Overcoming Fear And Healing Heartbreak | My Journey To Breaking Down Emotional Walls And Opening Up To Receive Love Again

In this episode of ThefemmeCast, I open up about the biggest mistake I made in my journey to heal from toxic relationships: self-barricading. I thought it was self-protection, but it was a wall preventing love (and everything else good) from entering my life. I share my journey from shutting down due to past hurt to realizing these walls were isolating me. Dancing, once my joy, became a painful reminder of my closed heart. My fear of vulnerability led to emotional unavailability, attracting similar energies, causing more pain.

The turning point was realizing these walls hindered the closeness and intimacy I craved. Rebuilding took time - gradually opening up, testing vulnerability, and discovering safe spaces. I share my rituals for opening oneself to love, from channeling love through spiritual practices to journaling to yourself all the ways that love is safe. 

Join me on this episode where I share all about overcoming fear and healing heartbreak. This is my journey to breaking down emotional walls and opening up to receive love once again.

Let's do this. 

READT TO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?
Start your reinvention with Your Reinvention Begins Now, my FREE 5-day experience.
5 minutes. 5 questions. A whole new conversation with yourself.
START YOUR REINVENTION NOW: https://thereinventionqueenpodcast.kit.com/reinvention

READY TO GO DEEPER?
Join The Reinvention Circle and keep the conversation going.
Your first 30 days are FREE. Then $27/month for founding members.
COME INSIDE:
https://www.thefemmecast.com/reinventioncircle

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

Healing From Emotional Barriers

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 0:52

Hey you guys , what is up and welcome back to the show . I'm so excited and grateful to have you here . Welcome back to another episode of the Femcast . I am super excited to talk about today's conversation and that is because this is one of the biggest mistakes I probably ever made in my journey to healing myself from heartbreak and toxic relationships , and it was what I thought at the time was self-protecting and boundaries was actually literally self-barricading . Nobody could get through the walls that I had built . I had built walls so deep and so high , like an army themselves could not break it through . I put the great wall of China to shame and , looking back on that time in my life , there had been a lot of hurt and there had been a lot of pain and there had been a lot of toxicity , and relationships terrified the crap out of me , and getting hurt again terrified the crap out of me and I had just been through another tumultuous breakup and my heart just could not take anymore and I had completely , completely shut myself down and I didn't realize it at the time that it was happening . But when I look back now , there were so many signs that I had closed myself off completely and it wasn't because , again , I wasn't because I was trying to be a bad person , it wasn't because I was vengeful . It was because I was literally terrified of being hurt and bullied and emotionally abused again . And that is a very real response . Right when we've been through trauma , it's very , very real that we shut down from ever experiencing it ever again . It's a defense mechanism and it's served me . It's served me for a long time while I was healing , because I think I needed to be on my own for a long period of time to undo and unravel the stories and the experiences and what I made them mean about me and really start to create new beliefs around who I was and what I deserved in terms of relationship .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 3:22

So when it was happening at the time , I didn't really know . I mean , I felt like I was like I hands up , like no , like stay away from me . I felt that way , but I didn't realize on a deeper level what I was actually doing . And it's funny because I used to love to dance . Dance was my outlet . It was like my I'm not gonna say my greatest love , but it was probably second or third . You know what I mean Like it was just where I got all my mojo and my joy and my enthusiasm and , you know , inspiration , like it was just such a big part of my life for that time , for a long period of time actually , and I got so much healing and peace through it .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 4:15

But I also got a lot of heartache and you know this last time was no exception , right , painful , painful , breakup , just horrendous . Story of you know just this extreme like of toxic relationships . This was probably the most extreme , just absolutely painful to be in , painful to break away from , like it was just it was the undoing , it was literally the undoing . And I remember , after having gone through this experience of having ended this relationship , and just all the anger and the hatred and the hurt that was just pulsating through my veins at the time . And I remember I had taken some time off to kind of move through the experience and what was happening and what I was really feeling , because I was already well on my way to my healing journey , believe it or not , but there were still some lessons to be learned . So you know I was available for it , here I was , and you know , having come out of this and you know I started to feel better and started to get out there again and , you know , started , you know , enjoying life and socializing and doing all the things I used to do .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 5:28

