The Femme Cast

WHY YOU KEEP ATTRACTING EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MEN | THE DEEP TRUTHS I HAD TO FACE

September 02, 2024 • Maria @TheFemmeCast

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Ever wondered why you keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners? In this episode of The Femme Cast I share some of my deep personal truths behind this pattern as I experienced it, and how confronting your own emotional unavailability can lead to profound transformation. 

This is for you if:

  • You feel stuck in a pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable partners.
  • You struggle with vulnerability and fear of emotional intimacy.
  • You're ready to confront your past patterns and transform your relationships.

In this episode, I share my personal journey with emotionally unavailable partners, the painful realizations I faced, and the steps I took to finally break free from the pattern once and for all. Tune in to learn how you can transform your love life by addressing your own emotional barriers. 

Let’s do this!

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MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Hey you guys, what is up? Welcome back to the show. I am so excited and grateful to have you guys here In this episode. I'm talking all about why you keep attracting emotionally unavailable men and the really deep, hard truths that I had to face when this pattern was showing up for me. I will share why I was stuck in this pattern for so much longer than I actually care to admit, and the painful realization that I was part of the problem for so much longer than I actually care to admit, and the painful realization that I was part of the problem, which is not always easy to accept, you guys, but sometimes we really do need to look at okay, well, what am I doing to be a vibrational match to this? What am I doing to invite this into my world, into my life, into my reality? And that is really important. So, and I'll share some of the insights into recognizing and addressing emotional unavailability in both ourselves and in our relationships. So this is going to be a really good episode. I'm really excited about this one.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

This is for you if you feel stuck in a pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable partners. Unavailable partners If you're struggling with vulnerability and the fear of emotional intimacy and I laugh, you guys, because this is where I struggled the most. If you're ready to confront your past patterns and transform your relationships, then this episode is for you. So I'm going to start this episode with a question that I want you guys to think about and ponder as we move through this episode, and I would love, love, love, love, to invite you to message me on Instagram, send me a DM at the Femcast and let me know does this sound familiar to you? You give your all. You meet these new, amazing people right. They come into your world. You think, oh, my God, this guy's great. This guy is like. He's everything I've been looking for. He's like my prince charming, he's my knight in shining armor, whatever, whatever label you give them, but somehow, somehow they check all your boxes except one. They are not emotionally available to you. It is the most freaking, frustrating situation to be in, but I kid you not, it is a very powerful situation to be in, because this is where we're often invited to make a choice.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Okay, so I want you to think about this and think about have you ever been in the situation? Are you currently in the situation? Let me know what do you think is happening and why do you think this is happening? I'm really curious. Let's have a conversation, because I'm really curious to see how people are coping with and making sense of these types of patterns. And be assured, if you keep attracting emotionally unavailable men, one after the other after the other, you are in a pattern. Right, it's not just a matter of and this is something I think we're going to talk about this a little bit more later on it's not just a matter of okay, well, I just have to find the right person. You are in a pattern, so we need to acknowledge that. And now we need to figure out okay, why am I in this pattern and how can I break it and how can I shift it? Okay, so DM me. If this is you, let me know your response to the question. Let me know what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what's happening for you. I will be answering a few of the questions in the DMs. For sure, one lucky person is also going to get a Zoom link from me to get on a 15-minute free breakthrough session. So I'm super excited to start doing these, you guys. It's going to be powerful, okay, so let's dive in. So, if you guys have followed me for a while.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

You know I went through my douchebag era, which I talk about a lot on the podcast. Um, if you're going through a douchebag era, I love you and I feel for you. Just know it's leading to your self-love era and your glow up era and your I don't give two fucks era. So there's a blessing in this. But anyway, back to the point. You know I had gone through what felt like a freaking lifetime of constantly dating and being involved with emotionally unavailable men. It was like, are there no real men out there left anymore? And it was funny because I always, I always assumed that it was their problem, it was their fault, something was wrong with the guys I was dating.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Now, the last guy before I went into myself, lavera, who was not a douchebag by any means I I've said that so many times he was actually, um, yeah, he was the straw that broke the camel's back, but in the most loving way, and I love him dearly and I always send him love, no matter where I am and no matter what I'm doing. If he crosses my mind, I'm always sending him love and positive vibes because he's just yeah, okay. So there was a moment when, you know, we were in, we were still in relationship this is before he left and I remember him saying to me, like we had I don't know how many times we had gotten into these big doozies of an argument. And what I didn't realize is that every time we got into an argument, I saw that as a red flag and I went to run for the hills and I would break up and I would like shut down and I would stop talking or I would I w, I would basically put my walls up every single time. And I remember him saying to me once he goes you are, you are literally the most guarded person I've ever met. I've never been involved with anybody who was more one foot in and one foot out than you. And I was like what? Huh? How is that possible? But I, I love you and I have all this affection for you and I do all these things for you. And I was and I was, and finally I was like but I do do that. And finally I was like but I do do that.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

