The Femme Cast

THE 6 HIDDEN LIES KEEPING YOU STUCK WITH EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE PARTNERS

September 10, 2024 • Maria @TheFemmeCast

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In this episode of The Femme Cast, I dive deep into the 6 hidden lies that are keeping you stuck in relationships with emotionally unavailable partners. I’ll share my personal story of how these self-deceptions trapped me in unhealthy patterns, and the steps I took to break free from these patterns.

This is for you if

  • You keep finding yourself in relationships with emotionally unavailable partners.
  • You’ve been trying to break the pattern for a while now, but you're really struggling to get there. 
  • You’re ready to confront the lies you’ve been telling yourself to justify staying in unfulfilling relationships.

By the end of this episode, you will gain insight into the subtle lies that keep you stuck in unhealthy relationships, along with a roadmap to break free from these patterns once and for all, and reclaim your self-worth and what you truly desire in a relationship. 

Let’s do this. 

Want to join the conversation? DM me on Instagram @thefemmecast and let's chat. Also, don't forget to like and follow: https://www.instagram.com/thefemmecast/
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MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Hey you guys, what is up? Welcome back to the show. I'm so excited and grateful to have you here. Welcome if you're new. I am very, very excited for today's episode. But before we dive in, I just wanna tell you. It's gonna sound like I'm throwing shade, but I'm not. Okay, I am only sharing with you the voices that were in my head when I was in this pattern. So everything I'm about to say to you are things that I have heard in my own headspace. Okay, these are my voices that I'm sharing with you.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So these are the six hidden lies and I stress, lies that are keeping you stuck with emotionally unavailable partners. Okay, I really want you to listen to this episode, you guys. I know some of these. I know calling out these lies it's going to sting a bit, okay, but it's for your own good. I love you. It's for your own good. I'm only saying all this because I love you, because these are literally the lies that are keeping you from the love that you truly want.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So it's time to call out the lies that we keep telling ourselves in order to remain in emotionally unavailable relationships. Okay, and again, there's no shade, no shame, right? It is really easy to lie to ourselves. When there's something that we truly want and we attach to, okay, but if that thing isn't going to fulfill our needs, isn't going to fulfill our dreams, our wishes, our desires for a fulfilling and intimate connection with somebody, then we're only. I want you to think of yourself as holding onto that lie, as pushing away everything that you want in a partner. It's literally saying no, I don't want my happily ever after. I'm ready to convince myself that this person is what I want, even though they don't meet my needs, but I will convince myself that they do or that they one day will when they won't. Okay. So I really want to. I really want you to let that land for a second, because it's really really, really important, okay.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So in this episode we're going to dive deep into the six hidden lies that are keeping you stuck in relationships with emotionally unavailable men. I'm going to share my personal story of how these self-deceptions kept me trapped in unhealthy patterns and the steps that I took to break free. So this is for you. If you keep finding yourself in relationships sorry guys, cars are zooming by If you keep finding yourself in relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, you're struggling to break free from toxic relationship patterns, or if you're ready to confront the lies that you've been telling yourself to justify staying in unfulfilling connections. Okay, if and and and. If you know somebody who's struggling with this, please, please, please, please, share this episode with them so that they can also hear some of these lies that they've been telling themselves. They may not speak to you for a little while after you send it to them, but that's okay. You're doing it for their own good. By the end of this episode, you will gain valuable insight into the subtle lies that are keeping you stuck in these unhealthy patterns, along with a roadmap to break free from these patterns once and for all and reclaim your worth and your relationships.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Okay, so, before we get into it, thought provoking question let's have a conversation about this, you guys, because I know this is happening out there. I know I'm not the only one that experienced this. Which one of these lies have you been telling yourself, and why? I'm really curious. I want I almost want to know what the number one lie that's going on in people's minds is right now. I know I kind of experienced all of these. I'll share which one was my biggest at the end, like which one was the one that I kind of leaned on the most, but nonetheless, like, don't let it. Like, don't be misled. I used each and every one, so there's no judgment here whatsoever. Just tell me which one of these lies have you been telling yourself and why, and whether or not you're ready to let it go right. Okay so, dm me at the Femcast and let me know. I'm curious. You can find all my links in the show notes below, plus, I will be replying to some of the texts maybe not all of them, depending on how many I get, but one person, one lucky, lucky, lucky person will be selected for a free 15 minute breakthrough session with me where we're going to look at the patterns that you've been attracting. We're going to identify where those patterns are coming from, right, where was the energetic signature imprinted with that pattern and what the journey to healing that pattern will look like for you. Right, and I'll give you some quick tips that you can kind of start implementing immediately so that you can notice a breakthrough. That's why they're called breakthrough sessions. Okay so, but I will be answering a few of the questions in the DMs on this topic and the lucky person will get the Zoom link directly in their DM from me, okay, okay, so let's dive right in.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