I remember going out to dance again and there was a friend of mine who we would always dance together Probably one of the closest people that I had in the dance circuit I think that I got along really well with . It was always just very like easy and relaxed , just being together and dancing together and talking and , you know , having a good time . So if anything , I probably would have felt the safest with him , but I didn't . And I remember him saying to me we were dancing on the dance floor for a few minutes and I remember him stopping and looking at me . He's like what happened ? And I'm like I don't know what you're talking about . Like what do you mean ? He's like what's wrong ? Like why ? Like he just looked at me . Like why are ? Like he didn't ? He didn't actually come out and say it , but what he was basically saying is why are you so shut off ? Like where are you ? Like you're not even here .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 6:26

He's like like you could tell he was shocked at how rigid I was on the floor compared to how I would usually be , and that's when it kind of hit me like yo , this is a lot more damage than I realized . And you know , I left that night and I went home and I cried myself to sleep because I thought I can't even dance anymore . Like this has taken , this has robbed me of all my joy , and I remember crying myself to sleep that night and I don't think everyone went back to dance again after that because I just felt like I can't do this anymore , like I can't open myself up like that . It just feels too scary , it feels dangerous , it feels like I felt like I was this moving target and I just felt like I needed to just hide away and protect myself . And so that's what I did , right .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 7:20

And after that experience of that night you know that's what slowly unraveled in the weeks and months that followed I was terrified of that hurt and that pain happening again . I was terrified of being bullied again . I was terrified of being emotionally abused again . I was terrified of losing myself in someone else's energy and being sucked up by it and disappearing in it completely , literally losing sight of who I am right , which is what often would happen . These relationships would come in so fast and furious and they would just be this like all engulfing energy , and I would just give into that energy and I would give my power away completely and I would lose myself completely in these relationships and I didn't want that to happen again . I didn't wanna feel that hurt , I didn't wanna feel that pain , so I put up walls . I thought there were healthy boundaries to keep the toxic relationships out .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 8:27

But what I learned over a very long period of time of doing the work was these were not healthy boundaries at all , but these were actually walls where I was afraid to open my heart to anybody . I was afraid to let love in Love for me felt so , so , so dangerous . It was like opening a Pandora's box where I could get hurt and bullied and manipulated and coerced again , just like I had experienced all those times before . And the scariest thing in the world to me was opening myself back up to love and being available for love and love . Feeling safe and it still , to this day , gives me a bit of anxiety sometimes and I have to breathe through it and remind myself that it's okay and that it's safe . Right , it has taken time to do this work and I think this has probably taken more time than anything is allowing myself to feel safe , to love again , to open myself up again , to feel vulnerable again , right ?

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 9:37

So when I was going through this period where I was completely closed off and shut down right and I had all these walls up , I was emotionally unavailable . I thought I was out there looking for a relationship , but I wasn't . I was actually completely emotionally unavailable . I would show up , I would meet people , I would think I was doing all the right things , saying all the right things and sending all the right messages , but there was this energetic wall of stay away from me , I do not want to get too close to you , right ? And so what ended up manifesting from that is I was attracting a lot of people that were mirroring this energy back to me , this standoffish stay away from me , don't get too close , I don't want to get too involved , I don't want to get too attached . You stay there , I'll stay here , I'm one foot in , one foot out , because that's what energy I was in and I wasn't seeing it . I was completely oblivious to it , and so all this did was cause more pain , because , emotionally , I wanted to be in these relationships and a relationship was what I wanted , but energetically I was saying something totally different . I was saying stay the fuck away . You stay on your side of the sidewalk , I will stay on my side of the sidewalk . We'll all get along just fine if we each stay at our own side .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 10:56

And so this inevitably ended up causing more pain and loss and relationships down the drain , because I was completely emotionally unavailable . And that was the message that I was sending . I was always sending the message like , buddy , I am one foot in , one foot out . One false move and I'm out . You know and I think my last partner really kind of said that to me Like I feel like you , I can't , I don't know what to expect from you , like I feel like you're always just ready to like dash right At the slightest thing . And I was , I absolutely was , and I could not see it , but that was the only way that I could feel safe right At the time . So I forgive myself . I forgive myself because that was the best that I could do in that moment after what I experienced and had been through .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 11:44

