5 REASONS WHY RADICAL SELF-LOVE IS THE KEY TO MAGNETIZING HEALTHY LOVING RELATIONSHIPS

Welcome back to The Femme Cast, where we dive deep into the transformative power of radical self-love and relationships. Today's episode is a game-changer, as we explore the 5 reasons why embracing radical self-love is the key to magnetizing healthy, loving relationships.

But before we unravel these profound insights, let me ask you this: 

1. Have you ever found yourself settling in relationships?
2. Are you constantly prioritizing your partner's needs over your own? 
3. Do you struggle to feel loved and supported in your current relationships? 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you're gonna wanna pay attention. 

In this episode, we journey through my personal evolution, reflecting on the profound impact of radical self-love over the past 10 years. From the challenges of a past relationship, where caregiving led to burnout, to the realization that self-love was the missing ingredient, we explore the transformative power of putting yourself first.

Ready to embark on this journey of self-discovery and magnetic love? Tune in to The Femme Cast now and start rewriting the narrative of your relationships. 

Let's do this. 

Are you ready to create a massive uplevel in your life and relationships? If so, use the link below to book your 90-minute Uplevel + Flow Intensive. This is a powerful 90-minute session where we go deep to energetically shift one relationship pattern you are ready to break free from, so you can magnetize more loving and supportive relationships without the chase...just flow!
https://thefemmecast.com/uplevel-and-flow-intensive

Are you ready to begin your heart healing journey today and manifest the love that you desire? If so, use the link below to register for my Uplevel + Flow Meditation Series . A 3 part series designed to help you heal from heartbreak and manifest love you've always wanted, but never thought you would find.
https://thefemmecast.ck.page/meditations

Are you ready to rewrite your love story + glow from the inside out as you become a magnet for the love you've always known you deserved? If so, use the link below to register for my 21 Day Radical Self-Love Challenge.
https://thefemmecast.ck.page/21daychallenge

Want more daily inspiration an tips on how you can uplevel your relationships and your life through the art of radical self-love? If so, use the link below to con...

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:32

Hey you guys, what is up and welcome back to the show. I am so excited and grateful to have you here. It has been a minute since I've done a recording. It took me a while to get my voice back proper. After COVID I just kept sounding congested for like what felt like an eternity. But and we had the radical self love 21 day challenge, which was absolutely amazing. So we did the live version on my Instagram in the last three weeks. If you didn't get a chance to tune in for that, you can still grab it and have it sent right to your inbox.

Speaker 1: 1:08

The details are all below this episode, so, without further ado, today kind of came as an inspiration, just kind of reflecting on the last three weeks of the 21 day radical self love challenge and also reflecting on the fact that my 50th birthday is coming up. You guys, what the fuck? How did that even happen? I don't even know where the time went, but we've been in conversation with family and friends trying to plan my 50th and trying to figure out what we're gonna do Nothing big or major, but just kind of getting everyone together to celebrate right. And I was reflecting like, wow, it's been 10 years that I've been on this crazy ass journey and then I was reflecting back on, like through my 40s and my 30s and there's such a pattern there Like it's so crazy when I think about it. So I probably spent the greater part like. I spent my 20s looking for Mr Right, I spent my 30s trying to make it work with Mr Wrong and then I spent my 40s trying to undo all the emotional damage that I sustained the previous two decades. So that covers my 20s, my 30s and my 40s. My 50s, I dare you, I cannot be fucked with. And I'm coming into 50 with that attitude. Not fuckable, just cannot be fucked with. But yeah, no, very interesting. It literally each went to Kedekke you guys Talk about like I'm Sametaurus, right, my birthday's coming up, my birthday's coming up, and to April, we don't quit, we just don't. Like you can give me like all the red flags in the world past tense, right. This was like in my old days, you could give me all the red flags and I would still charge at it like a fucking bowl. I sent my friend who's also a Taurus, by the way he's amazing. You probably've seen him on my socials but I sent him a meme with like all like the red flags, right, and it's like I don't know which country this is, but I know I've dated guys from that country before. It's so true, but anyways, okay, so sorry, I digress Today's.