At the first sign of a red flag, at the first sign of trouble, I am out the door. And even when there wasn't trouble, even when there wasn't trouble, I still had one foot out the door. I had one foot in, one foot out and I was looking for the trouble. I was on high alert for the trouble. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop so I could go looking for the trouble. I was on high alert for the trouble. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop so I could go running for the hills.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So, even though I was showing up in a very loving way, even though I was, you know, fully committing to the relationship, even though I was trying to be as supportive as I could and, you know, just show up with compassion and love and affection and all the things that you want to show up with in a relationship, I still had one fucking foot out the door, you guys. And that's because I'd been through some shit. And because I'd been through some shit, I was afraid to go through some more shit. Basically, right, and because of that fear, that fear of being hurt, that fear of being let down, that fear of being disappointed, I was one foot out, and I was.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

I was one foot out and I was constantly looking for the disappointment to come, so that I was very vigilant on looking for the disappointment and I was also very, very, very much afraid to be fully vulnerable, to share what I was feeling, to cry, to let him into some of the darker aspects of who I was and my journey and really sharing vulnerably what my deepest fears are, what my deepest desires are, what my desires for the relationship were. You know, I was keeping that very much under wraps because I didn't want to be too vulnerable, I didn't want to come off as too mushy, I didn't want to feel like I didn't want him to feel like I was chasing him or or trying to latch onto him. You know I was trying to kind of like, hold my cool, hold my, hold my place in the relationship and and and be in an empowered position. And with all of this, what I didn't realize was I was making myself emotionally unavailable because I was ready to jet right, because the reality is is that relationships are going to have conflict and if we're going to be in an emotionally available relationship, we need to be emotionally available to the conflict. We need to be emotionally available to the pain points. We need to be emotionally available for the hurt, the frustration, the anger that sometimes comes up with being in a relationship. We cannot just be emotionally available for the good stuff. We have to be emotionally available for the hard stuff too, and I think that was the big distinction for me. And also I needed to be really emotionally available to myself and with what I was feeling and to be honest and open about that in order to be emotionally available to him.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So it was a big lesson for me in terms of you know, why do I keep attracting these men?

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Why do I keep attracting? Why are they all emotionally available? Why do I keep? I had to really look in the mirror and say, okay, how am I showing up in a way that's emotionally unavailable, right? What is it about being in relationship with somebody who's who's showing up in an emote because he was showing up emotionally unavailable as well in his own way. So what is it about that that feels safe to me, that I keep inviting that into my energetic space, right?

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

That's a really important question, because if there's something that we keep attracting important question, because if there's something that we keep attracting, it's because, on some level, that's what we want energetically. Do you know what I mean? Like, we may not want it in our mind. We may not want it, as you know, our ideal for what we want in a relationship, what we want to see, what we want to experience, how we want to feel. It might not fit any of those criteria, but it's certainly fitting the criteria of that part of you that's like.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

But I'm so scared to be in a relationship. Relationships are hurt, they're painful. I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want to get disappointed again, I don't want to get, you know, blindsided again. And so, okay, well, you know, here we go. We'll manifest this perfect person right in front of you who is going to keep you at an arm's length and you'll never be able to feel really close to or connected to, and they are going to be your person and you're kind of like, but that's not what I meant. Universe, that's not exactly what I meant. And they're like and universe is like. But that's exactly what you said. You said you wanted to be with somebody, but you didn't want to be too close for them because you didn't want to get hurt and you didn't want to let yourself be seen and you didn't want to actually feel or express any of your emotion.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So here you go, we've checked all the boxes for you, but I wanted other boxes. There were other boxes what about the affection? What about date nights for you? But I wanted other boxes. There were other boxes, like what about? What about? What about the affection? What about date nights? What about, you know, making me laugh? What about cuddles after sex? Like I don't know, like, what are your check boxes? You know what I mean? None of those were there. Oh, it's like. But you were really adamant on these, these check boxes. But you were really adamant on these check boxes. Boo, we gave you exactly what you wanted. Is that not what you want?

