The Femme Cast

The Curse Of The Fiercely Independent Woman | Wanting Love But Pushing It Away And Yet Still Wondering If It Will Ever Happen

• Maria @TheFemmeCast

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Have you ever found yourself fiercely independent yet deeply longing for love, only to push it away when it comes close? In this episode of The Femme Cast, I’m sharing my personal journey of breaking free from the painful patterns of toxic codependency, people-pleasing, and fearful avoidance—patterns that kept me stuck in a cycle of wanting love but being too afraid to let it in.

I dive deep into how I went from seeking external validation to reclaiming my worth, trusting love, and embracing vulnerability. You'll learn actionable steps to recognize when you're pushing love away, understand the emotional barriers holding you back, and reconnect with your feminine power to invite healthy, loving relationships into your life.

This episode is for you if:

  • You’ve built fierce independence to protect yourself, but find it hard to let love in.
  • You fear that love might never happen for you, even though you desire it deeply.
  • You’re ready to break free from old patterns, embrace self-love, and trust the timing of your journey.

In this episode, I’ll guide you through the delicate balance between maintaining your independence and opening your heart to vulnerability. You’ll discover how to break free from the emotional walls that keep you from love, step into your worth, and trust your intuition to create deeper, more fulfilling connections.

By the end of this episode, you’ll have the tools to move past fear and self-doubt, embrace your feminine fire, and become a magnet for the healthy, lasting relationships you deserve.

Are you ready to open yourself to the love you’ve been longing for?

Let’s do this.

Want to join the conversation? DM me on Instagram @thefemmecast and let's chat: https://www.instagram.com/thefemmecast/

Are you ready to rewrite your love story? If so, head to my pinned post on my Instagram for a step-by-step guide on attracting the relationship you truly deserve! Or DM me 'REWRITE' for a direct link to the post. no sign-up or email required: https://www.instagram.com/thefemmecast/
Are you ready for a massive breakthrough in your relationships and your life? If so, click the link below to book your 90-minute Healthy Love Intensive with me. We'll laser-focus on clearing the blocks holding you back, creating a powerful shift that attracts the loving, supportive and emotionally available relationships you've always dreamed of—no chase, just flow: https://thefemmecast.com/healthy-love-intensive/

Are you ready to begin your heart healing journey today and manifest the love that you desire? If so, click the link below now to register for my FREE Magnetize Love Meditation Series. A 3 part series designed to help you heal from heartbreak and manifest love you've always wanted: https://thefemmecast.ck.page/meditations

Speaker 1:

Hey you guys, what is up? Welcome back to the show. I'm so excited and grateful to have you as I stretch into this episode. It has been a crazy few weeks, you guys. I can't even begin with a life update right now. It's just there's just too much going on. We're gonna just get right into the episode. Otherwise this is going to turn into a therapy session and I to be patient, so we're not going to go there right now.

Speaker 1:

However, today I wanted to kind of share a little story with you. We're calling this episode the curse of the fiercely independent woman, you guys Wanting love but always pushing it away and yet still always wondering if it will ever happen for you. This is a very real place. I know because I lived there for a very, very, very long time on this hella crazy journey back to finding healthy love. So in this episode I'm going to share my personal journey of becoming fiercely independent, to escape my own very toxic, very painful, people-pleasing codependent patterns. But what I didn't realize in the process was that I was actually becoming or I probably already was, but it just hadn't really manifested into reality yet or noticeable, was becoming fearful, avoidant, and although I was wanting love desperately, I was also simultaneously pushing it away. I dive into how I broke free from these patterns and, you know, maybe it can help you too, if you find yourself in that situation, by embracing your worth and really learning to trust yourself again and to trust love. That is probably the biggest lesson in all of this. So, you know, if you're somebody who's you know, if you've struggled, um, or if you've built sorry, a strong sense of independence, um, but feel on some level you're probably just protecting yourself and you find yourself pushing love away when it finally comes towards you, um, this is for you. If you struggle with a fear that love might never happen for you, despite wanting it very deeply, um, and this is for you. If you struggle with a fear that love might never happen for you, despite wanting it very deeply, and this is for you. If you're ready to just break from old patterns and fear and doubt and open yourself up to healthier, more loving relationships with yourself and others, you'll learn how to break free from patterns of being fearful, avoidant, codependent and people pleasing, and they keep you from experiencing the love that you truly deserve.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to share some actionable steps and insights on what I did to move through these patterns when I recognize them, so you can do so too. You know, if you find yourself in a situation where you're pushing love away, how you can start to reclaim your worth and trust the timing of your own journey. And this is so important because we put so much pressure on ourselves and this doesn't really come from us. It really does come from society and it really is programmed for us. So we really need to learn to think about things in our own unique timing and letting that be what it is. By the end of this episode, you'll have the tools to embrace love, step into your feminine power and break through the emotional barriers that have been holding you from really creating those healthy, loving relationships that you've been longing for.