Speaker 1: 3:31

The four reasons why radical self-love is the key to magnetizing healthy, loving relationships. This is basically this is my life's work. You guys Like I don't keep like talking about this shit because you know I think it's fun. It is, it is fun, but like literally, like I've spent like the last like 30 years really mastering some of these skills, tips and techniques that I share with you guys, and I've done it all wrong for so long and it took me so long to actually start to learn how to do things right. So everything that I'm sharing with you comes from a space of what I've learned, what I've experienced, what I've felt, what I've struggled with. There is no like nothing here. There's no fluff here. Like I give it to you as it is right and that, and I will always tell you guys too, like, take what resonates and leave the rest. Not everything I say will be for you and that's totally okay. So please bear that in mind and anytime you're listening to anybody, please take it with a great assault. Take what applies, leave the rest all right. Okay, so this episode is totally for you If you're not feeling loved or supported in your relationships, if you're not feeling the love in your current relationship, if you're struggling to call in or magnetize loving and supportive relationships, or self-confidence has just been a struggle for you, when you're constantly prioritizing your partner's needs above your own in the hopes that they will one day do the same.

Speaker 1: 5:09

We all know how that story goes. You guys Been there, done that, don't wanna go back. Okay, so we're gonna backtrack just a little bit, right, many, many years ago, I was in a long-term relationship and at the time we were what I thought, but we weren't. I was, I thought, we were very devoted to one another. I was very devoted to him. I don't think he was as devoted to me as I was to him, to be flat out honest. But literally, when I tell you that the son came up, what's that saying? The son came up and sat with this guy, like, literally, this man was my life and I would have trusted him. I would have trusted him with my life actually. So when things went sour, I was shocked. But before we even got there, before we even get to that part of the story.

Speaker 1: 6:07

There was one period where he got really sick and he was under some very intensive treatment and was going through like to say the word difficult time is an understatement. It was a very difficult time for him emotionally. It was a difficult time for him physically. It was a difficult time for him mentally and when I look back and I think to what we were going to in that time, he didn't even have the strength to open up a bottle of water on his own for a long period of time. It was very hard and to see someone that you love kind of in that state anybody would want to take care of their loved one when you see them in that kind of situation.

Speaker 1: 6:59

The problem there was I was putting all my energy and focus into taking care of him. I wasn't taking care of myself at all. I was going to work at like five o'clock in the morning and working until like 12. So I was putting in a full day before lunch and then I would come home, take care of him and then go back on the laptop towards the end of the day to just answer emails that came in before five and take address anything else that needed to be addressed before the end of the day. So like I was just running myself ragged trying to take care of him, and not resentfully and not with any like I was happy to do this.

Speaker 1: 7:47

The problem was is that I started to struggle. I wasn't sleeping, my joints were hurting, I was putting on weight, I was struggling with inflammation, I was dergied with migraines. I was feeling so run down and burnt out, trying to be a full time caregiver and a full time employee at the time and still trying to take care of our home and do the normal things that I normally did and spend time with family. I was in extreme burnout, but I obviously didn't want to show him that I was in extreme burnout because he was going through so much and I wanted him to believe that I was fine and that he didn't have to feel like he was burdening me in any way, because I really did not want that. That was the last thing in the world that I wanted. Lo and behold, you know he got better and we came out of that period and we were obviously like super grateful and really just counting our blessings that he got through that and was able to kind of come out on the other side and it was a really good feeling and it was a feeling of, okay, let's start our lives now, let's put all that behind us and let's start from scratch.

Speaker 1: 9:07

And we had issues in our relationships long before that happened to the point where it almost you know, it almost ruined the relationship. I think in a way this situation with his health sort of saved us for a little while longer. It sort of prolonged the relationship. It kind of kept the lifeline going, you know, because I wanted to take care of him in his time of need. But as the sickness kind of faded into the background and, you know, life started to go back to normal, I realized the problems that were there before the sickness were still there, like we were still wildly disconnected. I was still feeling completely rejected and unloved and unsupported in any way. We were totally distant. We had zero intimacy in our relationship and I mean mentally, emotionally, physically, like in every possible way. We were like two strangers basically living side by side, or we're like two roommates, you know, and I do believe he saw how, I do believe he witnessed how much I did for him while he was sick. I don't when I think back to the time after, it was almost like it almost felt like it just got swept under the rug. Okay, yeah, thank you, I appreciate everything that you did for me. I'm going to go home with my life now and continue.

