THE DOUCHEBAG DIARIES | THE ONE WHO ALWAYS TOOK WAY MORE THAN HE HAD TO GIVE (A LESSON IN GIVING AND RECEIVING)

One of the areas in my life that was always a “hot mess” was my relationships. That’s why, in this episode of TheFemmeCast, we continue our journey into The Douchebag Diaries. The series is devoted to sharing the stories of the top 5 douchebags I had the privilege of dating and learning a “hot mess” pile of lessons from in my “hot mess” romantic lifetime. All the names, dates and locations have been changed to protect the “not so innocent.” Each of these said douchebags helped me to make a life changing mindset shift and more importantly, each taught me a very powerful lesson about radical self.

In today's episode I am going to share all about douchebag number 4: The One Who Always Took Way More Than He Had To Give (A Lesson In Giving And Receiving).

And it’s all happening right here on TheFemmeCast.

Let’s do this!

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Want more daily inspiration an tips on how you can uplevel your relationships and your life through the art of radical self-love? If so, use the link below to con...

Transcript

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 0:32

Hey you guys, what is up? Welcome back to the show. So excited and grateful to have you here as we continue down our little trail of the douchebag diaries. I am absolutely loving this. I actually just did kind of like an overview post to my Instagram. If you're not following me there, check out at the Femcast on Instagram. So I'm sharing a lot of content about this series there as well. So let's jump right in. Here we are again for the douchebag diaries, the series devoted to sharing the stories of the top five douchebags.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 1:11

I had the privilege of dating and learning a hot mess pile of lessons from in my hot mess romantic lifetime. All the names, dates, locations have been changed to protect the not so innocent, and each of these douchebags helped me to make a life changing mindset shift and, more importantly, taught me a very powerful lesson in radical self-love. So in today's episode we are diving in and sharing all about douchebag number four, the one who took way more than he ever had to give a lesson in giving and receiving. This was a big one, you guys, and I'm gonna be honest, I had a really hard time putting a face to the name and I know I haven't shared any of the faces or names on the podcast, and I will continue to do that, because this isn't about throwing anybody under the bus or anything like that. This is about my own healing journey and where I've come from and what I've moved through and where I'm at now. Okay, so let's make that clear. However, honestly, all of them did this. There wasn't a single one that wasn't guilty of like receiving more from me and taking more from me and expecting more from me than they were ever, ever, ever had the capacity to give and return or ever wanted to give and return, to be flat out honest. So I had to narrow it down to one person. So I kind of, you know, I focused it on my mind and said, okay, who am I gonna pick as the example of this? I would have to say this probably one of douchiest guys ever dated. Oh my God, if he's listening and he doesn't have talking about him. Well, thank you, cause I learned a lot of really powerful lessons from you. So, thanks In the words of who was it? Are you on a grand day? Thank you next. Yeah, exactly, okay. So douchebag number four.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 2:59

Again, everybody did this, but what I will say is this he constantly demanded way more than he had to give or even wanted to give, for that matter, he would have a tantrum when I didn't give what he wanted for me, which was way higher than than than than than what he could ever give to me, right? So his expectations of what I was to give him was wildly disproportionate. What he was willing, ready and able to give me in return, right, he would literally give me like the tiniest little breadcrumbs of affection and love and just expect me to give 120% in return for those breadcrumbs. Like, this guy was such a douche, and the funniest thing was is that he acted like he was so entitled to that. Like why wouldn't you give me so much after the breadcrumbs that I've given you? Like, what is wrong with you, oh man. When I think back now, oh, you know, I look back on myself, the past version of myself, who dated said douchebag and I have so much love for her. Because it's like, oh, you poor thing, like you had no idea what your value and your worth was in that moment that you settled for that, you know. And it wasn't because I wasn't a valuable person, it wasn't because I wasn't good enough, it wasn't because I wasn't smart enough. It wasn't because it wasn't any of these things. It was literally because I didn't feel like I was good enough and I felt like that was literally the best that I could do. But we'll get more into the belief as we go on with the podcast.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 4:51

But you know, the theme is, you know, this arrogant expectation of entitlement as to what that they would expect from me, while I was literally getting like measly little scraps in return and the belief I think that kind of kept me, I think, on the hook here, and he was literally giving me just enough to keep me on the hook, right. And I think that what happens in situations like this is, when they do give you those breadcrumbs, they're so filled with love, like it's almost like they fulfill this fantasy that you didn't even know that you had that you wanted, and it's like so you catch this like little glimmer of it, right, and you're like, ooh, shiny object, right. And it's like he's like dangling this carrot in front of you and you're like, oh my God, I want that. That's the relationship that I've been looking for. This is the kind of person I've wanted my entire life and I didn't even realize it. This person showed this to me, thank you. And now all the setting you're building up this relationship and now you have this like delusions of grandeur with this relationship can actually amount to be based on this little glimmer of hope that he's given you, which is well, far beyond this guy's potential. If you're dating a douchebag number four, trust me, this is, whatever fantasy you've made up in your mind way beyond his potential. Okay, I can guarantee that.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 6:31

