute Healthy Love Intensive with me. We'll laser-focus on clearing the blocks holding you back, creating a powerful shift that attracts the loving, supportive and emotionally available relationships you've always dreamed of—no chase, just flow: https://thefemmecast.com/healthy-love-intensive/

Are you ready to begin your heart healing journey today and manifest the love that you desire? If so, click the link below now to register for my FREE Magnetize Love Meditation Series. A 3 part series designed to help you heal from heartbreak and manifest love you've always wanted: https://thefemmecast.ck.page/meditations

Speaker 1:

Hey guys, what is up? Welcome back to the show. I'm so excited and grateful to have you Today. We're talking about giving too much, getting too little and how to stop losing yourself in your relationships. This is a very real experience that I've had again and again, you guys. So I am very excited to share this with you guys today, because I don't think any woman should put herself in the situation and yet I think we're all taught to I'm pretty sure I could probably put a 99.9% number to that. We're taught to give more than we receive in our relationships period full stop. So let's jump right into it.

Speaker 1:

Have you ever felt like you've been pouring everything into your relationships and friendships and family relationships, only to feel completely drained and unfulfilled on the other side of it? In this episode, we're going to talk about why prioritizing yourself isn't the selfish thing to do, even though that might be what you've been taught. It's actually essential to healthy, balanced relationships. You'll learn how shifting the focus back to you can transform not only your inner world and your inner experience, but also how others show up for you in your life, because you're changing the dynamics. You're setting a new example and you're setting a new example and you're setting a new standard. So it's time to break free from all that self-sacrifice that we've been taught to do because it's the good and nice thing to do. We're going to start choosing ourselves unapologetically. Let's dive right in. So this is for you. If you're constantly putting others' needs before your own and feeling burnt out and depleted, you struggle with guilt whenever you try to prioritize yourself and you're ready to create healthier boundaries in your relationships. What you'll get is a clear understanding of why all this overgiving is leaving you feeling depleted and disconnected from yourself, and some practical steps that you can use to reclaim your energy and make yourself a priority in your relationships again.

Speaker 1:

So, as always, I like to start with a thought provoking question, and I honestly strongly encourage you guys to message me, dm me on Instagram at TheFemCast, or you can email me at mariaatthefemcoachcom, but DMing me on Instagram is probably the quickest way to get a hold of me. I may or may not respond. I will always acknowledge every message that I get. But what would your life look like? Okay, if you gave yourself as much love and care as you give to everyone else, like I just want you to hold that for a second Like what would it actually look like? How would your life be different? What sort of things would you do differently? What might have and this is a very difficult question, you guys what might have you accomplished in your life If you had given just a little bit less to everyone else and a little bit more to yourself and made yourself more of a priority?

Speaker 1:

I want you to really let that sink in, because the reality is, when we get into these behaviors, we set ourselves back in so many ways, like it's not just impacting our relationships, it's literally impacting our entire life. It impacts our emotional well-being, it impacts our mental health, it impacts our finances. Yes, it does. Yes, of course, it impacts our relationships. That's a given. It impacts our energy level, our health oh my God. It impacts so many different things. Our lifestyle, so many things take a backseat. When we're constantly putting our relationships first, we're putting the cart before the horse. Okay, and I want you to think about that for a second, because when you put the cart before the course, there's nothing pulling the cart, it's just stagnant, it just sits, it just stays there, and that's literally what you're doing. You're the horse, so you need to put the horse first in order to pull the cart. I really want you to let that sink in for a second. So please, you know, give that question some thought. Dm me at the femcast. I usually do get back to most of you guys, but unless I get inundated with a lot of messages. But I will always acknowledge every message and I'm uber grateful for them, and sometimes, who knows, you might inspire another episode. So here's the thing.

Speaker 1:

I don't know the moment that I realized I was overgiving in my relationships per se, but I do know there was a very long period where I was feeling emotionally drained. I felt like I was constantly giving to all these people, to all these relationships, especially my personal intimate relationships. I felt like I was giving, giving, giving, giving, giving and then I was getting nothing in return. And I think the breaking point for me was at the end of my douchebag era, when I went on my hiatus. That was like the turning point for everything. The end of the douchebag era was like the turning point for everything, like that's when I kind of sat down and said, okay, what the fuck is going on?