Speaker 1:

So I invite you to come in, have a cup of tea, pour yourself a coffee, whatever, listen to this episode and share this with whoever else that you think needs to hear it. I think this is a very important conversation. Like, I know that I found myself here for many years and you know it's not. It's not the easiest place to be in, but there is. There is something on the other side for you. You know it's not the be all, end all.

Speaker 1:

So if this is you, I would encourage you to ask yourself the following question, and that is how has your fear of letting love in been holding you back from the relationships that you truly desire? And I want you to think about one step that you can take today to start shifting that fear. We're going to talk more about that in this episode, so hopefully you'll be able to take away some homework for yourself, but I'm really curious, like how has this been showing up for you? Where have you been letting your fear of letting love in hold you back? Email me at maria at the fem coachcom, or you can DM me me at the femme cast. I always love to hear from you guys and I love to hear what you're going through and how these episodes are landing for you. And and you know what your take from all of it is right, let's have a conversation. Um, one person, one person. I'll try I do try and answer everybody, but one person will get a link in my dms or, sorry, in their dms for a 15 minute breakthrough session with me. So nothing to lose, really. Hey, this is the first step in opening up to love, learning to be vulnerable and sharing your story with other people. This is the hardest part for me. That's why I started this podcast. Y'all have healed me, but anyway, okay so let's dive in. Okay so let's talk about this process of becoming.

Speaker 1:

You know, fear, like literally, like when I can't say the word fiercely enough, like can we? Like you know, bold underline, put an asterisk on fiercely, fiercely independent. I went from being the most codependent, people pleasing person you'd ever met, codependent, people-pleasing person you'd ever met. It was almost like a cold turkey breakup with relationships Like there's no other way to describe it Like I completely went from being completely attached, like a completely anxious attachment style where I was just so afraid of being abandoned and rejected and constantly desperately seeking pleasing and approval and constantly wanting the person to be around me and to affirm for me that I was enough and that they loved me and that they wouldn't leave me.

Speaker 1:

Like needing all this external validation, to suddenly just cutting the shit out like all of it out, cold turkey, and being nope, that's it. I'm all my own, I am done, and initially I think it kind of it did come from a healthy place. Like guys, like I was exhausted, I was burnt out. I had been people pleasing and overgiving and constantly like clinging and begging for external validation and like I was just exhausted. I was exhausted, I didn't want to be with anybody at this point, I just wanted to be on my own, I wanted to be by myself. I said I'm I, I want to be with me, I want to be my best relationship right now. So it really did. Oh, horn talking. Sorry, guys, it really did come from a very healthy place sort of Actually maybe not Maybe a hint of I am done with the triggers that I've been dealing with. I'm too exhausted to deal with them anymore so I'm just going to go off and avoid them completely. It's probably what was happening beneath the surface, but all good, because it actually did help me to break a lot of my codependent patterns.