But I think the belief that kind of kept me on the hook was that he would come around right and, you know, eventually that little glimmer would become our story. But nothing could be farther from the truth and I do apologize, I was trained going by right now. Nothing could be farther from the truth Like that. I mean, you know, maybe he would give that to a woman one day, maybe and I think that was another big fear is that if I vacate, if I leave the building now, if I leave the burning building now, what if the fire gets put out Right and everything's saved, everything's fine? No, the big fear was that if I left the relationship, he would then find someone else and give this perfect love to you know, and suddenly the dream that I had in my mind would be given to someone else. Someone else would get to experience that, other than me. And after all the work that I've put in and after all that I've given to this relationship, how could somebody else reap the benefits? The mere thought would make my brain want to explode. Okay, if you're a people pleaser, I know, you know what I'm talking about, because we're prone to this. And so we go on this belief that he'll come around one day and one day we'll have the happily ever after and the perfect story, and then he'll be what we saw in that little glimmer of hope. You know He'll be that person on a full time basis and everything will be roses and rainbows and we'll be so happy and we'll live happily ever after. Bad back, we'll live happily ever after. And here's the real kick. Are you ready? If I give just a little bit more, maybe that'll happen faster.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 8:32

This, my friend, is the love story, the never ending love story between the narcissist and the codependent. The codependent constantly giving more love to get more love. The narcissist, getting more love and getting full supply, starts to like move away. Causing the codependent to want to give more love, moves away farther. Give more love. Do you see where I'm going with this the more love you give, the more you inevitably end up pushing them away, tracking the wrong people, attracting people who just want to take from you, who aren't ready or willing or able to give you in return.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 9:11

This then becomes the toxic pattern, is giving way too much in your relationships, to the point where I will tell you there were so many relationships and it wasn't necessarily in this particular scenario that I'm talking about, but there was many relationships where, in the end, after it was all over, I was like dude, I have nothing left to give you. Like I'm giving you everything. I am bone dry right now. Like I have nothing left in me to give you. Like I couldn't even like give you a napkin to blow your nose. Like I am so done because I would be depleted, because I would have given, given, given, given, given so much. So I have nothing left to give. I have no energy for anything else in my life anymore. I've probably put on weight. I've probably, you know, my career has suffered, my education has suffered, my health has suffered, my family relationship has suffered, my friends' relationships have suffered Because I've given so much that I've completely neglected all other areas of my life. Now I'm caught up in all of this toxic resentment because I've given so much and I've gotten breadcrumbs in return. Holy fuck, talk about a cluster fuck of toxicity Like this is literally the crème de la crème of toxic relationships.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 10:27

Toxic relationships are from an in balance giving and receiving, and this has been such a hard lesson for me to learn, you guys, it's literally. I think this is the one that probably took me seven years and you know what? I still, to this day, have to be mindful of how I balance giving and receiving, and I still, to this day, need to make adjustments from time to time, because old patterns do come back and it is second nature for me to want to give more than I receive in my relationships. That's what I've been taught. I've been taught that's what's loving, that's what loving people do, that's what you do in people relationships.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 11:00

And yeah, there are seasons in all relationships, all relationships, doesn't matter what they are. There are seasons in all relationships where you do have to give more, where somebody is a little bit in need and needs your support or needs your guidance, or needs your strength or your love or your reassurance. But you know that and it's not to say it's a tit for tat, but you know that you can count on that relationship to be there for you when you need them, right. And so I think having those seasons, I think is okay, where periodically sways more in one direction than the other, that's fine. I think that's totally healthy.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 11:32

But when you're in a relationship where you're constantly giving 120% and they are giving you breadcrumbs and then having a patty every time you don't give them 120, right, and then fighting, fighting for the breadcrumbs that they give you, it's like, oh, but I did this. Who the fuck cares? Like not, okay, not, who the fuck cares? But I mean, you know, like, let's not, let's be realistic, okay. If somebody wants to give love to you, they will give love to you. If somebody wants to be with you, they will be with you. If somebody wants to support you, provide for you, be there for you, you know, show you love, show you affection, all those things are things that they someone who loves you has the capacity to do.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 12:27

And if they're not ready, if they're not in that capacity to do those things, then it's time to leave the burning building Because, honestly, you're gonna go down in flames. It happens every fucking time. Get out of the burning building. You don't belong there. It's not for you. The relationship is not for you. He's probably. Yeah, you know what he's not. It doesn't matter how much you give him, he's gonna give you less. He's never gonna come around. And you know what? Even if he were to come around, do you really want to wait one year, two years, three years, four years, five years for this guy to come around? No, go and find the guy who's ready to give you what you need right now, because that is actually a very unloving thing to do.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 13:09

When somebody is clearly showing you that they're not ready to be involved in a relationship, who are you to tell them otherwise? It might not be their time, they might not be ready to commit, they might not be ready to be in a relationship, they may not feel the way you feel in it. And those are all healthy responses. Those are all healthy situations and normal situations that happen in life. You need to just kind of accept that and move on and go and find the relationship that's ready to be with you, instead of fighting to be in a relationship that's not, or continuing to give more than you're receiving or more than the other person is ready to give to you in return In the hopes that they're going to give you more one day. They won't. There's a low probability that they might Low, but even still, it'll still create an imbalanced relationship.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 13:58