I want to start by talking about when I realized I the last. You know, when I look back on my douchebag era that led to my seven-year relationship hiatus, I remember the last two specifically Right, and I remember telling my mom all the time my God, mom, he reminds me so much of dad and I think I talk about this in another episode, if not already, it's coming up, but anyway, they reminded me so much of my dad again and again and again, and it was like I don't even know the moment I realized they were all Well, I talked about it in the last episode, when my last partner before the hiatus left for New York sorry, left JFK and he went his way and I went my way. That was really when I realized like I was just. That was when I realized when I was done with the pattern. I guess you could say I don't know when I realized that the pattern was happening. I guess you could say I don't know when I realized that the pattern was happening.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

I do know that I had an aha moment and maybe this was it. I had an aha moment that everyone was reminding me of my father, and then I had the aha moment that my dad was emotionally unavailable in a very loving way, if that, like you know, like hear me out on this there's many different ways to be emotionally unavailable and that's that's where I kind of put two and two together. I was like holy fuck, like this is why I keep attracting these emotionally unavailable partners, like it is so familiar to me going on around behind the scenes as well, which I talked about in the last episode, and my own fears that were kind of, you know, mucking up the energies in my relationship. So go ahead and have a listen to that as well. We're always co-creating, right, we're always co-creating the patterns that we're experiencing.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So I had to clean up my side of the fence to figure out, okay, well, why am I attracting these kinds of relationships? What about them feel safe to me. So I will add to that. They also felt very familiar to me because that's what I'd known my whole life, right, my dad was the guy who very loving, right, very loving, very giving, but very uncomfortable with his emotions, very uncomfortable feeling his emotions. Very uncomfortable expressing emotion. Very, very, very, very acutely uncomfortable around other people's emotions, right? So there's different levels of being emotionally unavailable, right, and you know this can create disconnect in so many different ways.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So I say this to say I think the moment I realized that I was attracting emotionally unavailable men on repeat was when I made that realization that my dad was a little bit emotionally unavailable. And when I look at emotionally unavailable when I talk about my father and when I look at emotionally unavailable to when I talk about my exes, it looked very different. Same but different. All of them didn't like talking about feelings, didn't like feeling feelings, didn't like being around other people's feelings. That was consistent, right. I think the difference was, you know, my dad showed love in many other ways, in his own love language, right. Whereas the others, oh my god, sorry guys, too many motorcycles in the summer. When's winter coming? No, I'm kidding, the winter is here.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