But now , looking back , you know what I realized is these walls that I had put up to protect myself were only causing me more pain and grief and loss . They weren't keeping me safe at all and , if anything , they were keeping everything that I wanted so deeply and desired so much away from me , because they were keeping me one foot in , one foot out , emotionally detached , hand up , stay away , stay on your side , and that is not what I wanted at all . What I wanted was a really close , intimate relationship , and when I tell you that this started to cascade into all areas of my life , my friendships , my partners , probably impacted my family relationships , although those seem to bounce back pretty quick , we got that kind of , you know , figured out work relationships , business relationships , all impacted by this fear of being vulnerable , of putting myself out there , of opening myself up to receive , for fear of being hurt and disappointed . The fear was so real and , like I said , it was cascading to all these different areas of my life . I even think that it had a lot to do with , I mean , yeah , I put on a lot of weight because of COVID and my dad being in the hospital and you know , just , you know , being in your 40s , things just don't work the same way anymore .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 13:19

Yes , however , I do believe a lot of that was through holding on to grief and sadness and self-protection , and so , you know , moving through this period where I was , I felt so unsafe to open up to receive all the good , all the . I was so afraid to open myself to receive things that would hurt me . I stopped receiving things that I wanted and truly desired and were basically like aching for more of you know . So rewiring all this took so much work and time Because I really did need to open myself up to receiving again . I needed to open myself up to feeling love again , to being loved again , to feeling vulnerable and intimate again , not just with partners , but with friends and co-workers and business partners and whatever .

Opening Up to Vulnerability and Connection

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 14:24

You know that real vulnerable authenticity . That's where we form connection and without that ability to be fully seen , to be vulnerable , to be witnessed , to be felt , heard in every way , we'll only ever create serviceable relationships . And that is not how we create the life that we want to live . We create the life that we want to live by having deep , meaningful connections with people , deep meaningful conversations , really opening ourselves up to receive love , support , companionship . You know , all those things that we long for . That is all an intimacy and connection , all the things that can't be built when we've got these walls up , and I really , really wanted those things and if you're listening to this podcast , I bet you right now , your heart is aching for those things . You are praying , you are doing the work and you're wondering why it's not showing up . It's because you've got these walls up , or chances are you've probably got these walls up because you've been through pain , you've been through hurt .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 17:29

You don't want to go down that road again . You don't want to feel that again . You know what that felt like . You've ingrained it in the back of your mind . What it felt like . You know full well what it felt like . You can still remember and taste the pain in your mouth today , and the last place you want to be is back there . But I'm telling you , until you can shift your perspective and tell yourself that even if I had to feel that pain again , I would be okay , I would be safe , I would figure it out , I would get through that , just like I got through the last one , and I would come through it better and stronger . And yes , damn it , I am willing to risk that pain again in order to feel love , to express love , to invite love , to invite connection and intimacy and all those beautiful things that I long for Support , companionship , friendship , conversation .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 18:26

You've got to open yourself back up to that and do so periodically , right ? You don't want to do too much too fast , because you can actually re-traumatize yourself again . Please don't go down that road . Do it in baby steps , little ways . Start putting yourself out there . Start opening up with people where you feel safe . Opening up . Start being a little bit more and more vulnerable in your conversations and in your interactions with people . Let your real self be seen . Put your walls down . Put your vices down , put your personas down , all the things down that you've been using to shield yourself , to put this image forward , to portray this stronger , untouchable version of you that you know isn't the real you , because deep down , you're vulnerable and you just want to be held . You don't want to be this .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 19:21

You know powerhouse who can do it all on her own . Yeah , you probably can do it all on your own . I can do it all on my own too . There's nothing to stop us from doing it all on our own . But just because we can do everything on our own doesn't mean we need to be alone . We can still do all the things . We can still be amazing powerhouse women . We can still have all the confidence in the world . But if what you desire in your heart is a relationship , right then you need to show up as that version of you who wants the relationship , who wants to be intimate , who wants to have intimate conversation , who wants to let her guards down , who wants to let her vulnerability be seen . And I will say that , you know , going through this journey , there's a couple pieces of advice that I would give you , and there is , you know , a couple of journal prompts that I can give you to kind of help get you into the vibe right . But I will say this there is light at the end of the tunnel when you do this work .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 20:36