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

No, okay, let's change the conversation. Let's change the energetic signature to be in alignment with what we actually want, right? So we're going to be talking a lot about emotionally unavailable men in relationships and what that really means and where that comes from. But for now, talk about what it is within you that might be attracting these emotionally available partners, right, which we've kind of, we've touched on, and I also want to share with you what I did in my reality to then shift and become available for emotionally available men and any kind of relationship. Really, when we're taught, emotional, emotional availability can happen in so many different kinds of relationships. You guys doesn't have to be just intimate relationships.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

And this is this is something that has trickled through all of my relationships. Where you know I went from, um, you know being in, in, in friendships with people who you know. Maybe their friendships felt very superficial, um, we didn't talk much, we didn't share feelings much. It was all about what we did, where we went, who we saw. Right, it wasn't about hey, how are you doing today, how are you feeling, how can I support you? Right, what do you need today? Right, it's totally different level of friendship. It went from workplaces and coworkers and career connections where you know this is what we think we need you for and this is what we think you're a fit for, and this is where we see we need you for and this is what we think you're a fit for and this is where we see you going in your career. And this, what do you need? What do you want in your life, in your career? What really speaks to you? You know, what are you passionate about, right?

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So, and I mean, when it comes to romantic relationships, I mean it's pretty obvious, right, like you know going from, and there was so many ways, there's so many ways emotionally unavailable men can show up Like it's crazy, like I don't even know if I can actually define all of them, like, again, I'm not a psychologist guys. Like I'm just sharing what I've experienced and I have dated a plethora of emotionally unavailable men. I've actually been in long-term relationships with emotionally unavailable men and, yes, that is actually really possible. I've been in family relationships with emotionally unavailable men, men who couldn't process their emotions properly, that weren't comfortable being vulnerable, that weren't comfortable sharing, that weren't comfortable expressing themselves right. Maybe they felt it on the inside, they never talked about it. But all that to say, like there's so many ways that they can show up and there's so many different ways it can look like right and you know whether it's because they're not emotionally available to you or they're not emotionally available, period. You know that's another conversation for another day.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

But if you are again, if you are in a pattern of constantly dating emotionally unavailable men or people into your reality, it's time to check yourself and say why do I keep inviting these emotionally unavailable relationships into my life? What in me is afraid to be in relationship? What part of me doesn't feel safe? Being vulnerable, being fully seen, and that, my friend, is where the magic happens, okay. So if you find yourself in a pattern like that, I really want you to ask yourself those two questions and really think long and hard about well, where am I afraid to be seen? Where am I afraid to share how I'm feeling? Where am I afraid to let my guard down and just enjoy the moment and be in a relationship with somebody? Where am I not really investing emotionally and sharing myself emotionally with another human being?

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

And then, you know, feeling disappointed when people aren't sharing themselves emotionally with me. Right, we have to be willing to go there, we have to be willing to put ourselves out there, we have to be willing to love and lose. We cannot find love if we're afraid to lose. Right, it's no way to live. Love can always be lost, it doesn't matter. There's no guarantees, it doesn't matter who it is, but we have to not be afraid to lose it in order to really experience it. We have to not be afraid to lose love to have love. I'm going to write that down because I think I need to make that shareable.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

But so you know, coming from that place where, again, I felt really uncomfortable being vulnerable, I felt really uncomfortable being vulnerable. I felt really unsafe being in relationship. I was constantly in fear of being hurt, let down, disappointed and, you know, having to experience the pain of abandonment and rejection again, the pain of abandonment and rejection again. So what I did was after we said our tearful goodbyes at JFK airport. What a story. I'm pretty sure I heard it on the podcast before, I can't remember actually. But nonetheless, we said goodbye. He went his direction, I went my direction, he went his direction, I went my direction. And you know, I really, you know, walked away from that experience With that first. It was the first time I was like I'm just not wanting to be with kind of you know, see, like what's that expression? Put the nail inside the coffin or seal the nail in the coffin. I can anyway, you know what I'm trying to say.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