You know, when I look at the, when I look at my ex partners like they were, they weren't just emotionally unavailable to the sense that like, they were uncomfortable feelings, they were like actually like I'm just not available for anything to do with, like emotional intimacy at all, you know. So you know different levels, different ways it shows up. So I want you to pay attention to some of the nuances. But, all that to say, when I started to realize I had been in this pattern, right, of being caught in a relationship with emotionally unavailable men, I want you to listen and pay attention to the lies I told myself to justify why I was staying. And a lot of them had to do with how I experienced love from my father. Right, because I knew there was love underneath all of that emotional icky, like that emotional discomfort that he had. Right, I knew that there was love there, right. So now I assigned not showing love or not being comfortable in emotion or not being comfortable with my emotion or not being comfortable expressing emotion. I assigned the meaning of being too strong, being too uncomfortable, being afraid, whatever, like all the things. And we'll go through the lies to justify why I wasn't getting the emotional connection I was really craving. And all of it was a lie, all of it. So let's dive right in.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Okay, so here are the six lies I was telling myself on repeat. Let me know which one of these resonates with you the most, which one of these you tell yourself the most. I am going to share which one I was kind of keeping on repeat for myself or use most often anyway. So number one he really, really loves me. He's just too afraid to let all that love in and admit it. Oh my gosh, how many hero stories have we seen where there's a strong rural man who's just like afraid of how much love he's feeling. He's afraid to give in to all that mush and gush and vulnerability. Afraid to give in to all that mush and gush and vulnerability? Oh god, ladies, it only happens in the movies. It's not real.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

I had myself convinced so many times of this and it was so romantic to think that somebody loves you so much that it scares them. Wow, it not only did it like, not only did it keep me in an unfulfilling relationship, it actually romanticized the fuck out of them. Oh, my God, he loves me that much. He loves me so much he's afraid. Wow, okay, stop.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

If somebody really loves you and they're into you, nothing will stop them. Nothing, yeah, okay, stop. If somebody really loves you and they're into you, nothing will stop them. Nothing, yeah, okay. There may be some like resistance here or there, there may be some staking points or you know whatever, but they will find ways to show you and and and convey to you that they love you and create that intimate connection with you, right, if they're constantly hot and cold, disappearing, not calling. You know one day they're here, next day they're not, you know, dipping in and out of the relationship. That is not fear, okay, that is. You know they're keeping you around until they find somebody that they're emotionally available for. And there's different kinds of being again, there's different kinds of being emotionally unavailable, and we'll talk about those in another episode. But for right now, they're just keeping you around to have, without being emotionally connected to.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Okay, he loves me. He just hasn't realized it yet, wow, okay. So when is he going to realize it? Right, like, how long are you going to give him to realize it? Are you getting him a week? Are you going to give him a month? Are you going to give him six? I've given a guy a year, two years even, to realize that he fucking loved me and I was the perfect woman for him. You know what he never did? Nope, never did. In fact, if I recall, a couple of them actually found their woman after me, and so, and that stung more than anything else, and you know why it hurt so much, you guys. Do you know why? It's because I stood around. I waited around for so long, thinking that I was the one for him, del, thinking that I was the one for him, deluding myself that I was the one for him, when he wasn't choosing me. He wasn't choosing me with his actions, he wasn't choosing me with his words, he wasn't choosing me with his affection. He wasn't choosing me at all. I was just sitting around waiting for him to choose me.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

And if someone is not choosing you right and again, there could be some resistance, there could be a little bit of fear, there could be a little bit of hesitation. I think that's normal. It's normal to be a little bit like you know about, you know putting ourselves out there, but it shouldn't be that hard, right, if someone is not choosing you again and again and again, there's a reason. If someone is keeping you at a distance, at an arm's length, is only contacting you when it's convenient for them, there's a reason. And it's not because he hasn't realized that he loves you yet.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Okay, and even if, even if, let's say 1%, 1% will say eventually oh my God, she's been right under my nose this whole time. I didn't even see it. What if that takes 10 years? What if that takes 15 years? Are you going to wait? What if he's not ready to be in a relationship at all? What if he doesn't want to get married? Or what if he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all? How much time are you going to give it? You know, are you really willing to bet the next year, two years, five years, ten years of your life waiting on somebody to decide that they want to be with you?