Speaker 1:

So I kind of took an inventory of my last several relationships and I was like, okay, I gave to this person, I got diddly squat in return. I gave to that person diddly squat, gave to that person, all I got was a diddly. I didn't even get a squat out of them. So it's like, okay, what is this trying to show me? Right, and I looked at it and I was like, okay, well, I've been giving to all these people and I've been getting nothing back from them, emotionally, energetically, physically, getting nothing back from them emotionally, energetically, physically, like in any way, shape or form. I've been getting breadcrumbs and I've been putting myself out on the line to dry for breadcrumbs, right. And then I kind of you know, I kind of took a step back from my relationships. I went on my relationship hiatus. But then I noticed, well, wait a second, I'm kind of doing this in my career too. And then, oh wait, but I'm also kind of doing this with my friendships Like it was kind of cascading into every area of my life.

Speaker 1:

So it wasn't like one big moment of realization, it was like more of like a general unfolding, okay, and I think that the moment I don't know, the moment that I realized that, fuck, I've been overgiving in all of my relationships, like again it was an unfolding. So it's hard to pinpoint the moment. All I can tell you is that you know when I did realize and actually I'm pretty sure it was in Asia, come to think of it, yeah, it was in Asia. I love Asia. Asia was like like the pivotal moment of like transformation for me.

Speaker 1:

I remember, because I was, I was sitting, I had this oh my God, I had the cutest little like hot light cabin or Airbnb, you guys like when I was staying in Bali, and it was just like the most like magical place, like it looked like my own little private oasis. And I remember sitting there and I was like, wow, like I woke up in the morning and I was like, okay, what do I want to do today? And I'm like, wow, this is like the first time I've actually like been able to ask myself what do I want to do? You know, usually it's like what do they want to do? What do I have to do? What's on my to do? What do they need? Like this was the first time I was like listening to the sound of my own voice.

Speaker 1:

And then I think, when I came back, I noticed the big difference of how I was when I was away versus how I am when I'm at home and I'm like okay, how do I bring more of that energy into my day-to-day life, where I'm now the priority right, what do I need? What do I need to give to myself? What of my own desires, goals, whatever do I need to prioritize today before I start tackling what everybody else needs out of me right now? And it was such a difficult shift, like it took so much time, like I'm still working through it, like I still have moments where I have to work through it and and, like you know, really face my patterns and my conditioning and choose a new path. Like this isn't something that's like okay, locked and loaded, like I'm good, like I figured it all out. You know we've got this. Yeah, I figured a lot of shit out, but it's still.

Speaker 1:

There's still a lot of reprogramming that's happening behind the scenes, like this stuff is hardcore, wired into me. I come from a long line of self-sacrificing women and it's so funny because if you talk to half of them, they'll probably tell you oh, my God, she's not self-sacrificing at all. Because I don't. I don't. I've really gotten really clear about, you know, not making that like my MO in relationships and I've really been trying to shift that. I've really been trying to shift that pattern. So there's no one single moment.

Speaker 1:

What I can tell you is that the cost of overgiving was like what's the term? I'm not a mathematician like to the power of whatever, like, whatever energy you put, like, whatever energy that you're putting into your relationships, giving to them and not giving to yourself, it will impact you tenfold. Okay, it is. I want you to think of it as an avalanche of self-destruction. I want you like, literally, I want you to paint this picture in your mind it is an avalanche of self-destruction. I want you like, literally, I want you to paint this picture in your mind it is an avalanche of self-destruction, and I'm going to paint out what this self-destruction looks like to you, okay. So I want you to hold, I want you to hold this vision in your mind, okay, for one second I'm going to try and like channel this and kind of walk through it, because it's really important that you guys get this.

Speaker 1:

So let's just for the sake of arguments, let's just pick one relationship where you're overgiving. Let's say you're prioritizing your partner's needs over your own, or maybe it's not even your partner, maybe it's somebody that you're really into that. You're kind of chasing and you really want to impress and put yourself out there and say, hey, I'm a catch, choose me. We're going to talk about that in another episode, but stay with me, okay. So you're in this situation, ship or relationship and you really want them to be with you, you want them to love you, and maybe it's not even like consciously that you want them to love you, but you just you're a okay, you're a loving and a giving person and this is just how you love and how you show up in your relationships.

Speaker 1:

So you give and you give and you give and you prioritize their needs and you probably even empathetically pick up on their needs before they've even had a chance to communicate them. Because you're just that kind of loving, kind of person. Right, you're a lover, you're a you're, you're, you're, you're a hot piece, like you know what love is, you know how to give it, you know how to show up. So you keep giving and you keep giving, and then you have a need. But then he has a need. So you're like, okay, you know what.

