Douchebag Diaries | The One Who Tried To Turn Me Into Something I'm Not (A Lesson In Believing That I Am Enough)

One of the areas in my life that was always a “hot mess” was my relationships. That’s why, in this episode of TheFemmeCast, we continue our journey into The Douchebag Diaries. The series is devoted to sharing the stories of the top 5 douchebags I had the privilege of dating and learning a “hot mess” pile of lessons from in my “hot mess” romantic lifetime. All the names, dates and locations have been changed to protect the “not so innocent.” Each of these said douchebags helped me to make a life changing mindset shift and more importantly, each taught me a very powerful lesson about radical self.

In today's episode I am going to share all about douchebag number 3: The One Who Tried To Turn Me Into Something I'm Not (A Lesson In Believing That I am Enough). 

And it’s all happening right here on TheFemmeCast. 

Let’s do this!

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Transcript

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Lessons in Radical Self-Love

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 0:52

Hey you guys , what is up and welcome back to the show and welcome to the next episode of the douchebag diaries , the series devoted to sharing the top five douchebags that I had the privilege of dating and learning a hot mess pile of lessons from in my hot mess romantic lifetime . All of the names , dates , locations have been changed to protect the not so innocent , and each of these said douchebags helped me to make a life changing mindset shift and , more importantly , each taught me a very powerful lesson about radical self-love . In today's episode I'm sharing all about douchebag number three . Oh my God , you guys , we're getting douche here . Douchebag number three was the one who tried to turn me into something that I'm not a lesson in believing that I am enough . Now , the interesting thing about douchebag number three , although this pattern repeated in many of my relationships throughout my life , like my romantic relationships where I was trying you know the whoever I was with at the time , or sometimes even their families were trying to mold me into who they wanted me or expected me to be . This was a common thread for me , but the most obvious one , like blatantly obvious and actually like after I had kind of gone through my evolution , I experienced this in the workplace with one of my bosses . So you know proof that you know when there's a relationship pattern that you're struggling with , you know it doesn't just show up in our romantic relationships , it shows up in all of our relationships , our friendships , our family relationships , our workplace relationships , any kind of relationship that you can imagine . Because there is these challenges and patterns and triggers are all stemming from an internal belief system that is really not serving you . And then , because you have that internal belief system , you end up kind of recreating these dynamics in all sorts of different funky relationship situations . Okay , and again , also proof that when you do do the work on your romantic relationships , all your relationships benefit .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 3:11

Now , the story that I'm telling you right now I'm gonna preface this by saying by societal standards doesn't really have happy ending Ultimately ended up losing my job . But for me it was a very , very , very happy ending and a very successful one at that , and one that I truly and powerfully celebrated . So we're gonna jump right into this . So let me give you a bit of background . So I was working for this organization , which I loved working with . I had a great time working with this organization , great experience , met some great people . We accomplished amazing things . It was probably truly , I would say , in my at least in the beginning , I would say in my top five of work experiences that I've had in my lifetime . And I'm you know me like I I love to just kind of freelance and do my own thing . So it is really hard for me to love a nine to five , but I did , I did love this one , you know it was . It was the right combination of , you know , being challenging enough but also feeling confident in what I was doing , at least up to a certain point , and really giving that room for me to be creative and flexible and wear different hats and try different things , because I just I can't do monotony .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 4:35

Now , this was in the beginning . My role changed drastically , actually , and you know I was noticing some toxic behaviors coming from one of the people that I would report to and who had a large influence in my role and what I was doing on a day to day basis , understanding that , you know when , when we're in a workplace where you know there's a certain need and we have the skills to fulfill that need , you know there are times when sometimes ah , you know what I am the only person right now on the team who can do this . So I'm going to take I'm going to take one for the team here and I'm going to , you know , step up to the plate and try and manage this . Now it was kind of discussed at the very beginning that I would take on the specific role or the specific responsibilities that weren't really aligned with my role , but that I would take on because I was the only person equipped enough to kind of do it , and even and even my my boss at the time said to me hey , you know , this is just until we can find somebody who's qualified enough to actually take this on and really run with it . A year later , I'm still doing this job . Okay , and it is .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 5:58

It is killing me , it is burning me out Like I am so stressed out . You know , we've gone from just doing the bare minimum to having these like monstrous expectations that were way over my head and way over my skill set , and not only way over my skill set but also way beyond what I ever even would want or choose to do , like this is not a job that I ever would have chosen . It actually drained the fuck out of me Like I was so exhausted and burnt out that I literally at one point I mean there was a lot going on in my life at the time too , but , like where I was , had responsibilities with my parents that were going on . I had other issues that were going on at home there was just so many things , kind of you know , funneling to this , this peak moment where I literally could you not , had a nervous breakdown and for two weeks I was useless . I was tired , burnt out , couldn't put a sentence like a coherent sentence together , couldn't keep a thought in my head and I really needed to just sort of like disconnect and completely recharge .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 7:10