There was probably a couple of others that started to kind of trickle in after he left and we separated and you know, and they were showing up in a very, very emotionally unavailable way and I just wasn't available for it anymore, like I had zero tolerance. I'm like I am not going through this again, I am not playing these games, I am not putting my heart out there for somebody who's not emotionally available to me. I am done, I am done, done, done, done, done. And that's when I really went, that's when the height. I made that vow to myself, you guys. I made the vow where I said I am never, ever, getting into another relationship again until I know that I am magnetic to only emotionally available partners. I'm just not here for this shit anymore. I was. It took fucking long enough, let me tell you, to get to that point. But fuck whatever, I got there.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

And so you know, and I remember even talking to him, you know, after we'd separated and you know we kept in contact for a very long time. It was a very hard relationship to let go of for both of us because we never actually broke up. Circumstances kind of yanked us apart and, you know, kind of pulled us in two different directions, but so the letting go, emotionally speaking, was really difficult in that relationship for again for both of us. And so we kept. We kept all the threads attached for a very long time, you guys, and constantly going back and forth with one another and saying that we were dating other people, but not. Well, he was saying he was dating other people, which I was fine with because we weren't together anymore and we had no plans to come together again at that point. But I still wasn't out there dating anybody. But it wasn't because and this was kind of the important distinction yes, I was so attached to him and I couldn't.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

It was very hard to be available to anybody else when I was being attached to him, but even like the people who came in, I was just like I'm just, I can't do this anymore, like I just didn't want to date anybody. And I remember him pushing me, I guess, to kind of ease his own guilt Cause. You know he was out there, obviously dating again, and you know he was always checking me in with me and seeing how I was doing Like I'm fine, how I was doing Like I'm fine, you know I'm working on my work, I'm doing my business, I'm doing that and it's like but are you seeing anybody? I'm like, no, not really. And I think he probably thought that there was a part of me that was still like holding on and probably felt guilty, like didn't want me to be alone and didn't want me to be sad and didn't want any of those things for me. He's like you got to get back out there. I like I really I want, I want you to start seeing people, and I'm like I can't. He's like, well, why? And I'm like, honestly, I just I can't right now. I just need to focus on myself and God, love him Like he really did, just want the best for me, and I think he, you know, probably a little egotistically assumed that it was because of him that I was in that position and it really wasn't like it.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

I really was in a self love era. You guys, I was really in that place where I don't want to be with anybody, I don't want to talk with anybody, I don't want to have sex with anybody, I don't want to fool around with anybody, I don't want to share my space with anybody, I don't want anybody like you know whatever, like shaving themselves on my bathroom sink and leaving like the mess, like I just wanted my time. This was my time, this was my fucking time and I was going to really enjoy it and make the most of it, and I was going to make sure that I was no longer attracting emotionally unavailable men. I made a vow to myself absolutely no more dating until I knew I could attract an emotionally available partner. And so, you know, I really took this self-love era seriously.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

I really just devoted all my time to taking care of myself, nurturing my body, my mind, my emotions, and just really being present and available for me and really looking at, okay, well, what was it within me that was attracting these emotionally unavailable partners? So we talked about the questions like why I didn't feel safe, why I was afraid, why I was always one foot at one foot out right, and so, you know, coming to that understanding and that realization of that, I was afraid, why I was always one foot at one foot out Right, and so, you know, coming to that understanding and that realization of that, I was afraid to be in relationship. I was afraid to be vulnerable. I had, I was afraid to be seen. I now had to undo all of that, okay, and there was some very um, sound, simple methods that I used in order to do this, but you know, over time, they really, really, really worked Like they really worked. So I'm going to share those with you here right now.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So the first one that I think was really important for me in terms of shifting my energetic signature so that I could be a vibrational match for emotionally available men, was journaling my thoughts and feelings and a lot of freaking ugly cries. You guys Like all that emotion that you're holding on to, all that fear, all that pain, all that sadness, all that hurt, all that rejection. You've got to let it out. You know we're too good at being tight-lipped, holding in our emotions because we think that's the strong or the noble thing to do, what a confident woman would do. That's all a bunch of bullshit. It's very unhealthy, it's very toxic and it makes you toxic in the end.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So I my advice to you is learn to be comfortable with your feelings, learn to express yourself in healthy ways, learn to write out your thoughts and your emotions such that you can get it all out of you. And it is such. There's something so healing about that, because not only are you letting it out right and not holding it inside, but you're also acknowledging it. And I think that's the big piece in all of this is that when we can actually hold space and acknowledge our own emotion, that's when we become a vibrational match for somebody who can actually be in an emotional connection with us. Because if we're not comfortable, if we're not comfortable with our own emotions, why would anybody want to be in an emotional connection with us, we're just going to keep attracting people who are not comfortable with their emotions and therefore they won't share them with us and we won't share them with them and we'll just be living life in these emotionally unavailable connections. Fuck, no Over that.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