Speaker 1: 10:41

You know the way we used to do things before, which was not healthy at all and wasn't happy, certainly wasn't the kind of you know relationship that either I don't think you know either one of us really wanted. At the end of the day, it was very distant and very unfulfilling. And you know, I felt myself in this situation where, you know, as a people pleaser and as an overgiver. Oh, maybe I'm, maybe you know, maybe now that he's better, maybe I'm not giving enough, maybe I need to give more. So I continued to try to give in the hopes that he would one day realize how much I, how much I do give to him and to the relationship. But the more I gave, it was like the more I gave, the more rejected and unloved and unsupported I felt.

Speaker 1: 11:30

And then that's when the resentment started to kick in. Y'all like full on resentment, because now I'm not only now, it's like. Now it's like all the resentment before the sickness is coming back. Plus, now I'm like resentful that I just spent the last year or two years of my life caring for somebody who, I'm realizing, probably wouldn't do the same for me if I ever needed that he flat outside it one day. And you know, and now it's just this pool of boiling pot of resentment just starts emerging into my energy, like it was. I mean, I could feel it, it was. I couldn't even stand to be around myself at this point.

Speaker 1: 12:17

There was so much resentment kicking up from beneath the surface and I'm pretty sure you know people around us probably starting to notice it too because I was just so angry. I was angry, I was done, I was fed up. I was done with feeling the rejection, feeling unloved, feeling unsupported. I was done with everything that I'd given and not receiving in return and basically made to feel like, yeah, thank you for everything that you did, but please don't ever expect that from me kind of an attitude. And there was a lot of hurt. There was a lot of hurt. I mean, there was a lot of other things that were going on, aside from everything that we're talking about here. But you know, when I look back at how awful that felt and how empty that felt, like I think that was probably one of my lowest moments, you know, to know that we've gotten through something so difficult, so trying, and on the other end we're still so wildly disconnected, like it was crazy. But you know, in this circumstance, you know there really was a blessing and this was the beginning of my undoing.

Speaker 1: 13:31

Really, it started. You started to see the effects, the long-term effects, y'all, because this has been going on for a long time. You were starting to see the effects of what my not loving myself at all and my constant self-abandoning was doing to me. And not only that. Not only was it doing to me like to my own mental, physical, emotional body, but it was also being mirrored back to me in the relationships around me. Right, I strongly believe if you've ever worked with me, you know we do a lot of this work on relationship mirrors and what your relationships are mirroring to you and how that's reflective of your internal relationship.

Speaker 1: 14:16

My relationships were basically showing me that you know I wasn't taking care of me, so my relationships weren't taking. If I'm not taking care of myself, my relationships aren't going to take care of me. If I'm not supporting myself, my relationships aren't going to support me If I am like full on rejecting myself, my relationships are going to reject me. And that's basically what this relationship was showing me. It was showing me all the ways that I was self-abandoning, self-rejecting and not loving myself, and that's why I was feeling like that in this relationship. And so my resentment and my anger although, yeah, you know what, in many respects probably justifiable, in many ways not but at the end of the day it was a waste, because what the reality was is that I needed to change how I loved and showed up for myself.

Speaker 1: 15:12

And so literally spending the last 10 years like trying to like what's the word? I'm like mastery, matter of mastery is the word I want to use here. I don't know, I'm probably as close to mastery as I can provide, that I've probably gotten but literally trying to perfect this radical self-love experience that I've cultivated and learning the ins and outs and how it's applicable in all of these different relationship types and how it can transform a relationship. And so I needed to love and take care of myself first, and this went against everything as a people pleaser, as a caregiver, as a co-dependent right. Putting taking care of myself, loving myself and putting myself in my needs first went against everything I believed in, and so that's why it probably took me so long to really master the art of doing that right.