Now , recognizing that , you know , although my work wasn't the only thing that brought me to this point and oftentimes we do get to this point when we're really fighting against who we are and what is really aligned for us , because it takes a lot of energy to get to this point . It takes a lot of energy to go against yourself , right . It takes a lot of energy and thought and willpower to constantly go against the grain of who it is that you are . It burns you out , and it burns you out quickly , and not only that , you actually create this pattern of self abandonment right where you know you're kind of not doing the things you really want to be doing and that are really meaningful to you , because you're too busy doing what everybody else wants you to do . Right , and that in itself can create a pattern of people who do like don't really recognize you and value you for who you are , and do want you to kind of abandon yourself and be who they want or need you to be in order to fill a gap for them , like that's kind of the pattern that's created there . And again it all boils down to this belief that you're not enough and that's really what fuels this pattern .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 8:28

And so , you know , having gone through this period right , it's 70 years of , you know , my douchebag detox era , as I like to call it you know I learned that . You know self abandonment is not the way to go if I want to cultivate loving and supportive relationships . It's a value me for who I am . That value would I bring to the table , that it is important for me to say when something is or isn't aligned for me and to be to really , you know , make every effort to show up as me , even when the stakes are high . You know that was a lot of the work that I had done and there was a lot of fears there that you know needed to kind of be worked through , and there was a lot of times where , you know , I was really tested .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 9:18

And so , you know , coming into this period where , you know , here I am again and now it took me a while to recognize it because , you know , we're so used to seeing patterns when they're in our romantic relationships , but when we see them in our work relationships we're like , oh fuck , it's the same frickin pattern we had with this and that guy , right , but now it's in the workplace . So it was really interesting . Anyway . So you know , taking it was taking what I've learned about stepping up and setting my boundaries and really being clear about what I do and don't want and who I am and am not . Taking all of that and taking this experience of having that mental breakdown .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 10:02

I confronted many people on my team and many of my superiors with my concerns and saying , listen , I said I would do this job short term . I agreed to do the bare minimum until , like , it's kind of keep things afloat until , you know , we could find the person who could do this role permanently and in that time you know it's been a year you know the expectations have exponentially increased from where we first started . I'm no longer doing what I was excited and inspired to do when you initially brought me into this role and I'm now stuck doing all this stuff that I don't like doing . I don't have the skillset to do , I don't have the knowledge base , I don't have the confidence and I don't have the desire to have any of the above , because it's not something I want . And so in having those conversations now , not everybody responded the same way . Let me just say that , right , not everybody responded the same way , but there was one particular character who responded as such oh , you're just .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 12:58

I think it's just a mindset thing that you need to get back . I totally believe in you and I totally believe you can do this job . You just need to believe that you can . You need to get out of your comfort zone . You don't like to do things that well , what was the term ? You don't like to do things unless you're 100% sure , and I just think you need to take a chance on yourself and just do them . All the while , in my head , I'm listening to this and I'm going dude , like you're not hearing me Like I don't wanna do this .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 13:28

If it was something that I would want to do and was excited about , yeah , I would absolutely get out of my fucking comfort

Step Out of Comfort Zone for Motivation

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 13:35

zone . I get out of my comfort zone every day when I show up on this podcast . You know I have no issues with stepping outside my comfort zone when it's something that I want and desire and I'm excited about . If you're asking me to step outside of my comfort zone for something that I am dragging my heels through the mud to actually get through , yeah , you're probably not gonna get me jumping out of my comfort zone for that . Sorry , not sorry . It's just not very motivating and you know I again , having had that conversation of this , is not aligned for me .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 14:10

This is not what we agree to . This is not the role that I signed up for . These are not the responsibilities I agreed to take on long term and then basically being gaslighted as and being gaslighted and told that it was my issue , that I was having a problem with not meeting the expectation , when I was clear at the beginning , even when they gave me these responsibilities , I said you know what , guys , I'm really not the most qualified person to be doing this . You really should be giving this to someone else . I don't have the skill set , I don't have this , I don't have that and I don't have the desire .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 14:49

I was very clear in the beginning and I was very clear throughout and it finally came to that melting point where I had to say , listen , I can't do this anymore . You know , I've said time and time again and you've heard me say it and I was very vocal and very honest about it . But I was also again , you know , when somebody asked me for something there it is still a challenge for me to say no , especially when I know there's no one else there to fill that void . And I know that I have the skill set to do it . So I reasoned with myself and I did start to self-abandon and I had to pull back right . And this does happen . On this journey You're gonna go back and forth . You're never gonna just come into mastery and never have to deal with anything ever again . It's kind of a stepping in and step . It's a little dance that you do with your patterns and your triggers right .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 15:38