Speaker 1:

You know it was in that time that I had to face a lot of my fears of being alone, my fears of not having that external validation, my anxiety of not having that person next to me and the fear of feeling like I was kind of alone in the world. You know I mean I wasn't Like. I had my family, I had my friendships, but you know we're kind of brought up to believe that as a single woman, like you're kind of on your own, and this is this is a really hard mindset to break and it still comes up from time to time. It's all like a dozen like, and it really all depends where you're at. Like not every woman is like guys, like let's be realistic, okay. Like not every woman is out there in need of a relationship, um, and nobody should be in need of a relationship, but that's not to say that you wouldn't desire one, okay.

Speaker 1:

And then not everyone will desire to have a relationship. Some women will not desire to have a relationship, and that's okay. The point is, you know, if you're somebody who does want to have a relationship in your life and I mean a very healthy, loving, robust relationship then it really can't come from need or lack. It really has to come from desire and inviting that relationship to come into your world right, rather than needing to have it in order to feel not alone in the world, right. That's a big distinction.

Speaker 1:

And so you know, going down this road, you know my intention was to no longer need that relationship anymore and to just really learn to be on my own and be okay with being on my own. Things got shamelessly distorted because I became so I started to feel so safe being on my own. It's like I'll never get hurt again as long as I stay in this bubble. Um, and you know, after kind of years of you know being in that place of well, this feels so much safer than putting my heart out there to be, you know, broken again and be let down and be disappointed and be lied to and manipulated and cheated on again. This just feels so much better and safer for me, like I can just go on and live my best life. Yay Right. But then I'm just going to adjust my headphones for a sec.

Speaker 1:

But then, you know, came this horrible voice that would always honestly, it was like my. It was like the worst pillow talk in the world. It would come like in the middle of the night, when I've got my head in my pillow and everything's quiet and the lights are out and I'm watching my digital, the minutes pass on my digital clock and I'm not sleeping and it's literally ringing in my ears going but what if it never happens? You're going to be alone forever? And it's like it started to keep me up at night because, although you know I didn't need the well, I mean, at this point, I think I still needed the relationship, otherwise I wouldn't be having those thoughts. Right? Let's be clear If you didn't need the relationship, then you wouldn't be having those thoughts, probably more often than not. Or maybe you really don't need the relationship, but you do want it, but there's something in you that that feels like it's not deserving or good enough, or you've somehow convinced yourself that it would never happen.

Speaker 1:

And I think I did this. I think I convinced myself that after years of kind of being on my own and being really terrified to let relationships in, I really started to convince myself that it just was not for me. And it's like whoa, where did that come from? Like, really, is that the path you want to go down today? Because that is not the path we've chosen for ourselves, you know. But I honestly think it just felt safer for me at the time. It felt so safe to start to convince myself that maybe I wasn't meant for love, maybe I was meant to be single for the rest of my life. You know, shout out to JD Vance with a single cat lady comment oh cringe, sorry, had to say that, but you know, maybe that was my path, but it wasn't and it's not. And you know it took me some time to be able to kind of come to terms with that and I think I don't know when the realization happened.

Speaker 1:

But I think you know there was a moment there where I was like, but no, this is not what I want for my life. I don't always like I love being alone and I love that I've traveled and I've lived my life and I've done the things that I want for my life. Like, I don't always like I love being alone and I love that I've traveled and I've lived my life and I've done the things that I've wanted to do. But this is not all I want. Like, I do want to call in a loving and supportive, healthy relationship that I can, you know, spend my life with I mean it doesn't have to be marriage, like you know just to have that sort of, you know, life partner. I want to invite that into my life.

Speaker 1:

I would love, and, like, I would just love, to invite that into my life when the time was right, right, and I think that's the difference now, and you all know, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in a relationship, whether or not it's the life. I don't think, I don't think it's a life one. I don't think it's a life one. I don't. I don't want to offend anybody, I'm not going to say anything, let's just leave it at that. There is a relationship in my life right now. It is very loving, supportive and emotionally available to me.