I know there's a lot of other people out there in this space that will tell you just think positive, you know, don't you know? Whatever you're thinking or fearing or whatever you know, just shift it to a positive thought, which is true. I think positive thoughts are really important. But first we need to acknowledge what's going underneath the thoughts, what's going on underneath our mindset. And there are feelings there. And those feelings are there for a reason they're meant to be experienced, they're meant to be felt, they're meant to be moved through. So we go through these difficult experiences, we experience the difficult emotions, we move through them. Then we do the mindset work.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Too often people are too quick to jump the gun on this and start doing the mindset work right away, ignoring the emotion. That's when you have you guys listen to me please that's when you start to muck up your energetic signature, because now you've taken all that emotion, you've stuffed it all inside of you. You've trapped it somewhere in your body. You've created all this superficial mindset crap on top of it to fool yourself into thinking you're a positive thinker, you're attracting positive things. But there's all this other stuff going on beneath the surface that you're not looking at and that is where a lot of your manifestations are coming from. It's coming from beneath the surface, the stuff you're not willing to look at, the uncomfortable shit you don't want to go. Look at again, experience again, feel again, acknowledge. That's where the work is Okay.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So journal, get your thoughts out, feel your feelings, cry when you need to until you feel neutral, and then you can pause and do something else and have some fun and do something that nourishes you or that makes you feel good. Or, you know, maybe it's having a nice salt bath, maybe it's going for a walk out in nature, maybe it's going out for cocktails with your girls, whatever like, whatever feels good to you, you know. But make sure you have that moment to move through your emotions first. Then I want you to really start getting comfortable with sharing your feelings with others. Now, this was really hard for me and I will give you a few cautions when you do this, because when you've surrounded yourself with emotionally unavailable people your whole life. Sometimes you don't have anybody who's safe to share your feelings with, and this is fact like, especially as you get older. Sometimes it's really hard to find people that you can share your feelings with.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So initially what this looked like for me, I had connected with a bunch of people. I was in a bunch of Facebook groups where I was, you know, you know there was like self love communities and spiritual communities and you know, business development communities and things where I'd made some really powerful connections with people who were pretty much in the same boat, that I was going through the same things. I was understanding, you know we were on the same life trajectory, we were working through the same shit and really, really, really close friendships. Most of these people really live like they live far away, so we weren't like we couldn't be physically close, but we really close friendships. Most of these people really live like, I mean, they live far away, so we weren't like we couldn't be physically close but we were emotionally close and I think there was a safety net in that right, because it was still keeping them at a distance right At the end of the day.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

But what it did allow me to do was start to share some of my feelings and be honest, and this took time. This took a lot of time and there was a lot of what's it called misfires in the beginning where I felt like, oh my God, I shared too much, I didn't share enough. Oh, that wasn't the truth, or I didn't wasn't really honest about what I was feeling. I kind of what did I even mean when I said that? Oh, I think they took that the wrong way, like there was so much of that, like so much, so much. But you know what? It helped me get my sea legs back and it helped me be really comfortable with sharing how I was feeling.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

The other thing really was this podcast. Like this has been such a healing journey for me. It's un-fucking-believable how much this podcast has actually healed me. But it's funny and I have this conversation with and you know when in the beginning, I remember people asking me well, how can you like? Because nobody knew that I had the podcast at the beginning Like it was like a total secret. It was like I was, like you know, completely stealth. I think it was probably like a few people knew but most people didn't. And then when I started to tell people I had a podcast, I remember getting so embarrassed, right, and a podcast. I remember getting so embarrassed, right, and be like, but I have a podcast and I would like murmur it under my breath and be like, oh, but that's great, that's a fantastic.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Give a podcast. What is it? I'm like, no, no, no, you can't listen to it. Well, what's it called? No, no, no, I don't want to share. And be like, why don't you want to share? Like, it's your podcast. You're putting it out there. Like like, why not with that?