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Because, again, when you do that, what you're saying is I don't want my happily ever after. I don't want my perfect relationship. I want this. I want this guy, this one who refuses to choose me, no matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I show up, no matter what I do, no matter what outfit I put on, it doesn't matter. No matter what I post on my fucking Facebook feed, no matter what other guys comment or like on it to irritate the crap out of him, no matter which stories of mine he watches, he's not choosing me. Okay, oh, this is a good one. Oh, I've said this so many times, but I don't want a relationship. Either he's just good to pass the time with until, or he's just good to pass the time with until I do find the right one. How many times have you said that to yourself? That's a lie, if I ever heard one, and I will say this.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

There was a time in my life where I was able to have, um, a friends with benefits dynamic, um, and keep it chill, right, assuming, of course, everybody's on the same page and wants the same things. Right, if you both want a friends with benefits situation and you're both willing to manage it appropriately maybe we'll have an episode on how to do that as well Then that's great, do it. I highly recommend it because, honestly, I'm a huge believer in taking a time out to be with yourself, and if being with yourself means you have a friends with benefits out there that you call on when you have an itch, then do it. Do it.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Later in life, it became a little bit harder for me to have a friends with benefits situation because I became more quickly attached to people that I had intimate relations with, and that was something that I needed to be very, very, very aware of. For me, intimacy meant I got attached really quickly. I developed feelings really quickly. I romanticized things really quickly, so I had to be really careful about who I had an intimate relationship with as I got older, right, and so part of being self-loving and accepting is really knowing who you are and what your limits are and what your boundaries are. So for me, it was very important to not be intimate with anybody until I knew that they were a quality, a candidate for a quality partner, right? So, um, telling yourself that you don't want to be in a relationship, so it's all good, I don't want a relationship, this is all I want. I just want to have some fun. I just want to. I just I just want to get off. I want to have some O's and, you know, have a good time, or he's good enough to pass the time with until I do find the right.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

You're lying to yourself, you're lying to yourself, you're lying to yourself and you're getting attached. Underneath all of those lies, underneath all of those lies, there is a little hidden hope that one day he's going to turn around and say, oh my God, I love you. How did this happen? Happen? When did this happen? I've been fooling around with you this whole time and right, right, right, you've been here right under my nose the whole time. The perfect woman, oh, and you live happily ever after. It's not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen again.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Maybe there's that one percent that do actually end up falling in love with each other and work out great, but for the most part again, I say this all the time when people tell you who they are and show you who they are, I believe them. If he's telling you he doesn't want a relationship right now, believe it. If he's telling you he's not ready to get seriously involved with anybody or involved with you, believe it. And don't kid yourself into thinking this is good enough for right now, until Mr Wright comes along. Because you know what, like I said, like I always say in my stories, I wasted so much time with Mr Good Enough for Right Now and he hurt me more than any of the others. Even though I knew he was only Mr Good Enough for Right Now, until Mr Right came along, I still got wrapped up in it and I got my heart broken more than any of the other douchebags. Okay.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So all that to say know what you want, be clear, and if that's a relationship, great, celebrate that. If it's a friends with benefits, I celebrate that too. If you're in your self-love era and you're just looking for time to be with yourself and chill. I fully celebrate that. But make sure anybody that you're in relationship with wants the same thing. That doesn't mean that they necessarily have to. You know, as soon as you get in a relationship with somebody, obviously there's a period of getting to know one another and that there's a period of exploration. That goes into it. Right, and that's fine. That's healthy, right? The point is you get into a.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

If you're looking for a relationship, don't start dating some. Don't start dating somebody who's only looking to fool around or who's only looking for a friend's benefits or who's only looking for a one-night stand. Okay. If you're looking for a serious relationship, go out with people who are also looking for a serious relationship. Then you two can kind of come together, meet and see if you're the right one for each other.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

But telling yourself that you're not ready for you don't want a relationship sorry guys. Telling yourself that you don't want a relationship when you do, or fooling yourself into thinking, okay, well, this is good enough for now. When it's not, because you're only going to want more, you're only going to get increasingly attached, you're only going to get more emotionally involved and you're only going to create more of that hurt that's making you also emotionally unavailable as well, because you're only going to reaffirm that it's not safe out there for you, honey. You're only going to reaffirm that it's painful to let your heart, you let someone in and open your heart and share yourself with someone like that. So why do that to yourself, knowingly, you know? Okay, let's see here, where are we?