Speaker 1:

Whether or not it's the one and the be all end, all time will tell, um, but you know, when I look back on that moment where it was like, but I do want this for me, like I do want to be in a loving, committed relationship, and I remember, like because I always do this with my clients too right, it's like well, if it came to you right now, would you feel ready to receive it? Right, so if I were to say to you right now, close your eyes, if you can like. If you're not driving or operating heavy machinery, please don't do that. But if you can like, close your eyes If you're at the office, like you know, kind of pretend you're intently looking at your emails and shift your gaze down. But you know, just kind of ask yourself if I were to receive, if the love that I was dreaming of and desiring for so long were to show up, poof, right in front of me right now. Am I ready to let it in and open my heart to it and trust that everything would be okay? And when I asked myself that question, you guys, all I felt was panic, what, open my heart? Are you kidding me? And open myself up to being hurt again, opened myself up to being lied to again, to being manipulated again, to being cheated on again. Hell, no, hell, no. I'm not ready for that. Fuck that, no way, nope.

Speaker 1:

And it was funny because I had a moment where I remember I was in a coffee shop and I don't know what was going on this particular day, something about my energy, my outfit. Maybe my outfit was really cute, I don't know. But I kept like having like guys make eye contact with me and I noticed I didn't notice it right away, it took me a minute. I really think this was divinely orchestrated to show me because this was around the same time. And I really do believe that this was divinely orchestrated to show me where I was pushing away relationships and I can remember really nice, seemingly nice, good looking, attractive men, you know kind of like, you know they see me, you know reaching for the napkin and you know they move out of their way for me, you know, like they kind of move away from the what's it called, I don't know what's it called the cart with the creamers and the sugars for your coffee, right in a Starbucks. Like they kind of walk away and like, oh, here you go and like, yeah, okay, thanks.

Speaker 1:

And like totally avoiding eye contact. Um, when I'm walking around, like looking for a chair, and all the chairs are taken, some nice guy nicely moves his laptop bag off of a chair and he's like, oh, here, this seat's free. I'm like, okay, like I'm holding my head down now you guys, guys, you can't see it. I'm like covering my eyes. I'm like, okay, thanks. Like really doing everything in my power to avoid making eye contact. And I'm like, when did this happen?

Speaker 1:

And in that moment, in that exact same moment, I can remember, um, we had years ago, like years before this happened, um, we had gone out for New Year's Eve, me and my girlfriend, her sister and her fiance. At the time we had gone out for New Year's Eve, we were having the time of our lives and you know, everywhere we went, it was just like you know, anytime we went out, like it it was just, let's just say we got a lot of attention right. And so that night in particular, you know, guys kind of kept coming up to me and were kind of talking up with me and, like you know, shooting the shit and whatever. Hey, can I buy a drink? Yeah, no problem, we're having a great time.

Speaker 1:

And at one point it got a little excessive and I felt I almost felt bad because I felt like I was getting most of the attention than the other girls were getting. And it's so funny. This is totally a sisterhood wound thing, by the way, but it was. It's really funny when this happens, but and not also funny. But you know, I was getting a lot of the attention and I can remember already starting to feel, oh shit, like are they going to start to? What if they start to feel bad? What if I start to feel? What if it makes them angry that I'm getting more attention than they are? How can I make it so they get more like wholly distorted like thought process, right? And then I can remember one of the girls saying to me ah, it's because you're making eye contact, that's why everybody keeps coming up to you, mm-hmm, and it's like I almost got shaded for it and it's like, and it's almost like, oh, I had that realization in that moment that, oh, because back then I wasn't terrified to let love in, back then I was inviting love, I was magnetic to love.