Speaker 1:

Hold on a second. I know he's going through a hard time right now. Oh, he's really stressed out with work. I'm going to take care of him. Oh, he's going through a really hard time with his family, so I'm just going to give him some space, but I really, I really need some support right now. I'm going through a really hard time, but I know he doesn't have the capacity right now, so I'm just going to hold that for a second. Okay, you keep giving him what he needs over and over and over again, and in doing so, you are depleting your energy Number one, and you are also building up resentment, which is going to come out later.

Speaker 1:

Now, let's continue with the snowball. Okay, let's continue. Okay, I really want to go to the gym and I want to start working out and I want to start taking care of myself again. Maybe I'll start doing that after work. Oh, but usually after work is when I come home and I cook dinner for us to, like you know, sit down and have dinner together. That, like you know, sit down and have dinner together, that's our quality time. That's our quality time. That's when we snuggle, that's when we connect, that's when we feel good. No, I don't want to interrupt that. Okay, so you know, I'm gonna start going to the gym in the morning. Oh no, I can't go in the gym in the morning because, uh, you know, we like to snuggle in the morning or I like waking up, you know.

Speaker 1:

Next, and it doesn't have to be the gym, it doesn't have to be the gym, it could be, I don't know, getting your real estate license, doing something to, like, move forward in your career. Maybe it's taking a night class, right? Maybe it's taking a dance class. Oh, my God, I fucking love dance. I actually found a dance studio close to me and I'm hoping to be signing up for some dance lessons in the new year because I miss that so much, like you know. You know, put put whatever, okay, that's that.

Speaker 1:

Now he's going through financial hardship. Okay, he can't contribute to the relationship, so maybe I have to start paying for more of the dates, okay. So you know, I'm going to, I'm going to start, or I'm going to start, you know, contributing more to the household utilities than I normally do, right, maybe I'll, maybe I'll cover, I'll bridge the gap for them. You know, I can do it. I got it, I got the resources. Okay, you know, I'll start shipping in more. I'll start, you know, putting some money aside for a rainy day, or I'll dip into that vacation fund that I had been putting aside, right?

Speaker 1:

Oh, things are just getting so busy and so demanding I guess I'd have to start. You know cutting. You know cutting back my work hours. Do you see what's happening? And I've done all of the above, from, you know, putting other relationships on the back burner to sacrificing my career, to spending more of my hard-earned money, to putting my needs, my emotional well-being, my struggles aside to prioritize theirs. He was rich and full with, like what's it called? Love and confidence and self-assuredness from me, like there was no second guessing Not that I would ever want a partner to second guess my commitment to them in a relationship, but let's just say, dude was like really overconfident, like it was just like he was now like okay, well, I'm the catch. So you know, I'm just going to go out into like greener pastures.

Speaker 1:

Right by the end of it, I was broke. My career tanked, my physical health. I was having inflammation all over my body that showed up, like people thought I had gluten intolerance. I had all these rashes. I had joint pain, migraines, tension, headaches like horrible menstrual cramps. You guys Totally, totally like completely disrupted sleep patterns. I was wildly overweight. All my other relationships suffered, my bank account was dwindling, my debt was like.

Speaker 1:

It was like, how did this even happen? Not to mention, I was like a flailing ball of resentment and anger, and that's because I had been constantly prioritizing his needs, taking care of him, putting mine on the back burner, sacrificing my own well-being to prioritize his. This went on for so long to the point where I was mentally, emotionally, physically and financially completely broken. Like I know we're not supposed to say that we're broke, but I was like I was legit, like I was broken, like I needed fixing, okay, and that was the cost of the overgiving. Right, I got lost, I got lost, I got. It was beyond.

Speaker 1:

Like I not only and I did lose connection with who I was and what I wanted, because I was constantly worried about what he wanted and what he needed. And so when the time came, when that relationship ended and I was like, well, what the fuck do I want? I had no clue. I didn't know who I was anymore outside of that relationship. It took me a good six months just to figure out, probably a year just to figure out who I was, and then what I wanted took even longer. Not to mention, probably it took so long because I also had to build myself back up. I had to build up my resources, build up my bank account, you know, get my career back in check and, you know, start to like solidify some of my other relationships that survived and really start to invest in them.