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Number four this one's a funny one actually. What if I walk away too soon and he is just about to open up to me and let love in? Right, we have a saying in the spiritual community. It's like don't quit before the miracle arrives right. And sometimes I think we take that attitude with relationships. There's always this fear, this looming fear. We know it's not the person for us. We know that they're not emotionally available. We're getting the nudge that it's time to go, like it is time to go, and we're like, oh, but what if it's like literally the 11th hour? And like if I just hang on, like one more day or one more week, like he's just, he's gonna realize how much I mean to him. Day or one more week Like he's just, he's going to realize how much I mean to him. Listen, like I said before 1% chance. Yeah, he could possibly realize in a week he's totally into you and let you know.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

But here's the thing If you really care for somebody and I'm going to put this in your shoes If you really, really, really really care for somebody and they tell you listen, I really want to be with you, I really do, but you obviously don't want to be with me in the same way. So I don't have a choice but to walk away. Like I, I would love to stay, I would love to see where this goes. I would love to see what we could be together, but I need somebody who wants to be in a serious, committed relationship, and all you've told me is that you don't want that. So I'm going to respect that and I'm going to. I'm going to, you know. Basically, let you live your life, I'm going to go live mine and hopefully we can both find exactly what it is we're looking for.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Wouldn't that make you shit your pants and say, uh, you know, maybe I should. And that's not to say that you should say that in order to garnish that response, right? I'm just saying, if somebody really cares about you, you walking away because you know you deserve better, shouldn't push them away, it should only bring them closer, right, maybe it'll motivate them a little bit, but and again I can't stress enough like, please, don't use that to manipulate somebody to saying that they want to be with you because you never want that for a relationship. You never want a relationship to begin on manipulation. That is a whole other level of toxicity. Okay, you do want to be honest, you do want to be honest, and honest is I can't be with somebody who isn't choosing to be with me, because I'm looking for a serious relationship, I'm looking for love, I'm looking for a committed, loving relationship that I could count on, and if anything comes along that doesn't fit that criteria, I'm not going to settle. I won't, and you shouldn't. You really, really, really, really, really, really, really shouldn't. Sorry guys, these motorcycles are just next level today. The summer's coming to a wrap, so they're all trying to get their quality time on the bike before the cold weather comes.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Okay, so, going back to what we were talking about, you know how much time would you be willing to give it? Right, if you're afraid that he's gonna, you're just walking away too soon and he's really just about to open up to you. So what are you going to give it as an expiry date, like, how much time is too much time? Is it a week, a month, six months, a year, five years? What is the cutoff for you?