Speaker 1:

I was like, yeah, come on over, let's have a chat, let's see if we connect right. I had a really open and positive attitude to letting love in. Now, how I behaved when I finally got the love is a totally different question, because I would get completely attached and codependent. However, in the process of attracting, I had it nailed down, you know. But here we are, I'm going to do the math. Hang on. No, I can't do the math. Sorry, I can't do girl math. Right now I'm perimenopausal and math is just, it doesn't happen. Um, so anyway.

Speaker 1:

So few years later, like, let's fast forward. Here I am in Starbucks. I'm avoiding eye contact with all these guys. I realize I am terrified to let love in. I am terrified to give some guy the green light to say, hey, yeah, it is okay to come over and talk to me, because deep down there is a part of me who is like no, because I am terrified Because if I start to like you and get attached to you, you could hurt me and I know this because this is not my first rodeo, right, and that was very real and I needed to really like see that for myself and, you know, really understand where it was coming from and how I was like like blocking, like literally it was like I was walking around with a billboard saying do not trespass. Trespassers will be prosecuted. Like, honest to God, it was a joke, it was. It wasn't a joke, but it was a joke, but it wasn't. It was actually quite painful.

Speaker 1:

Underneath all of that Like it's funny when I talk about it now, but underneath it all it was actually a lot there was a lot of pain there and a lot of fear, a lot of mistrust, and a lot of the mistrust was actually in myself to make the right decision in choosing a partner. Because you know, in my long-term relationship, you know, when we were together so many years and I would have trusted this man with my life, I would have put my life in his hands and said here I trust you to hold on to this for me, you know, to have somebody like that cheat on you and totally blindsight you and it's, you know it throws you, and so trust becomes a real big thing and the biggest trust is not so much trust in the other person, it's in trusting yourself to make the right decision, because, you know, for me the sun rose and set with him. So how could I have put so much faith and trust in somebody who didn't have my best interest at heart? You know who could hurt me so deeply. So, yeah, I mean there was so much to unpack there, and so what I didn't realize at the time was that was what was actually happening is that I was becoming very fearful, avoidant, and I was sabotaging myself, without even realizing it before, like I was sabotaging myself from even attracting or inviting a relationship at the potential relationship to come, not even a relationship. Anybody to approach me and ask me out for a fucking coffee was like, no, not happening, um, we're not going down that road again. So, um, I realized what was happening in that moment and you know I had to really just come to terms with it and really reflect. You know how did I get here? Right, and and you know now that I talk about it and I'm explaining it to you guys, it's pretty clear how I got there. So maybe you can relate to that story. I don't know. Let me know Again. Email me at maria at thefemcoachcom, or you can DM me at thefemcast on Instagram. Let me know how this resonates for you, if you can relate to the story, if you experience something similar.

Speaker 1:

But here's how I started to break free from the pattern, okay, and actually I'm going to add one more. I have a list. I have four things that I wanted to mention and then I wanted to just you're going to hear me typing right now because I'm adding one more to the list as I'm thinking through this. The first step was you know, I needed to learn to trust my intuition again. Now, this was a bit of a process and this is a lot of the work that we do together, if we work together in one-on-one, or if you take one of my programs FYI, new program coming down the pipeline so stay tuned for that. So, if this episode is resonating for you, you're going to want to follow and stay connected with me. But intuition, you know I going to want to follow and stay connected with me.

Speaker 1:

But intuition, you know I needed to learn to trust it again. And you know this was a bit of a process. Right, it was like it was like mending a broken relationship because I had learned not to trust it for so long and therefore I stopped using it. I was in a pattern of overthinking and over analyzing to make most of my decisions. So learning to trust my intuition again was hard and I will tell you this like since then we've had a few breakups, me and my intuition, like there are times when I rely on it, like profoundly, and then there are times where I, you know, tend to default and go back in my head and overanalyze and overthink and over process information, and that really just comes from a lot of conditioning, like certain decisions, you know, should be made logically and with a lot of thought and with a lot of analytics and data and blah, blah, blah, blah blah.