Speaker 1:

There was so much that needed to be repaired on the out like on the other side of this relationship, and this was, you know, this being like the pinnacle of my overgiving. Like I said, you know I did this in so many areas of my life and so many relations like this wasn't the only one. This was just like the exaggerated playlist that the universe was using to get me to see how I was literally fucking myself over again and again and again, and I had been doing this, like I said, for decades in all of my relationships. So when I started to do the math on where I was giving more than I was receiving and what it was really costing me, like, I was mind blown. And I still have to have these conversations with myself today, like this is still ongoing. I still have to temperature check myself to make sure that how I'm responding and what I'm giving in all of my relationships and situations and the demands around me. Is this coming from an authentic place or is this coming from a need to overgive, because that's what I've been conditioned to do?

Speaker 1:

Okay, so this is how I started to prioritize myself again. I started to ask myself what is it that I need? What have I been putting on the back burner that is important to me, that is important to my life, that is important to my wellbeing, that is important to my future? What have I been putting on the back burner that I need to now put back on the front burner, where it belongs? What are the emotional, mental and physical needs that I've been neglecting, that I need to put front and center again? What does it mean for me, what does it look like for me, to fill my cup emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically so that I can better support the people that I love around me? Right, and starting to ask these questions and literally, guys, when I first came out of this period, I was asking myself these questions daily.

Speaker 1:

I'm still asking myself these questions. You know, what would it look like to put myself first today? What relationships would I want to pour more energy and love into? What relationships now need to take a backseat. Where do I now need to set a boundary? Whether it be energetic, whether it be verbal, whether it be physical, you know, where do I need to have a difficult conversation that I've been avoiding Like. I ask myself these questions every single day as a check-in to make sure that I am on track with what it is that I truly want, need and desire, versus what everyone else wants, needs and desires from me.

Speaker 1:

Because when you've been hardwired, this process takes time. Now it is getting easier. I'm not going to lie, like it's getting easier. The conversations are getting. You know, it's becoming more second nature to me than it was.

Speaker 1:

Yes, there's still like points where I get sticky, but you know, c'est la vie. You know we're not perfect, we're all human and you know the important thing is that you're aware of your conditioning, right. You constantly stay aware of your conditioning and you're constantly working to take a different approach than what you've been conditioned to do, right. So that's how I started prioritizing myself and this was really really, really uncomfortable at first. You guys Like it still gets to be uncomfortable. It still gets to be uncomfortable sometimes for me, and I give myself permission to let it be uncomfortable sometimes, because it is, because the reality is is that you know, we've learned to put everyone else's needs first, because that is the good, nice, loving thing to do. And if we're not putting everyone else's needs before our own, that means we're not good, nice, loving people. And if we're not good, nice, loving people, guess what? We get abandoned, we get rejected, we get judged, we get talked about behind our back, we get people like getting angry with us, attacking us verbally, mentally, physically. There's so many fears wrapped up in putting ourselves first Like, so many fears, and it's funny, you don't even realize that's what the fear is.

Speaker 1:

There's a moment of and this is especially true if you're a people pleaser, right there's a moment where you start to prioritize yourself and put your needs first, right, and at first it feels kind of good, like at first, like okay, I like this, this is great, I'm going to do my nails. I'm going to like focus on building my wealth. I'm going to move. I'm going to take that dance class I've been dying to take. I'm going to take that course to like, you know, I'm going to go to that networking event to kind of like make connections in my career and see if I can't move forward there or take that night course I've been wanting to take, and suddenly it's like or maybe it's saying no, right, maybe it's saying no to someone else who you've been. You know, I'm not going to put them first today. I'm not going to cater their needs today, I'm not going to cater to their schedule. Today I'm going to cater to my schedule. I'm going to say you know what? I can't see you today. I got my stuff to do. At first it feels great. It feels so empowering.

Speaker 1:

Then the doubt kicks in. They're not saying anything. Oh shit, are they mad at me? What did they mean by that text message when they said, oh okay, what does the oh mean? Are they judging me? Oh, my God, they're angry with me. Oh my God, they don't love me anymore. Oh my God, they're going to get mad at me. I know they're going to use this again. They're going to use this against me one day in an argument and I'm not going to know what to say because they're going to be right, I'm going to be a horrible person and they're going to like, call me out for it. Like. This is all very fictitious and playful, but it is real Because, after you've set the boundary and you've put yourself first.