Speaker 1: 16:30

And again, I say mastery because I've learned a lot of techniques along the way to help me to do this, but that's not to say that I do it a hundred percent at the time. I guess that's a distinction that I want to make. I still fall back into old patterns sometimes, and it's one of these things where it's like I'm aware of it, I'm present with it, I know that it's there and I manage it to the best of my abilities. I guess that's the best way to put it right. So to me that is mastery, because we're never going to be a hundred percent perfect a hundred percent of the time, like we always. Just, we're always just doing the best that we can. But I have learned what works and what doesn't for me, and that's a lot of what I share with you guys on an ongoing basis. So on an ongoing basis, god, one day I'm going to get an editor, so you guys won't hear all these little bloopers that I put out there, but anyway.

Speaker 1: 17:25

So this work took me ten years, literally ten years of mastering the art of radical self-love so that I could finally start to attract healthy, loving and supportive relationships into my life. Okay, and obviously you know anyone of my podcasts. Come to my Instagram, take the 21-day challenge, like so much information is there for you if you want to dive into what this radical self-love, you know, actually looks like. Right, but the benefits I want to talk about the benefits. So if you're somebody who's really struggling to put yourself first, or you don't think self-love is that important, or maybe you do think it's important but you're thinking, hmm, yeah, but I'll do it later, don't? Maybe that's what I should have started with? Gosh, darn it, I need to rework that somehow. I probably won't be able to, but anyway, that was my elbow, sorry.

Speaker 1: 18:21

So, number one it sets the tone for how others will treat you. Okay, when you are mastering the art of radical self-love and putting yourself first and meeting your needs and making sure that you are taking care of and that you have everything that you need and that you're really, truly and I mean truly loving and accepting yourself, and that means even the stuff that maybe you don't like that much. That is setting the tone for how others are going to treat you Because, again, you know, your relationships are always a mirror reflection for the relationship that you have with yourself. So, when you are loving yourself, when you are supporting yourself, when you are making your needs a priority, when you are loving yourself unconditionally, even though, honey, you know, at 50, parts of your body start to look a lot different than they did when you were in your 20s, okay, things start to move, things shift, things are in places they weren't before and aren't in places that they were.

Speaker 1: 19:30

Okay, life happens. There's uncomfortable emotions we don't want to deal with. There's crookie traits that we wish nobody knew about. There's those little, like you know, character flaws that we try so desperately to hide. You got to love all of it. All of it, even if you don't like it, you have to love and accept it.

Speaker 1: 19:56

You may not like it I don't like my saddlebags, I don't like my menopausal belly but I accept it. Why? Because I'm a woman who's moved through life, and you know what? Yes, as uncomfortable as it might be, I do think I can be in my body and practice feeling comfortable, and practice feeling forgiveness, and practice feeling acceptance, right. And so, again, this sets the tone for how others will treat you Right. So in doing so, you know, other people have become.

Speaker 1: 20:41

I've attracted people who are much more supportive into my space. I've attracted people who do care about what I need or how I'm feeling or what my thoughts are, what my insecurities are, you know, and who do appreciate me for who and how I am and don't try and change me in any way, right, which has always been the story for me. You know, even with like, not just with partners, but like friendships, co-workers, everything you name it you know there's always been like this era of yeah, you know, we just wish we were a little less worky, I don't know how to put it, but anyway, you know what I mean, right? And so it's really nice to come into this space where you feel like people are loving you and accepting you for you, and that all happens because you've loved and accepted you for you and not for who you think you need to be. That is so powerful, that is such a powerful space to be in, and I'll tell you, it's kind of.

Speaker 1: 21:36

It sets the tone for number two, which is you set a higher standard for what you will and won't tolerate in your relationship. So, coming into the space where you fully love and accept yourself. You're not willing to settle for the breadcrumbs you've been settling for before. You're just not available for it. You don't have the time, you don't have the patience, you don't have the energy and you know that you freaking deserve better. So you're no longer willing to settle for those scraps right, when you settle, it's because you really don't believe that you can do better, that you're worthy of better. But when you love yourself fully and completely and you've prioritized yourself and your needs and your relationship has started to show up for you, you have no desire to show up for the ones that don't. You have zero desire to show up for the ones that are trying to change you or make you into something that you're not. You definitely don't have the desire to show up for someone who's emotionally unavailable or toxic or whatever.