So I recognized where I had kind of you know , self-abandoned again and said yes to something that wasn't aligned and something I shouldn't have said yes to . I recognized that and I said hey , listen , I've done this as long as I can . I can't do this anymore . You know , we need to find an alternative solution . And it was really interesting because it was I think it was in our you know , our last planning session . Something was said along the lines of you know , oh , I think it's really neat how you know , you're still kind of playing with and discovering who you are , or something along those lines . And I said , motherfucker , I know exactly who I am . You haven't been listening . So at that point I put my foot down and I said I am not doing this job anymore . This is what I'm , this is what I am capable of doing . This is what I am not capable of doing , nor do I have any desire to do it .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 16:36

Ultimately , that career ended , say Levy . Now , it wasn't said that that's why it was ended . But you know there was a lot of things kind of happening as well along the sidelines that kind of led into that decision-making process . But I know that to say that this didn't have any influence was absolutely a crock of shit , and I know this because I trained my replacement . So you know , I , honestly , you know , looking back , and I'm not even going to say looking back , I won't even say looking back . I will say in that moment , yeah , I shed a tear .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 17:18

You know , I felt a little betrayed , felt a little bit let down and I felt like , oh , you know , too bad , because there were a lot of great relationships in that team that I love to work with . And you know one person who I absolutely loved working for and who I found very inspiring to kind of you know you know work with and kind of you know dissect how he worked , because he was just such a I think we worked a lot in the same way , but , you know , he also had a lot of insights and methods that I actually learned quite a bit from . So for that , you know , I'm so grateful and that was just a great working relationship , right . So quite the opposite of what I had experienced on the other end , right . So I was sad to see that end , because that was actually a relationship that I truly valued and appreciated , and probably the reason behind why I did what I did for so long is because I had such respect for this person and I did not want to leave them hanging . But you know and this is a whole other lesson for a whole other talk Sometimes , you know , it's not just about knowing that we're enough , but I think , like I mentioned in the other , in one of the other episodes , it really is about it's not that I don't love you or value you or appreciate you or respect you , but it's that I love , value and respect myself more , and continuing to go down this path is just way too damaging for me and I need to just put my foot down , even if it is upsetting or whatever to everyone else .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 18:51

And so I really had to make that call and I really had to . I knew that in doing so

Being Your Authentic Self

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 18:58

, I was putting my job in jeopardy and because , again , there was a lot of other things going on behind the scenes , right , and I knew that this was going to put me at serious risk . And I was just fuck it . I accept the risk Because the only thing , the only thing more daunting to me than the thought of losing my job and my income which , by the way , was great the only thing more daunting was continuing to do this work . That was actually the thought of continuing to do the work that I was doing was actually more daunting to me than the thought of losing my income for a period of time , because you know what the reality is . I know I will balance back . I've done it before , but then I did a million times . I will do it again .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 19:51

And sometimes you have to kind of lean into that faith a little bit too . And I'm not encouraging anybody to go out there and lose their jobs , please . That's not what we're going here . What we are talking about there is power in not being afraid to lose something and trusting that it will be replaced . And there is also power in knowing that you are enough just as you are and that the more you embody being your true and authentic self , aligning with what you need and what you desire and who you were created to be in this lifetime , the more you're going to repel these people who aren't aligned for you . And I know that I totally repel this guy . I could see it . It was happening . I could see it coming miles away . I knew I was going to be losing my job weeks before I lost my job , because I could see the repelling begin to happen . It was so obvious .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 20:50

And you're going to start to attract the relationships in your life , that see you for who you are , that value you for who you are , that see the gifts , the beauty , the magic that you bring to the table and to the relationship . And those are the people you want to have relationships with . You don't want to have relationships with the people who are constantly trying to mold you and fix you and be who it is that they want or need you to be in order to fill a gap . That's not who you want to be in a relationship with at all . Again , they're exhausting , they're depleting and they'll burn you out and they're completely not fulfilling and the only thing they'll leave you feeling is not enough . Because they're constantly projecting that belief onto you , because I fully believe that they believe that about themselves . So they're just constantly projecting it onto everybody else , because that's how they do things . They're constantly filling a void , filling a need , filling an expectation , and that's what they think is good behavior , because that's what they do . But that is not what we're here to do .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 22:01