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Because, again, if somebody keeps telling you that they're not available to be in a relationship with you, you have to believe them. It's also part of being a loving partner. When somebody tells you what they're looking for, accept that. We have to accept that we can't try to change, wait for, convince or coerce or manipulate somebody into wanting something other than what they've told us that they want and whether or not they're ready for a relationship, or in denial, or dealing with some feelings that are really uncomfortable or scary or whatever. That's theirs, that's not yours. And sometimes, as codependents, we take that on as a personal fucking project. Right, please stop that. Let him worry about his side of the fence. You worry about your own, okay. And if somebody is telling you that they're not ready to be in a, again somebody's telling you they're not ready to be in a relationship or relationship with you or relationship with anyone, believe them. And if somebody keeps showing you with their actions that they're not ready to be in a relationship, believe them. Okay, this is another one.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Oh man, does the ego get triggered with this one? What if I walk away again? What if I walk away just too soon, right at the 11th hour, and then he makes himself emotionally available for someone else? Well, let me ask you this Do you want someone who took six months, a year or two years to decide that you were the person who could, in a week, decide somebody else was actually his person? Is that what you want? Yes, universe, yes, that's what I want. That's where my happily ever after lies. That's a lie. It's not. You want the person who chooses you, who chooses you first, without a doubt. Yes again, there could be some hesitation, some stickiness, some reservations, because love is a scary thing for everybody, but that doesn't mean that they keep you on the line waiting. And, honey, if you let him go and a week later he finds somebody else, he was never yours to begin with, because he would take a minute to process his feelings for you, but he didn't. He moved on to somebody else.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So don't you know one hard truth that I had to face when I saw my relationships, you know floundering, and then they would find like the woman that they were meant to be with. I felt like I was like a pit stop right Until they found the one, and it was really hard, it was really hurtful, it was, it was. It really took a toll on me and, you know, I really had to work on the mindset of if they were truly for, if they were really really, really mine to begin with, they we never would have, we never would have been in that situation. They never would have been emotionally unavailable for me to leave them so that they could find somebody else, you know. So you have to really shift your perspective around those things. And I know it can be hard and I know it can be tricky and I know it could bring up and I know it can be tricky and I know it could bring up a lot of our inner stuff. And that's why we tell these lies to ourselves. We tell these lies to ourselves because it's so good at keeping our shit beneath the surface, where we don't have to look at it or feel it. But when we stop telling these lies to ourselves and actually let the truth come forward, it gets a little uncomfortable, right. But this is where the mindset work is really important and again, you know, if you're struggling with any of these patterns like, here are some practical tips. Yes, but if you're struggling with any of these patterns, emotionally or energetically, go to the show notes and book a 90-minute intensive with me and we'll get to the bottom of where the energy is entangled, so that you can do this, no problem, because you deserve it and you know that.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Um, okay, last one, and this is kind of like this could kind of be like the sum of all. Well, I wasn't gonna say some of all fears, but this is some of the sum of all. Well, I wasn't going to say some of all fears, but this is some of the some of all the lies we've just told ourselves. I'll just wait, he'll be ready eventually. Like I know, delulu is a thing right now, but that's just a little bit too Delulu for me, because, again, to ask the question how long are you fucking willing to wait? A week, six months, a year, five, ten, what's it going to be? What's the cutoff, what is the relationship's expiry date, before you say you know what? Hell? No, I actually deserve to find a love who chooses to be with me, who wants to be with me and who chooses me again and again, every single fucking day, instead of somebody that I need to wait around for to decide.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

He may never decide that he wants to be with you. He may be meant to be with somebody else other than you, and I know that hurts, but it's true or he may never want to be in a relationship, or he might not want to be in a relationship for at least another five years. You're going to wait around that long. You have to start choosing yourself. This pattern of self-abandonment where we abandon our desires, our dreams, our wishes, our love fulfilled. Desires, our dreams, our wishes, our love fulfilled, because we're stuck that on this person that they're the one and we are going to wait around, convince, coerce, chase, convince that they want to be with us. If I can, if I can, let you take home anything from this episode today, it's choose the one who's.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

I'm not going to say choose the one who's choosing you, but choose from the ones that are choosing you. Like criteria number one, he chooses you, otherwise there's no point in getting in a relationship with him. You both have to be choosing each other, and that's not to say you just choose whoever chooses you, no matter how you feel about them. Obviously you need to choose them like, intentionally choose them as well, but there should be intentional choosing going on on both sides of the street, otherwise it can't be a fulfilling connection. And when we settle for these types of connections, we're basically telling the universe I don't want my happily ever after, but no, I don't want that Ew. No, I don't want the fairy tale, I don't want my you know, not that he's going to show up on a white horse, but whatever, you know what I mean. I want this, I want to chase, I want to convince, I want someone who's not going to be readily available to me, I want someone that I have to wait for and coerce and manipulate into loving me. Okay, wish granted. Hence the development of the pattern.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

It's so easy to lie to yourself. And again, it's easy because then we don't have to look at what's going on beneath the surface, which is all the fears and and the beliefs that have us convinced that we're not loved, we're not worthy, we're not good enough and that we're going to be abandoned and rejected and destroyed. And if we can just convince Someone To stick around, to choose us, to be with us, we never have to face that fear, ever, ever, ever again. But you know what, when we make these little lies to ourselves, it's actually whispering to you in the back of your mind the entire time You're not good enough. He's going to leave. Not pretty enough, not skinny enough, you're not curvy enough, not smart enough. You're not successful enough. You're not curvy enough, not smart enough, you're not successful. If you have enough money, you're not anything enough. And it's always going to be in the back of your mind he's going to leave. What if he leaves? Are you going to hear from him again? He hung up the phone kind of funny. What did he mean by that? What did he mean in that last text? Oh, I, I saw the buttons, I saw the bubbles. When then he stopped texting, is he not going to text me? What's he thinking? Is he mad? Oh, my God, he said something and I'm mad.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