Speaker 1:

At first there's that feeling of kind of false sense of confidence and empowerment. But then the doubt starts to creep in. What if I lose this person? What if they don't love me anymore? What if they don't think I'm a good person? What if they think that I'm being mean or selfish or I've hurt them? Then you start to feel guilty, then you start to feel bad, then you start to imagine them saying to you how can you do this to me? You know how much this means to me.

Speaker 1:

And it's like now. It's like it's tugging at your heartstrings, right, and you're remembering, like you're thinking of all the times somebody's let you down and how hurtful it was. And now you're thinking, you're doing and you put so much energy into it. And it's not even about you turning your back on this person. It's simply about addressing a need that you have and making sure that it's fulfilled. And you've made it mean this whole other thing because you've been conditioned to believe that that's what love looks like. You've been conditioned to believe that love looks like self-sacrifice and overgiving and over-accommodating, and so when you don't do that, it's like you're not a good and loving person. So when you don't do that, it's like you're not a good and loving person, right?

Speaker 1:

And that's why sometimes our relationship perspectives get distorted. Because, well, if that's what love looks like, then why is nobody giving to me? Why is nobody like? Why do I keep giving, giving, giving and not getting anything in return? And that's where this pattern gets, you know, blown up in your face and you see it and you can't unsee it. Once you see it which I guess is a good thing because now you can heal it but it's not a good place to be because it hurts.

Speaker 1:

It feels really freaking uncomfortable to realize that you've been giving, giving, giving, giving all your energy, all your love and pouring yourself into these relationships and you've been getting nothing back. And now you're left with a devastating reality of the fallout, of the avalanche, which is you're spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically and probably financially broke At least I was, in my case, right. So you have to start prioritizing yourself again, and I know it's going to get uncomfortable and it's absolutely supposed to be uncomfortable, and I want you to let it be uncomfortable, right, because this is where the work really is right. There's a wounded little girl in you that is afraid that if she's not prioritizing everyone else's needs, she will be abandoned and rejected and left to die. I know that sounds dramatic and tragic, but literally there's like a little girl inside of you that is feeling that way and maybe it's because you know she felt afraid, that she felt the fear of abandonment and rejection when she was younger, you know, and so it's left her feeling like she constantly needs to overgive and prove herself to earn love, right? So you kind of have to sit with a discomfort of doing the unpleasing thing and this is what I always say, right, you kind of have to sit with the discomfort of doing the unpleasing thing, of facing that fear that little girl has of being abandoned or rejected if she's not constantly prioritizing everyone else's needs over her own in order to heal it. It's in the feeling that we heal it right and letting that be there and noticing it and allowing it to move through you and letting it be uncomfortable and choosing healthy ways to deal with that discomfort. And this is where, if it's taking like a long time or if you're really struggling or it's getting really intense for you, by all means book an intensive with me. We'll work through it. But you know it's in the feeling of the emotion that we heal it. It's in recognizing that by prioritizing your needs in your relationships, you're not turning your back on your relationships. You're just taking ownership of your right to hold and have space in those relationships to have your needs met, right To flourish, just like everyone.

Speaker 1:

In a healthy relationship, everyone's needs get met and everyone gets to flourish. That's when you know you're in a healthy, balanced relationship. Okay. And if, by you tending to your needs and allowing yourself to flourish within a relationship and that's not to say that we never support each other, of course we do right, that's what relationships are. You know it's kind of like you know I wash your back, you wash mine right To a degree, but we also have to wash ourselves right. We have to take care of ourselves. So, yeah, there's a little bit of support back and forth, but ultimately we are responsible for ourselves.

Speaker 1:

And so you know, if you're not allowed, if you're in a relationship where you're not allowed to tend to your needs or allow yourself or support yourself to flourish, and that person will walk away of your needs, you will do what you need to do to support yourself, to flourish, to be your best self. For you know the partnership and then support each other as best you can in whatever ways that you can, and love each other in a way that feels good and natural to each of you. That's a healthy relationship, right? You're both empowered, self-contained, self-preserved, self-sourced individuals coming together to create a harmonious partnership and union. Right? It's never one person carrying the load for the relationship or one person doing all the giving and one person doing all the receiving.

Speaker 1:

Anytime you're in a relationship like that, it needs to just fall away. You need to just let it fall away, and the best way to do that is by making sure that you keep prioritizing your needs. By prioritizing your needs and tending to what it is that's important and meaningful for you in order for you to evolve and live your best life. You need to be able to say hold the discomfort of prioritizing your needs, hold that discomfort. And also hold that discomfort that, hey, that might mean I might lose a few relationships and there's nobody, and I'm not going to. This is going to sound harsh. There's no one to blame, but you, because you've taught them that this is how you love. And that's not to say that.