Speaker 1: 22:33

Right Situationships and all that nonsense. Zero, zero, tolerance, zero. Because you've. You've now raised your standard of what you're going to accept in your relationships and you can't go backwards. Once you see your worth, you cannot go back. You can't go back to settling for what you settled for before, and that is the beauty of this work.

Speaker 1: 22:56

Number three is it makes you more magnetic and attracting to loving relationships. I have to tell you, when you walk around in this energy of knowing yourself and loving yourself and accepting yourself as you are, you'd be amazed at the random ways and places you will meet people who mirror that love and acceptance back to you. You no longer have to go looking for them. They kind of come find you. Okay, fine, you have to leave your apartment. You can't just stay in your apartment all the time, actually, you can't. My friend met her partner. My friend's partner knocked on her door when she was looking for a roommate. So you can do that, and I posted that stories up on my podcast. So check that out. So that's number three. And number four is it makes you it makes you less likely to settle, even while you're waiting.

Speaker 1: 23:42

Okay, so this is really important because this is where a lot of us get into trouble. Right, we're waiting. We're waiting for Mr Ray, or we're waiting for something. We're waiting to meet the right soul-aligned friendships, or we're waiting to meet the soul-aligned partner, or we're waiting for the soul-aligned job, right, whatever it is that we're waiting for and we're we're to say, waiting. I don't like to use the term waiting, because waiting implies that we're kind of doing nothing, waiting for the thing to come in. But that's not what we're doing. We're still going on and we're living our best life and you know we're loving upon ourselves and prioritizing what we need.

Speaker 1: 26:43

And until this thing comes in, pasself might have said, okay, well, he's not here, I'll pass the time with this guy until he does show up. And that never works out well, ever. So unless somebody shows up with some potential of, yeah, this could be the one, or you know at the very least. I'm not sure, but I love how this feels and I'm gonna continue to see where this goes Beyond that not available, you're not. You're not available for settling for, for something just to pass the time until what you want actually shows up. You know you're gonna go on and you're gonna live your best life because you believe it's gonna show up for you and it's gonna show up in divine timing.

Speaker 1: 27:36

And until then you do not need to lower your standards to be with someone that you don't really want to be with until the person you do want to be with shows up. Now, that's not to say that you can again, it's not say that you can't date and explore, but as a minimum, you know, if we're talking about dating which it seems to be that we seem to keep going back to, let's say, for example, dating you know you may meet someone and they may tell you you know, let's say at the very minimum, yeah, they are interested in trying to find a relationship, they're wanting to get to know someone and explore possibilities and you have a good feeling about this person. That's a green light, right? May take you some time to figure out whether or not they are your person. You may need to. You know you still may need to date a few people to figure out who your person is.

Speaker 1: 28:25

But you're not gonna waste your time with the dude that says, yeah, I know I'm totally not interested in you, but I really love those type. Hands on you, okay, bye, or you may, right, but you're not gonna get attached to it. You know what I mean. There's a difference. Maybe you know hookups are different thing, right? Maybe you'll hook up with the guy, maybe you'll hook up with another guy, but you're never gonna attach to them to pass time with them because it's not what you want. Do you know what I mean? So you're not gonna settle for that casual situation when what you want is a relationship is, I guess, what I'm trying to say. So all that to say, you know, coming into this work of radical self-love has not only transformed how I feel about myself, but it really has transformed all of my relationships, okay, and it has transformed the types of relationships that I start to attract.

Speaker 1: 29:28

And my last and final note here, my last benefit to doing this work you become so wildly repellent to anything that is toxic, because a toxic partner, especially one who has kind of like narcissistic tendencies, does not want to be around. I will trigger the crap out of a narcissist within minutes of being like on the phone with him or being in a room with him or exchanging text messages with him. He will not, he just won't like my vibe, like at all. I am a narcissist. I'm proud to say that I am a narcissist deterrent now, because I trigger the crap out of them because they do not want somebody who's has a strong foundation in self-love, because it totally messes with their game of being able to use your lack of self-worth against you. So they don't want anything to do with you. Right?