These are all the things that these lies are keeping you from, because those are the things that you need to look at and those are the things that you need to work through in order to be a match for that relationship that you truly want. And again, this goes for all types of relationships, not just romantic ones. We're talking every single time, anytime we have an energetic exchange with somebody, it's got to come from a place of choosing yourself first, knowing what you desire, knowing what feels right and aligned for you, and not making compromise. I mean, yes, obviously all relationships have a compromise. I mean, every healthy relationship has compromise.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

And if any coach out there or healer or whatever, tells you that there's you never you, you you should never compromise in a relationship, that you should never compromise in a relationship, that is some really fucking unhealthy advice. Sorry, I mean that's like you know, narcissist 101, right Relationships will always have compromise, but it needs to be aligned, both parties need to feel good about it and it needs to work both ways. You can't always be one person doing the compromising, you know it. Just, it needs to come from a healthy, balanced place where you both mutually love and respect each other and want the best for one another. And so, yeah, it is going to be a bit of a give and take, but that's okay, you know.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So all that to say, you know calling out the lies and really seeing them for what they are right, which is just a front for all the things that we're avoiding underneath. That I was avoiding underneath, oh, and I didn't tell you which one was my favorite lie. Okay, are you ready? It was number one. He really loves me. He's just too afraid to let love in. Oh, and you know what, if you didn't hear my excitement and my silliness when I talked about it, I mean that should have been your first clue.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

That and the fact that I put it at number one, like, come on, but this was literally my dad, right? And this goes back to how I saw my dad. I saw my dad as this very strong, very you know what's it called Emperor type energy, if you know tarot this very emperor type energy, right and almost like stoic. And it's like I knew the love that was kind of, you know, beneath all of that. And I knew his discomfort with emotion. And I knew his discomfort with sharing emotion, expressing emotion, feeling emotion, being in the presence of other people's emotions, like my dad did not do emotion at all, like it was just nope, other people's emotions Like my dad did not do emotion at all, like it was just nope.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

And so, you know, I was dating these guys who were very strong, very emperor type energy, very stoic, and so I convinced myself that these guys totally loved me, that these guys totally loved me, were totally devoted to me. They were just afraid to let love in, so romantic. But where these little fantasies of mine fell short is maybe you could be in a relationship with somebody like that, if you know again, they were fully present, fully committed. You know again, they were fully present, fully committed, and showing you love in all their other ways, in their love language. Maybe, if our love language is aligned, yeah, sure, why not? But they weren't doing that. Boo, one day they were here, next day they weren't One day.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

I would get like ambushed with text message after text message after text message because their ego needed a boost or they needed a fix, or they had an itch to scratch or whatever the reason was. And then, when they didn't need me anymore, boop silence, sometimes a couple of days, sometimes a week, sometimes a month. And yet I still somehow convinced myself but no, he really loves me, he really does. He loves me so much he's just afraid. Lies, lies, lies, all lies, okay, and I had to really come to terms with that. Now, again, I've used all these lies from one point in time or another, but that was probably my most common, because I tended to fall for these types of guys. That reminded me of my dad and that's the meaning I assigned to their behavior. Okay, so going back to you know, okay.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So what do you do? Right, when you're telling these lies to yourself, is you do have to make a choice. You have to be willing to choose yourself. Let these relationships go, take them at face value, right? They're telling you they don't want to be in a relationship. They're showing you they don't want to be in a relationship. Whether with you or with anyone doesn't really fucking matter. The point is they're not in it. Walk away, and that takes strength, because not only are you walking away from this relationship that we are attached to, you're also walking right into all the pain points, the wounding and the traumas that this relationship and the lies that you're telling yourself are protecting you from. Because now you have to look at it.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