You know I , you know like I , like , I , I've , I've shared before . You know I went from a , you know , attracting these emotionally talk , these toxic relationships , emotionally abusive relationships , to the emotionally unavailable relationship , because I was emotionally unavailable to completely taking a relationship hiatus and being available for no one , to now being in a position where I am okay to start to open up . Yeah , it's still taking a bit of practice and you know I kind of tiptoe my way through it , but it's getting easier . Every day gets a little bit easier and every day , I meet more and more people who are loving , who are attentive , who are supportive , who show up for me when I need them to right , who are willing to be there for me , to to , to , to , to lean on , to be a shoulder , to cry on , to talk to , to laugh with . You know Friends , partners , coworkers , family , people who make me feel safe and loved , no matter what is happening around me , and even sometimes who remind me to say hey , I know you're a little afraid , but I'm telling you it's safe to be here with me because they know where I'm coming from and they know my mindset and they're available to show up and support me through that and that for me . I mean . I've got tears in my eyes right now because I never thought that day would come . For the longest time I thought I never thought that day would come , and so nothing in this world makes me more grateful than knowing that this is what I get to experience as a result of the work that I've done , and so what I want to share with you right now is the tips and techniques that have helped me to shift that Okay .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 22:34

So , as far as tips go , number one , I want you to start opening yourself back up again . I want you to do it very slowly , okay , if you've been through some intense trauma and emotionally abusive relationships , it would not be a bad idea for you to consider working with a therapist on this . You know , because , like I said last week , sometimes the trauma is really deep . We have to do really deep work . It benefits you to get some support in doing that deeper work . Okay , so actually that's number one . See what kind of support you need and make sure that you get it . Number one . Number two I want you to start to open up and really show up as your true , authentic self more and more in your relationship .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 23:17

Now use the toe test method for this . Okay , share a little bit , put it on comfortable . Pull a little back . Share a little bit more . It's going to feel more uncomfortable . Pull a little back , share a little bit more . Pull back . You get the idea right . And so every time you're pushing and you're stretching yourself to share just a little bit more of yourself , a little bit more of your truth , a little bit more about what you're feeling , what you're experiencing , what you're thinking , what you're afraid of , right , start to let yourself be fully seen and witnessed by the people around you .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 23:49

And actually , number three consciously be aware of who's safe around you , who's not safe and who you kind of got a question mark over , and that's not to say that those question marks aren't safe , but maybe those relationships might take a little bit time . Who do you feel safe around today ? And maybe share what you're doing with them , maybe share what your focus is , what you're working on right now , and maybe they can support you as well . Don't attach to them supporting you , because each person makes their decision to support you in whatever way you know feels right to them . But to let them know , hey , I know I have this challenge that I'm working on and here's what I'm trying to do and show up more , as in my life and in my relationships , and I would love your support in that . And then you know what . Let's see what they say . You know , see how they can support you or how , how willing they are or what they feel is aligned for them in terms of support .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 24:48

You know it'll be different for everyone and then again , challenge yourself share more , be more honest , be more vulnerable , be more seen , let those guards down , okay , and really not just share from your heart , but listen with your heart . That's what's going to create that energetic exchange , to create really meaningful connections with people . So , when people are speaking , really listen . Don't have your back up against the wall , thinking , oh my god , what am I going to say next to protect myself ? Or what can I say next in order to come up , come out on top or whatever you're thinking in your head . Really listen and feel what the person is saying and then feel your response back . And this is how we practice having like really meaningful conversations with people , or at least this is what worked for me . I felt what I wanted to say and I felt what they were saying to me .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 25:40

Okay , and this requires you to be very mindful , very present , not in your head worrying about oh my god , how do I respond ? How do I , how do I gain the upper hand ? What do I say to make sure that my boundaries are upheld ? What you gotta ? You gotta tone that down . I know it feels scary that you have to challenge yourself to tone that conversation in your head down a little bit , and so that is the practical right . That's what you , that's what you can do with your relationships in your reality .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 26:09

Here are some prompts that you can journal on or some rituals that you can practice to open yourself up again . So , again , going back to what I said before , where is love already readily available , where it feels safe , and how can you spend more time in those with those people , places and things where you feel the love is already readily available , it feels good to be around it , it reminds you that love is safe , and just keep reaffirming yeah , I got this . Okay , yeah , love is safe , love is safe , this feels good . I like the way this feels . I feel safe here , I feel supported here , I feel comforted here , and just keep focusing on and spending as much time there as you can . Then I want you to open yourself up to receive more and appreciate that love . So when you're in those spaces right again , using the listening and speaking from your heart method , really learning how to give and receive more love , and when you feel that energy of love start to flow back and forth , really be aware of it . I can feel it . I can feel the love . I can feel the love in this exchange right now and it feels really good and I'm really appreciative of this . You know , I love the way this feels . This feels great and just keep leaning into that feeling and keep acknowledging that feeling and how good that feeling feels .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 27:25