Speaker 1:

But anyway, you know, that has been an evolution in itself and I think that one of the things that really helped me, um, without getting too much into the into the detail of, you know, healing your relationship with your intuition, because that is actually much deeper work and it does take time, um, but the one exercise that I love to do is to ask myself okay, for the times that I did trust my intuition and, you know, listen to it and took action on it. You know how did it work out. You know making a list of all those events or decisions that I made and how they worked out and they usually worked out really well. And what I noticed was a bit of a pattern when I started to do this, because when I didn't listen to my intuition, it never worked out ever Right.

Speaker 1:

And there were times where my intuition was nudging me that something wasn't right and I ignored it. I ignored it, you guys, and that's where I paid the price, because my intuition was telling me that something was up and that something wasn't right. And I know, no, he's great, I love him, he loves me, we're going to live happily ever after. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah yeah, no, bullshit. Um, my intuition was giving me that little niggle that something wasn't right, but I could have put my finger on what wasn't right and so I just dismissed it as paranoia. You know, I'm just being paranoid, just being paranoid. No, no, no, we're going to ignore that little niggle that's, you know, tickling the inside of my sacral right now and just go back to pretending that everything is perfect. So that was really important. That was a really important learning moment for me and being able to recognize all those moments where I ignored that intuition and sometimes, you know, trusting when things change.

Speaker 1:

Like you know, people, always people, situations, things always come into your life for a season or reason, or I can't remember what the season or reason, or something lesson, maybe, the reason lesson or something. Anyway, I don't know. You know the saying I'm talking about. Ultimately, you know, just because something, someone is meant to be in our life for a period of time, doesn't mean they're meant to stay there. So, although we may have the intuitive inclination to invite someone into our world, we, you know, build a relationship. We, we move through different cycles of the relationship together. We grow, grow, we evolve, we learn, we trigger each other, we heal shit. You know we always evolve in our relationships. We come at a different person and sometimes the reason for that person's being there has expired, right, and it's time to let that relationship go.

Speaker 1:

And that's usually when your intuition is starting to tell you like I don't want to tap on my mic but hello, time to go. And what do we do? We ignore it, right? So it's looking at all the times that you listened to your intuition and it worked out all the times that you didn't listen to your intuition and it didn't, and all the times that your intuition was trying to give you subtle clues and signals that you needed to pay attention or that you needed to, even though something was once a yes, was now a no, and you needed to change your trajectory, and you ignored it. Right? Very, very, very healing exercise. And the more you do this, the stronger your intuitive muscles get, and then the stronger you'll be able to trust it. The better you'll be able to trust it. The better you'll be able to trust it. You know, I always say this in my in, in my trainings and with my clients. You know your intuition is like a muscle the more you flex it, the stronger it gets. Okay. And when you cultivate that relationship with your intuition, it is so powerful, right? Because you can literally use it to make all of your decisions. Powerful, right, because you can literally use it to make all of your decisions.

Speaker 1:

The second thing I needed to do was I needed to recognize when I wanted to bolt, like bolt from a relationship, or when I wanted to just pull away, like if someone was, you know, approaching me. I needed to be mindful of when I was turning my gaze elsewhere so that to avoid making eye contact, or, when my body language was closed, to say, hey, you can't. You can't this. No, not a friendly place. Go away, don't talk to me, leave me alone. You know I needed to pay attention to all these things and I needed to do. You know, I needed to recognize that a lot of this was tied to past hurt and I needed to do the deeper work on where those past hurts were still coming up, what they were trying to teach me. You know how I could help myself move sort of those stuck stories, that stuck energy from my body so that I can no longer I didn't have to, I didn't have to allow them to, you know, steer my life anymore. You know I could kind of take back control of my life and stop letting the cycle sort of repeat itself and, you know, keep me stuck in this loop of avoidance. So that really helped me a lot.