And that's usually why we lie to ourselves the way that we do, because we're avoiding. We chase, listen, listen, listen, if very carefully. When we are chasing someone, we are running from ourselves. We are running from ourselves. When we are chasing their love, we are running from loving ourselves. There's something within us that we're avoiding a pain, a trauma, a past hurt that we don't want to look at. It's too fucking painful. There's a limiting belief. There's something we don't love about ourselves. There's something that we don't want to accept about ourselves. There's something that we don't feel is good enough in ourselves, and so, instead of confronting that head on, we attach to and latch on to these emotionally unavailable relationships. What a perfect distraction from what's going on in our internal reality.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So that's why this is why I preach self-love as much as I do because it's so important to who we are as a human being to be able to take a step back and say no, I'm going to fully love and accept myself as I am, and I'm going to look at all my shit and I'm going to, I'm going to allow myself to feel it. I'm going to allow myself to move through it. I'm going to accept my flaws. I'm going to accept that I'm not perfect. I'm going to accept my flaws. I'm going to accept that I'm not perfect. I'm going to accept that there's things that I love about myself. I'm going to accept that there's things I freaking hate about myself, and that all gets to be okay. And I know that there is somebody out there who will choose me and he will show up when I start choosing myself. Even if it doesn't look like it, even if I'm afraid I'm going to choose myself, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to pay attention to everything going on in here and that's when he's going to show up, because you can keep chasing these guys. Like I said for years, I'm, if I okay, I'm going to actually do the girl math right now. I'm going to do the girl math From the time that I started.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

When did we? I don't know when. When did we start? I started, I think I started. I think my first boyfriend was in grade seven, didn't even count because we didn't even make out Like it was. I don't even know what it was, but anyway, grade seven was my first boyfriend. It was such a joke. That was probably what set me up for emotionally unavailable men, because he asked me out and then for like a month we didn't like talk to each other. We avoided each other in the halls and then eventually like broke up, but anyway. So that was probably where this all started. It was all downhill from there.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

No, there were some good ones, but let's just say like, for the most part, most of the guys I dated since I was what? 12, 13 years old, having boyfriends until the time that I went on my hiatus, which would have been seven years ago. So, okay, so it's actually been 30 freaking years from 13 to 43. Cause I'm 50 now and I went on my seven year high school. So give or take, let's say 40, let's say 35 years, 35 fucking years. Of those 35 years I was in a very serious relationship for, for I'd say, about two years there and then 15 years with someone else. So let's say it was 15 years.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

15 years wasted on emotionally unavailable men, men who I was waiting on, chasing, trying to convince, crushing on, and they didn't know I existed and so I refused to date anybody else unless I had that person Broken up with, but refusing to let go of Any of this resonating for you, any of this resonating for you. 15 years, more than a decade, a decade and a half of my life wasted waiting, chasing and convincing. So no wonder when my ex said goodbye at JFK and he was like, why aren't you dating? I'm like I don't want to fucking date nobody until they're emotionally available. Do you understand? I am done, done, done, done, done, done, and I want you to be done too.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

And part of that is accepting who they are, what they're telling you, what you want, and facing what you're avoiding by chasing them and facing what you're avoiding by chasing them. Okay, I know you can do this. I know that it's hard, I know that it sucks, but you can do this. I promise you. Change your mindset around it. Change what you're willing to accept and tolerate. Look at things from a different lens. Stop trying to give alternate meanings to things. Take people at face value and word value and make your decisions off of that. Yes, it'll be hard at first, but you'll thank yourself later.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

And if you're struggling with this, if you're struggling to make those hard decisions, if you're struggling to walk away, if you're struggling to see through the lies or if you're struggling to face what's behind those lies, go to the show notes below and book an intensive with me 90 minutes. I promise you you will come out of that session a whole different person. Okay, stop waiting, chasing and convincing them to choose you. Choose yourself and become a magnet for healthy love, the kind that chooses you every single time. That is my wish for every single one of you listening to this episode. If you love this episode, it would mean the world to me if you would leave a positive rating and a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you're seeing or listening to this episode. Until the next time, you guys, massive love.