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

I feel more comfortable sharing with strangers than with people. I know that's how emotionally unavailable I was. Okay, that's, that's your first clue. I was comfortable sharing my, my life, my pain, my story, my trauma with total fucking strangers, but I wouldn't share it with people I knew because it didn't feel safe to me. So, um, so, starting to share your feelings with others.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

And again, baby steps, baby steps. Okay, find communities of like-minded people that you can share with, right, um, find a counselor, find some sort of support system where you can start to talk openly about what it is that you're feeling when you start to you know, when you start to find these relationships and you start to find people that you can share with or be in relationship with. You know, share little bits at a time, don't share everything. You just want to start to get your feet wet again and it's going to feel a little uncomfortable, but you want it to feel just a little bit uncomfortable. When it starts to feel too uncomfortable and you start to feel, it's when your nervous system gets rattled, when you start to get very dysregulated. I don't know how to describe that feeling, but it kind of feels like it almost feels like panic sets in. So once you start to feel that it's time to pull back. You've said enough. You did your work for today. Give yourself a pat on the back, go do something else and then next time, share a little bit more, share a little bit more, share a little bit more.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

This takes practice. Okay, it's not a one and done thing. You need to retrain yourself to be open and and and and be able to share yourself and your feelings in a relationship again. And this does not happen overnight. Obviously, when we do the emotional work and we do the emotional energetics behind why you're afraid, this happens much faster. Right, because now we take the fear out. We take all that energetic muck out that's keeping you from wanting to share yourself and be really emotionally vulnerable with your relationships. We take that part out of the equation and now you're more free to be who you are and express yourself more fully.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

But when you're going at it from you know, trying to take the actionable steps to make the shift, you have to be a little bit more gentle with yourself and it takes just a little bit longer, more patience, okay, so and this is something that I mentioned before is you want to work through all your past emotional pain until you get to a neutral state with all of it, right? So you may have to revisit. Right, you may have to go back. You may have to revisit. Right, you may have to go back. You may have to revisit. You may have to have another cry. You may have to have another journal session, you may have to have another conversation with a friend or with a therapist or whatever to get all of that really out. And when you can kind of feel neutral about whatever's happened in the past.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

And I will say this I am somebody who's experienced a lot of emotional abuse in my relationships. I've experienced, you know my fair share of trauma in my life. Here's how I describe it, cause I've had actually had this debate a lot lately is what point, at what point do you know that you're done? Like you know, there's a lot of pressure out there to forgive the people who have abused you. I don't subscribe to that. I mean I do.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

I think I can come to a place here's where I describe it. You know, when I look back on the people who have caused me emotional abuse or pain or trauma I can hold, I can forgive them for their actions, knowing that it was coming from a hurt place. I can have compassion for the pain that led them to do what they did to me. They don't have a place in my world anymore, though, like that part is like okay, I hear you, I see you. I acknowledge that you were a wounded person when you did this to me.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

I acknowledge that you know it was coming from a place of pain that you inflicted. You projected your pain and your hurt and your wounding onto me in that way and I feel for you for that. You know, no one should have to be in that kind of pain, right? No human. So for that I send you love and peace. Stay the fuck out of my life.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

I don't need you here. I don't need to mend a relationship with you. I don't need to let you back into my world. I don't need to trust you again. I don't need to put what happened happened and I don't need to put a positive spin on that, other than maybe to say, well, you know, maybe the positive thing that came out of all of it is I get to do the work that I'm doing right now. So I was like this is a good thing, right, but it doesn't change what happened. It doesn't change what it meant. It doesn't change how it changed me. It doesn't change the impact that it had on me. It doesn't change the difficult emotions that I had to work through. So, even though it was for the best and I know that it was because I get to do the work that I'm doing today you can stay over there. There's no place for you in this time-space reality with me anymore. You've shown me who you are, thank you. I believe you Go sit on the other side of the room now or actually leave the fucking building, because, yeah, again people say that people.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