Speaker 1:

And then, you know, doing the work, it was really just, you know, in those moments reminding myself that there is no safer place to be than in love. Like when we're talking about being in a place of love, there is nothing safer if it is healthy love, if it is love that you can trust, if it's love that it's based on mutual respect and understanding, like, yeah, if it's toxic, if it's a toxic dynamic, if there's a push-pull there and there's constant chasing runner energy, then yeah, it's not safe, it's very painful and it will probably traumatize you again, right? So that's where you know using your intuition to determine if this is a healthy relationship for you, and really understanding what healthy relationship patterns look like, I think, is probably another one, which, I mean, is an evolution in itself. To be honest, I'm still checking the boxes on that one. And then you know recognizing when you want to bolt. And you know if you wanting to bolt is it really because there's something wrong with the relationship or is it something with you that needs healing? And if it's something that you that needs healing, how can you go back and heal those old wounds right and remind yourself that real love is safe? Healthy love is safe. And if it didn't feel safe for you in the past, it's because it wasn't real, right? Can we get that Like? Can we just like let that sink in for a minute? Real love is safe. If it didn't feel safe for you in the past, it's because it wasn't real, right? Or maybe it was at one point and then it expired and you stayed past its expiry date and it became unhealthy, right? That can happen too.

Speaker 1:

Next is the fear of, um, the fear of. What's the word here? It's like the fear of losing, like it's. It's that attachment, the anxious attachment style, right? The fear of being um, of losing love, of being abandoned, of being rejected, of being heartbroken again. I was so afraid of that loss, I was so afraid of feeling that pain again that it was just so much easier to just be emotionally avoidant or fearful. Avoidant Because the risk of letting someone in like that again and being hurt again was just so painful for me. But then it was also, you know, the fear of so painful for me, but then it was also, you know, the fear of, you know, not having that validation, not having the constant confirmation that the person you know loves you and that they're not going anywhere constantly worrying, like you know.

Speaker 1:

It would be like an example would be like, you know, being in the beginnings of a relationship Yep, I'm good, I'm confident. This relationship is the one and you know he's great. And you know, being in the beginnings of a relationship. Yep, I'm good, I'm confident. This relationship is the one and you know he's great and you know he's emotionally available and he's loving and he's romantic, and he responds to all my texts almost immediately. Red flag when you find that comforting. By the way, no red, not red flag If it happens. Red flag if you find it comforting. And then all of a sudden, he's late responding and guess what happens? You're triggered. Oh my God. Oh my God, he's not responding to my messages. It's been hours when is he? Oh my God, he read it and he hasn't responded. Where is he? What's going on? Oh my God, you know what?

Speaker 1:

All the other guys who ghosted me this is what would start happening before they ghosted me. They would stop responding, they would become like detached. I would feel like them, like distancing themselves from me. And then, next thing, you know, they ghosted me. Oh my God, this guy's about to ghost me. Next thing, you know, you get a text message. Hey, I'm so sorry, I was in a meeting. I saw your message. I was in meetings all day. I couldn't respond. Okay, thanks for that. You know, would have been nice to know that information. You know, half a cheesecake ago.

Speaker 1:

But whatever, here we are, um, but you know what I mean, right, like, there is healthy, there is healthy, um. What's it called? Um, there's a healthy level of worrying about behaviors in a relationship. There's some things that you should see as a red flag and should obviously raise a red flag for you. That is not one of them, right? And so when we start to get into that fearful attachment style, that anxious attachment style, when we're afraid of losing love, of being abandoned, of being rejected, of being ghosted, of wondering if and when we'll ever hear from them again, it's to remind yourself that you know and this is what I did is, no matter what happens, I would be okay.

Speaker 1:

And this relationship was not my past relationships. This relationship was quite different. This person, unlike the people before, was emotionally available. This person, unlike the people before, was very open and transparent with me and, you know, would affirm again and again that you know what he wanted was an exclusive relationship. You know, without you know ever creating like, without ever like wavering on that in any way. Like it was, it was, it was solid, right, and so I had to remind myself that this relationship was not the past relationships. This guy was showing up completely different right than the past.