Speaker 1: 30:38

And this was actually really harder for us because, you know, I did attract a lot of narcissistic type partners and I was almost drawn to them because you know it totally took the people pleaser in me to this place of, you know, undying love, which wasn't love actually, it was quite toxic but anyway. And so you know I would meet these people, I would be totally drawn to them because I would be drawn to their. You know, there was, there was that trigger. It's like a trigger attraction, right. It's almost like a like a, it's like a karmic bond, it's a trauma bond, right.

Speaker 1: 31:16

And so you get really attracted to them and then you like, you see that they're being really put off by you and you're like, oh my god, when am I doing wrong? I'm loving myself, I'm doing all the things. Why don't they love me? They don't love you because you are starting to love yourself and that's not what they need. That's that won't, that will not satisfy their narcissistic supply. What satisfies their narcissistic supply? The narcissistic supply, is somebody with very co-dependent tendencies and somebody who really struggles to really value themselves and love themselves completely. So the journey to getting there was really hard. It was very triggering actually, because it took me a minute to realize, oh, that's what's going on. They're just unhealthy partners, and my work for showing up for myself and being unconditionally loving and accepting and taking care of my needs and making myself a priority does not align with what their relationship goals are, which is to control somebody with their fear of abandonment and rejection. Okay, so there you go. These are life-changing you guys, and you don't even realize when it's happening.

Speaker 1: 32:36

It's so subtle at first, and then you I like I think I had a moment the last time I dated some guy online and I'm not a fan of online dating. I think I need to do an episode on online dating itself. But you know, the last time I dated a guy online and I remember feeling so devastated when that date was over because it was like he didn't even give me a chance, right, and I couldn't figure out why, and it took me a minute. And then I was like, oh, wait a second, because I started to recognize there was characteristics in him that reminded me of my ex-partners. But of course, you know, in the beginning you ignore a lot of the flags.

Speaker 1: 33:20

I did see a lot of the red flags and then it dawned on me that you know, I was doing this work to avoid being those kinds of relationships again, and I think there's this, there's this place of denial that we go into, where it's like we think that if we love ourselves, if we do the work and if we show up for ourselves, you know everyone's gonna treat us nicer. Yes, but the reality is some people are just really toxic and that's their journey and who's to say which is. You know whether what they're doing is right or wrong and maybe they'll heal their stuff in their own time. But the point is, is that just because you like someone doesn't mean that they're the partner for you? And sometimes they are very toxic and practicing radical self-love, and some of the techniques that I teach you, you know, in my work, is that it's going to probably come off as unattractive to somebody who has these types of tendencies, and that's just something that you need to accept. And it's a little. It feels a little off-putting at first because it does trigger your abandonment wound a little bit and you're in your rejection.

Speaker 1: 34:36

But you know what, at the end of the day, once you really start to master and this is where I say master once you really start to master this radical self-love work, it doesn't matter anymore if somebody doesn't like you or rejects you or abandons you, because you know. You know who you are is enough and you don't need to. You know you don't need to change yourself for anyone, and you know that well. If they didn't work out with this person, then there's somebody else for me to be with, like it's not even a question anymore as to whether or not you're worthy and capable of attracting a loving, healthy relationship. Yeah, it'll hurt and it'll sting a little bit, of course, but you know it's not the end of the world like it used to be so, and that really is.

Speaker 1: 35:26

You know the beauty of doing this work right, and so when you take away the need for other people to love and accept you and you really learn to love and accept yourself, it's amazing how it transforms your relationship.

Speaker 1: 35:42

And now your relationships that do come in are based in true loving, acceptance and kindness and compassion and support. So, with that, remember to love yourself the way that you want to be loved, and I promise you you will be. If you're ready to create a massive up level in your relationships and your life, click the link below this podcast to book a one-on-one intensive with me now. These are powerful 90-minute sessions where we get laser focused to create massive change and transformation in your relationships. If you've got a question, if there's anything you're curious about, struggling with or just dying to know, hit me up at mariethefemcoachcom. Who knows, you just might inspire the next episode of the Femcast and if you loved this episode, it would mean the world to me if you would leave a positive reading and review on Apple Podcast or Spotify or wherever you're listening to this. That is all for now, you guys, until next time, massive love.