I know this expression is so overused, but it's really true. You guys, when people show you who they are, just believe them and stop trying to. You know there's too much that we do where we make excuses for people's bad behavior. We, you know we can hold compassion for people's abusive behavior or bad behavior because it comes from a wounded place. We can hold compassion for that, you guys, we can hold forgiveness for that. But you know it doesn't make it okay. People are ultimately still responsible for how they treat other people and we can't keep making excuses for bad behavior and I see women do that too many times.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Oh, he's only like that with me because you know he's so insecure. His last girlfriend did a number on him. His father left him when he was a little boy and he's always struggled with his masculine strength. His mom used to belittle him. His daddy emasculated him. We make all these fucking excuses for how people show up in relationship with us instead of saying yeah, okay, I see you, I hear you, I hear you, I feel you, I know you, I know you had your own story, your own experience, and I have compassion for you, but I'm not going to take responsibility for it anymore. None of what happened to you is my fault, none of it. Okay. So that's a boundary. We all need to work on setting. I know I needed to work on setting it. I'm pretty solid in it right now.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

You guys like honestly, and it's taken work because underneath oh my God, we're going on so many tangents today, sorry you guys, but underneath why we do that, is this need to it's like this need to be like the good girl, it's this need to be the nice girl, it's this need to be forgiving and, you know, hold compassion. It's the codependent in us wanting to take care of all the wounded puppies in the world While all the while, we're basically wounding ourselves in the process Because we're so focused on what they need that we're ignoring our needs, and that's very intentional when you're a codependent. So make no mistake Now. So, after doing all that and working through, like all the past, pain and the most trauma, and you know, you know coming to a neutral state where I felt okay with what happened and I felt like, okay, like I feel like I can, I can hold some compassion, but I can also hold my boundaries and not feel bad about it. I guess that would be the magic combination is be able to hold compassion and understanding and maybe a little bit of forgiveness, but, at the same time, not being afraid to hold your fucking boundaries, because you deserve that but you don't. You don't deserve that. You deserve better Right. So when you get to that place, then it's time to shift your mindset around what being in a truly loving relationship means for you.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Up until that point, being in a loving relationship for me felt unsafe, it felt scary, it felt like a big risk. It felt like I was, you know, setting myself up for hurt, pain and disappointment. Actually, I needed to shift my mindset around. What I needed to believe instead was that if I was truly in a loving relationship, there is no safer place to be. There is no more. There's not a more natural state for a human to be in than to be in love. That's what we're designed for, and so loving relationships are the safest place to be.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Loving relationships are the most fulfilling places to be. Loving relationships are the most fulfilling connections to have, and being emotionally vulnerable is fundamental to having those fulfilling connections, and so I welcome being emotionally available, I welcome being vulnerable, I welcome sharing myself, my heart, my soul and my emotions with another human being, because I want that connection and it is worth it to me. And even if I get hurt down the road, I know I can handle it because I've been through some stuff and I know that I will come out okay. And I would rather feel maybe the pain of some loss down the road to know that I've experienced real love rather than to live in isolation and not experience any real love or connection or intimacy ever again. And this is where I had to like really shift my mindset. And this is where, like a lot of times, I would go on these little like positive, you know affirmation rants about what I truly wanted and why I was ready for it and why I wanted to move away from where I'd been. So practice doing that with yourself. It's really powerful. You can even like save this and I don't know time, stamp it and listen to it when you need that, you know, that affirmation to make you feel like you're safe, that you want to feel when you need that affirmation to help you feel safe to be in an intimate loving connection with someone. Okay. And then the last thing was really practicing discernment right Now.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Let's be clear when I first started attracting emotionally unavailable men, yeah, it was probably because I was a little bit emotionally available. I was nervous, I didn't feel good enough, so I was afraid to put myself fully out there. But let's face it, I was also just basically saying yes to whoever came along and not practicing any discernment at all, right? So I was, like you know, getting in connections and in relationships with these people who were emotionally unavailable. I was going all in, I was giving my all, and then I was getting hurt in the end, right. And so that happened once, that happened twice, it happened three times.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Boom, now we have a pattern. We have a pattern because now I've been in two or three relationships where I put my heart and my soul into the relationship and they were emotionally unavailable to me and I got hurt. So guess what? Now I'm guarded, now I'm one foot in, one foot out. Now I'm anticipating the worst case scenario with every guy that shows up in my life, and I'm always doing what I. I'm always thinking of what can I do here, in this, in this connection, in this container, to avoid feeling pain, the pain of abandonment and rejection again? And that made me emotionally unavailable. And so the pattern was that I was participating in the co-creation of that pattern, right? Because now I, like took the pattern, I put a patent on it and I just kept doing it over and over and over again, right? So in order to shift, I really needed to practice discernment about who I lived in.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So what this looked like was, you know, when I met people, it looked like holding a distance for a little while until I really get, I give them an opportunity to let them show me who they are, what their interests are, what they're looking for, and slowly, like it's a dance again. It's like it's like going back with the emotion. You know, dealing with your emotional state. Same thing, it's a dance again. It's like it's like going back with the emotion. You know, dealing with your emotional state. Same thing, it's a dance, it's. I'll show you a little bit of me. You show me a little bit of you. I will show you a little bit of me. You show me a little bit of you.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