Speaker 1:

I had to remind myself that, you know, intuitively speaking, it felt like the right thing to do to get involved in this relationship. At that, at this time, like this was the right timing for this relationship to come into my life for better or for worse, right, and it's also. It's also about reminding myself that, no matter what happens, matter what happens, even if this guy does ditch one day, that I will still be okay, and if that does happen, then that means that there's somebody out there better out there for me, not that I'm not worthy or deserving of love, right? So there was a lot of beliefs that needed to be shifted in order to feel safe, allowing a relationship back into my world, and I think the last one, and probably the most important and you know this is the one that people are. Oh my God, there you go talking about self-love again.

Speaker 1:

But fuck, yeah, self-love, because I will tell you, in every toxic relationship pattern, in any relationship pattern I've ever had to break toxic relationships, emotionally abusive relationship, narcissistic relationship, people pleasing patterns, codependent patterns, overgiving all of it all of it has come down to having radical self-love of self, to having radical self-love of self, and that is something that I work on every single day on this journey back to finding healthy love. There is not a day that goes by that I'm not working on it. And by working on it I'm not saying that I love myself every day. I don't. I am a woman, I was not raised that way, but I am consciously making an effort to become more that way Because I deserve that and I know that the impact that that has on my relationships.

Speaker 1:

So constantly reminding myself that I was worthy of love was part of this process, constantly reminding myself that the right relationship would come when the timing was right, that was something I was doing for myself. And in the meantime, I know that until until healthy shows up Because guess what, when we do that, guess what happens? We open the door to more toxic, because we're hurting ourselves again. Now we're creating more wounds, more fears, more limiting beliefs, more reasons to bolt or be fearful, avoidant or have anxious attachment styles or you know all of those things and not to trust our intuition. So, rather than going down that road, I was able to kind of just go on and enjoy my life, live my best life, know that I was okay in my own company and be okay until the next right relationship showed up at my door.

Speaker 1:

And so you know, I mean, has it been an evolution over time? Abso-fucking-lutely, does it need to take that long? No, obviously you know, if any of these things are things that you're struggling with, and obviously you know, hit me up at thefemcastcom. You can go to my services page there to book an intensive with me, or you can find the link down below. You know, obviously, if there's anything here that you're struggling with, that's what we do together. So I'm happy to support you. But is this something that you can totally do on your own?

Speaker 1:

Yes, I did. I mean, I had some healing along the way and some support along the way, but I did the majority of the work on my own. You guys, um, most of my coaching was around, you know, business related activities. I, you know I went through my coaching and healing journey. Um, very, you know, when it came to relationships, very beginning in my healing journey, like probably like the first year, and then, you know, did a lot of energy healing work, yes, especially when I got through my Reiki certification, but a lot of this stuff, like the mindset stuff and the stuff that I went through, kind of when I was on my seven year relationship hiatus. A lot of that, you guys, was done on my own. So it's not to say that I never had coaching I did. I had coaching, I had energy healing, I did a lot of EFT tapping with facilitators, you know different modalities that I kind of played with and really enjoyed and got a lot out of. But a lot of the work was stuff that I did for me and that's why I'm kind of able to share it with you guys now, right?

Speaker 1:

So yeah, of course you can go, you know, go and start to apply some of these shifts and see how they impact you and see how they change things for you, and I'm curious how these impact your life once you start to implement them. So please connect with me and let me know. But if you want to go deeper, you want to move faster, you want to really just excavate some of the stuff that's creating a lot of the toxicity for you or the fear, then absolutely hit me up at thefemcastcom. That is all for now. You guys, stop waiting, chasing and convincing them to choose you and choose yourself instead, and become a magnet for the healthy love you deserve, the kind that chooses you every single time. I promise it's out there for you. So if you love this episode, it would mean the world to me if you would leave a positive rating and review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you're listening to this. Until next time, you guys, massive love.