Speaker 1:

Listen, when I started this work, all my relationships got uncomfortable, all of them Periodically, like it wasn't non, it wasn't like a like a non, like an entourage of discomfort. But you know, there was uncomfortable moments in all of my relationships, and partially because I had always taught them hey, this is how I love you, I give you everything that you need. And I abandoned my own needs. Hey, here I am, love me. So they kind of got used to the whole self-abandoning Maria and people-pleasing Maria and putting everyone else's needs before her own Maria. So when I started to pull back and stop the self-abandoning and stop the people-pleasing and started to say, hey, but I kind of need this, or I need to focus on this right now, or this is really important to me, or this is something that I'm really focused on, or this is something that I'm really paying attention to, or I can't do this or I can't do that or whatever I used to do for them, because I've now shifted the focus onto myself. There were some uncomfortable conversations to be had, right, and that got to be okay, and you know I moved through it.

Speaker 1:

Did all relationships survive? No, they didn't. I'm going to be flat out honest. Did I miss the ones that didn't survive? No, not in the least. The ones that stuck around were the ones that were the ones that I wanted to keep with me long term. Those were the ones that mattered, the ones that fell away. Fell away because you know they were monetizing on my own self abandoning. You know whether they were monetizing on my own self-abandoning. You know whether they were monetizing emotionally, energetically, physically, financially, who knows right.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, it is going to create a ripple effect of change, absolutely. And it's only because you know, up until this point, you've probably trained your relationships to say, hey, I'm a giver, I'm a self-abandoner, I'm a lover, I'm a pleaser. Take what you got right and now you're going to change that script on them. So, yeah, not everyone is going to love it, but the people who do are the ones that you're going to want to be. You know, those are your ride or dies. Those are the people that you want with you like long-term. And I will say this holy narcissist, deterrent when you start to do this, because there's nothing a narcissist loves more than a people pleaser that will bend over backwards and jump through hoops to do what pleases them so they don't have to face their own shame or discomfort. Pro tip you heard it here first. Actually, no, you didn't hear it first, but you know you heard it here.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, it did create a profound shift in a lot of my relationships, right? And so you know, if I look back on all of this, you know to kind of like sum it up and to kind of help you take the guilt out of it, because I know a lot of guilt comes up when we start to prioritize our own needs. Okay, who has the right to feel bad in a relationship? Is it the person who has always put their like everyone else's needs before their own? Who's now really trying to be mindful about, hey, making sure that some of my own needs get met, making sure that I get to take up space and that my feelings and priorities and goals and desires and dreams have space in this relationship and matter in this relationship, right, just as much as everybody else's? Or the person who maybe sometimes makes you feel like you should always put yours on the back burner to tend to theirs? Think about it. Who was really the person who should be feeling guilty right now? Because I can tell you right now, if you're listening to this episode, it's not you Like, it's just not. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Speaker 1:

In a healthy relationship, everybody gets to take up space, everybody's feelings and needs matter and everybody's feelings and needs and desires get to be tended to and prioritized. Now, sometimes we need to do the prioritizing for ourselves, and sometimes we come together and we support one another and that's okay, all in a healthy balance. Never expect or never, never put yourself in situations where you constantly need to self abandon your needs and desires in order to be, to receive love right or to feel like, to be in connection and to be in relationship with buddy and with somebody. Never, never, feel bad about putting yourself or your needs or your desires or your goals first right. Fill your own cup and then you can support, you can freely support whoever you want in your relationships and give all the love that you want and the kindness and whatever it is that you love to give in your relationships. Do all of that, but give it from a full cup where you're not expecting anything in return, in order for the scales to balance out right. And don't ever give out of guilt or feeling like the other person will be angry.

Speaker 1:

If you don't, that's a sure sign that there's something toxic going on. You know, and I really want you to pay attention to that. So if you're struggling with this, by all means book a session with me. You know what to do. The links are all below, but that is all for now. You, you guys, stop waiting, chasing and convincing them to choose you. Choose yourself and become a magnet for healthy love, the kind that chooses you every single time. If you love this episode, it would mean the world to me If you would leave a positive rating and review on Apple podcasts or Spotify or wherever you're seeing this. Send this to someone who you know needs it. I love you until next time, massive love.