And taking your time, before you really decide what role people will play in your life, I usually say six months, six months, six months to decide whether or not this person is a true partner. Six months, six months to decide whether or not this person is a true partner six months to decide whether or not this person is a friend with benefits. If that's what you're looking for and yes, there's a standard for that as well Please, ladies, don't just friends with benefits with anybody. Six months to decide whether or not it's a real friendship, right that you can have longevity with. Six months to really get to know somebody, to really know what they're all about, to really know what they're looking for and whether or not. You know you want to. You obviously you want to make sure your vibes align, but you also want to make sure your values align and that you can you can be in.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Really doesn't say that you have to be exactly the same, and I see this so much like. I see so many women who, you know, want to be in relationship with people who make the same amount of money or more than they do, or do the same type of work that they do, or work the same hours that they do, or it's like God, stop, please. Let them be their own human, you know. Let them do their own thing, let them have their own passions, let them have their own interests right. They don't need to be doing the same fucking thing that you're doing or spending time, or being like or spending time the exact same way that you do, so that you don't have to make any alterations to your schedule or worry about, you know, introducing yourself to somebody who may not know a lot about what it is that you do, right? You just, yeah, don't go there. Focus on the values, the important things.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Where are your viewpoints when it comes to relationship? What are your viewpoints when it comes to, if you're looking for a life partner, family? What are your viewpoints when it comes to how you cohabitate together? Right? How many children do you want to have? What things do you love that make your life meaningful? Right? Because I tell you right now.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Y'all know Pippa. You have met her on Instagram. I love her to bits. If you don't love dogs, there is no place in my world for you. Like, zero, Like it's just not a, it's just not open for debate. You know what I mean? Um, those are the, those are the things that you really want to look at, and that's not to say they have to love dogs, but at least be open to loving dogs. And Pippa's a lot to love. You guys, she's not an easy dog to love, but that's oh my God, I've been rambling for 45 minutes.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

Okay, so that is basically the steps that I went through in order to make myself emotionally available again, to work through the fear of being abandoned and rejected so I can actually show up in a very emotionally visible and vulnerable way in order to attract those kinds of relationships in my world. And, honestly, you guys like, so much has changed as a result of doing just that, just that and again, it'll take some time and it's going to take, you know, a little bit of patience on your part. But continue to take the action right and you will start to see a shift. And if it's getting, you know if it is really hard for you to make the shift or if it's taking too long or there's a lot of stuff coming up for you that you're having difficulty working through, hit me up. There's the link in the show notes for a session and we'll work through some of those energetic signature patterns that are showing up for you so that we can rewire your energetic signatures, so that you can become more magnetic to emotionally available partners, so that you yourself can be more emotionally available, because we're going to remove that fear that's kind of keeping you stuck in that pattern of showing up in emotionally unavailable ways. Okay.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST:

So again, think about what kind of relationships you're attracting right. Are you in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner and if so, how might you be emotionally unavailable? What are you afraid of? Why are you one foot in, one foot up, like I was before you left to write JFK before you said goodbye in JFK airport? Okay, um, think about that. Hit me up in the DMS and again, one person will get a 15 minute breakthrough session with me this week If you see this episode when it goes live. Okay, journal your thoughts and feelings. Um and again, book a session If you want to dive deeper. The link is in the show notes. That is all for now. You guys, stop waiting, chasing and convincing them to choose you, choose yourself and become a magnet for healthy love, the kind that chooses you every single time. If you love this episode, it would mean the world to me If you would leave a positive rating and review on Apple or Spotify or wherever you're seeing this. Until next time, you guys. Massive love.