I believe , yeah , we all have some work to do and I believe that we're all responsible for our own side of the fence and doing our own work and our own healing , but I think that we're all here with certain gifts , talents , magic , creativity , genius , ideologies , whatever that are gifts that we're meant to share in one way or another , and when we do anything outside of those things , we're really doing an injustice , because I really do believe that and I'm going on a fun whole tangent here the world operates like a well-oiled machine and if everybody does what they were created to do , everything would be beautiful , or the world can operate like a well-oiled machine . Anyway , the point is , the point is you are enough as you are , as you were created to be . Yeah , there could be little tweaks and adjustments to be made and your path may veer and you'll grow and you'll evolve and that's all okay and that's all part of the journey . But you know , when you're struggling to believe that you're enough and if you're a people , please , or like I was saying no , is really hard for you it is so easy to continuously morph into whoever other people want or expect us to be or need us to be , in order to fill these gaps , like I said . And so the challenge then becomes in resisting that urge to morph , to fill the gaps , to fill the need .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 23:44

This was really what made this so hard for me is that every time I felt like I had let someone down or someone was disappointed or not happy in some way , I immediately reverted back to that feeling of not enoughness , like , oh fuck , I must have done something wrong . Like I've let this person down , I'm not good enough , what can I do to do this better , to make them happy , to fill their need to know that I'm valued and appreciated , because what I'm doing right now just doesn't seem to be working . And I would feel that intense compulsion and need to become what or who they needed me to be . And you know , a lot of my learning and growth came from resisting that urge , resisting that compulsion and just sitting in that discomfort . And it was really hard , I'm not going to lie , it was so hard to do .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 24:35

Resisting that urge to become who and what people need you to be when you feel like you are at the very core isn't enough , is the work and , like everything else , all your fears and insecurities will surface when you start to do this . And so you know , for me , again , seven years of resisting that urge , resisting that compulsion , of temptation coming in to say are you going to morph , are you going to change ? Are you going to self-abandon and change who you are , to become , who this person needs you to be . You know , and I did I did misstep quite a few times . I even probably , I would say I even misstepped at the beginning of this job , when I took on the responsibility , and I probably should have pulled back sooner . I didn't because , you know , like I said , there was a lot of mutual respect and camaraderie in this relationship at least some of them and so , you know , I probably let it go a little bit longer than it should have , a lot longer than it should have , you know . But then , you know , I quickly corrected my steps and that's really the best that you can ask for .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 25:50

Now I will say this you know , having embodied these beliefs and now being able to kind of , you know , stand up and know exactly who I am , what I want , what I don't want , and being really clear about that Again , I have repelled all the relationships that are basically showing up to mold me and use me to fill their gaps and their needs . I've become so repellent to them . They are , they want nothing to do with me , and I am absolutely happy about that . That is the best news I've had all day , you know , because now I get to appreciate the relationships who love me for who I am , who celebrate me , who recognize the value that I bring to the table , the magic that I bring to the table , and who are just ready to just love me , for me , and work with me and appreciate and , you know , benefit from my gifts and talents .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 26:46

You know what they want my gifts and talents to be right and that really is the work is that when you do sit through that gunk and that discomfort of doing the displeasing thing right and we have to , and this is what I always say we have got to find the courage to do the unpleasing thing Then , and only then , are we going to begin to evolve and break free from this pattern and the chains of people pleasing , because they really are chains . It's literally like a cage and so do the unpleasing thing . Please , I beg you , find the courage . Let people be upset , let them be disappointed , let them go somewhere else and choose someone else to fill their gap . You do you and your life will be more fulfilled for it , and you'll attract the relationships that love you for you and your relationships will be more fulfilled for it . Please trust me on this one Do it slowly . You can baby step your way . I know this isn't easy work , but it is so worth it , so worth it .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 27:56

And so , as we wrap , I want to thank douchebag number three you , jerk for reminding me just how fabulous I actually am and for helping me break the fear of losing someone or something . High stakes because , let me tell you , this was high stakes because someone wants me to be someone or else that I'm not . Did I say that properly ? Probably not , but you know what I'm trying to say . Right , I broke fear of the free of losing someone or something who wants me to become someone that I'm not in order for them to value me . And so , for breaking free from that fear , I am so grateful because I know now that I can do that , and I have a confidence that I didn't have before , because I know that I can walk away when the stakes are high if it means compromising who I am in order to be there and self abandoning , and I am absolutely fucking willing to do the unpleasing thing , even when the stakes are high . All right , okay , so that about wraps up today . Stay tuned tomorrow for douchebag number two , the one who would ghost , bench and breadcrumb me and give me just enough to keep me coming back A lesson in raising the bar in my relationships .

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST 29:22

Coming to you right here on the Femcast If you have a douchebag that you've dated , I want to know about it . If you've got a question you want me to answer , if there's anything that you're struggling with , curious about or dying to know , please email me at Maria at the Femcoachcom . Who knows , you just might inspire the next episode of the Femcast . And if you love this episode , please do me a huge favor and leave a rating and a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you're seeing this . Help this podcast get out there into the world and help it get seen . That is all for now , you guys . Until next time , massive , massive love .