I want you to write down looking at these , using these relationships as your example , the ones you've already experienced that feel very safe and very comforting and very good to be around . I want you to write down all the ways that love feels available and safe to you , right , and how much all the other good feelings that you get as a result of being around these relationships . You know I love being around these relationships . You know I feel safe with them and they always feel so reciprocated and I feel like I could say anything and I feel like , you know , these people have my back and they may not always say the right things and or respond in the way that I want them to , but I know they genuinely have my best interest at heart and that feels really great , you know . And then just keep focusing on that and then keep opening up though . You know , keep putting yourself in situations and journaling on the exchange so that you can open yourself up to receiving more and allowing more . Right , that's how we kind of open the channel . And then I want you to focus on when do you feel immense love , and of the purest kind .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 28:37

Now , if you're not a fur baby mama , you might not understand this , but you know , if you have a child , if you have a fur baby

Unconditional Love and Sending Love

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 28:45

or anything that you can give unconditional devotional love to , this is your . I mean , I gave so much love to my dog . I would open myself up and give her so much love , energy , and just feel that energy in my heart just swelling and swelling , and swelling . And I would see her wagging her tail when I came in and , you know , putting her little paws on my knee to try and reach up and and and sneak a kiss , and I would just , I would just see her face light up and her eyes pop out every time she saw me and getting all excited , and I would just , I would just focus on that image in my mind and my heart would swell with love , and then I would see that love start to expand and expand , and expand , and expand and I would keep expanding and I would keep expanding and then I would just appreciate , right , so that's kind of like a devotional practice , right , where you take what you're already like love , that you're already feeling some love , and just keep expanding right , even even a spiritual practice , like , if you're a religious person , right , if you , you know whatever you believe in , if you believe in God , if you believe in other deities , if you , you know whatever your religion , if there is a spiritual guide or figure that you lean towards for support , you know giving that spiritual persona your love and using that as a devotional practice . That is so powerful and that's something that I often did and started doing in the morning .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 30:22

Right Is imagine connecting with a higher power and feeling the love from this higher power and sending my love to this higher power and feeling this flow back and forth and opening up these channels of connection and receiving and love and support and guidance was a real life changer for me and really helped me to feel safe because , from what I believe and you know , take what resonates and leave the rest . I do believe that God is everywhere and is omnipresent and is in all people , places and things , and I think that when we love God , we love each other and when God loves us , it's through his love that we love one another and I think that when we open ourselves up to exchange this love with God , he then returns the love in the people , places and things around us . Right , that's how he channels his love to us . So I I that's what I believe take it or leave it , but it's an amazing and powerful exercise . If you do believe and you want to give it a shot . I mean it was life changing for me and I still do it to this day . But try that on and see how it goes .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 31:30

And then and this is another powerful practice is where is your love needed ? Where you can send it , and guys like listen , you can send it anywhere in the world that you want . If there is something going on that is breaking your heart , send your love . If you see something on the news that breaks your heart , makes you sad , makes you feel loss or grief , sends your love . If there is a loved one who's struggling and you have no idea how to help them , send them your love If they're .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 32:00

If there's somebody in your past that you know was toxic , but you know was toxic because they had their fair share and they maybe they weren't that equipped to deal with with what their fair share brought them and so they became toxic , to protect themselves and them love , do not pick up the phone and call them . Let's not , let's not go down that road , but send them your love . And so you know what I wish you . Well , I wish you all the healing in the world and I hope that one day you will open yourself up to really experience love and leave it there . Do not pick up that fucking phone , do not text , do not creep his profile . Leave it there . Okay , promise , okay .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 32:43

Now , if this sounds like you , if you feel like you are someone who , instead of putting up quote unquote healthy boundaries , actually has walls built up because you are terrified to let yourself be vulnerable , to be hurt , to experience love again , if you are in a pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable partners , and you're ready to finally break that pattern and become a magnet for healthy , loving , supportive and intimate relationships , and send me a DM . Let's have a chat . I will leave the link below . I have a few spots available right now for private coaching . I would love to work with you . That is all for now . If you have any questions on this episode or anything else that you're dying to know , please email me at maria at thefemcoachcom . You just might inspire the next episode of the Femcast , and if there's anything that you're going to be implementing from this episode . Let me know in the comments or wherever you're seeing this . I would love to know what your takeaway from this was and what you plan to do next . All right , you guys , until next time , massive love .