And don't worry about them giving it to the next gal, because chances are they probably have a pattern of doing this and if they do end up giving it to the next gal, she's probably going to be really unhappy Because she's probably going to have to jump through hoops to get that love from them. You know, if there are true narcissists like she's going to have to jump through hoops of fire to get there A lot of fire being mentioned in today's episodes. That's very interesting. So no, stop waiting. He's not going to come around.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 14:27

Who cares if he falls in love and gives that love to somebody else? Are you willing to gamble the next five years of your life waiting for him to give it to you On the off? One percent chance that he does? Are you willing to throw that time away when you can be in a loving, beautiful, healthy relationship with somebody else and you know what? This little glimmer that he's shown you, that actually looks so shiny and perfect, is bullshit. He's not that person.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 14:51

Maybe we're going to decide his best, maybe, but when life happens, when things get stressed out, when there's money issues, when there's job issues, when there's home issues, when life throws you a wrench, he's not going to be that guy. And you want that guy who's going to be that guy all the time Not to say that he's going to be perfect and happy all the time, but who's going to handle things well, who's going to be a partner with you, who's going to want to go through this thing called life with you. You know, not somebody who's going to have a meltdown and a patty every time they don't get their way. You know that's not who you want to be in a relationship with. So you know, maybe he will fall in love, maybe he won't, I don't know, doesn't matter. The point is is that you're too good to sit around and wait for him to decide to want to be with you, or to give and give and give and give and get, nothing else in return. The more you give to this relationship, the less you'll get back. Your only job in this situation, if you're not going to walk away really, and the only chance of salvaging this, is to really just stop giving and start giving to yourself.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 15:58

Whenever I was in a relationship and this was my strategy okay, in these situations because, like I said, all of the relationships that I was in had this sort of vibe right. Each one of the douchebags had this vibe about them, and I've seen this in a lot of my relationships. Okay, so this is an extreme case that I'm sharing with you, but in all of my relationships here's my strategy I will give as long as it feels good. When it doesn't feel good, or when I feel like I'm starting to get resentful that I'm not receiving anything in return, I stop. I start to give to myself, I start to fill my cup, I start to make sure I'm taking care of my body, my needs, my emotional, spiritual, mental needs are all taken care of. Okay, so I put that energy and focus back onto myself.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 16:50

Then what ends up happening, very naturally, is the relationships that are just wanting to take, take, take, take, take from me Sorry, I'm wearing bracelets, I probably shouldn't be the relationships that are wanting to just take, take, take from me. They naturally just kind of fall away. The ones that are actually there to support me, to provide for me, to stand by me to be a partner in this life. They stick around and I start to attract more relationships like that, because now I'm attracting people who want to be in a healthy, reciprocal relationship with me, versus people who just want to take from me. So you become a natural repellent for people who are looking to just take advantage of you, breadcrumb you and do all sorts of you know unfair things. Right, and you start to open yourself up to this energy of receiving.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 17:47

Because what I will say is you know, when I was in this energy of waiting for this guy to come around and constantly just like giving more in the hopes that you know I'll receive more from him, and then constantly receiving less, it put me in this holding pattern, right, because now I'm waiting for this outcome and I keep giving and giving and giving and giving and getting nothing in return. So now that energy starts to show up in other areas of my life, so it starts to show up in my career, it starts to show up in my friendships, it starts to show up in my bank account, where I'm giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, giving and I'm not receiving anything in return. And now I'm waiting for all these outcomes to come to me and I'm waiting, and waiting, and waiting and waiting, and I swear to God I'm waiting way too long. Remember that last episode where I talked about working on a relationship, staying in a relationship way past the expiry date? Oh yeah, this was one of those cases. And because I was in this energetic state of waiting and this energetic state of giving more than I was receiving, this starts to then show up in other areas, like in my life. So where I'm working extra hours and not getting paid for it, or I'm doing a job above and beyond what I'm supposed to be doing and not getting the recognition and the salary increase for it, or I'm calling, I'm there for my friends when they need me, but when I need somebody, no one's around. Things like that real, relevant, real life examples of how this energy of giving more than I was receiving was kind of transcending into all areas of my life. And it was because I was in such a strong vibration with this relationship of constantly waiting and giving and waiting for the day that I would actually start to receive from him to the level that I was giving, and it created so much resentment. And in this case too, I got very burnt out because all this giving, giving, giving, giving, giving and getting nothing in return eventually just completely ran me down. I was tired, I was depleted, things were falling apart, I didn't have the energy to kind of take care of situations because I was so fixated on this one, and so it becomes a very unhealthy way to be in life and in relationship, right. And so, like I said, it is so.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 22:42

I know it sounds easier said than done, but the impacts of stopping and the real difficulty, I think, is in stopping when you're giving too much and being able to recognize when that is. And the way you recognize is when you start to feel that resentment. I know when I feel resentment in a relationship I've given too much. So be really aware of those moments when you feel really resentful, okay, and then that's when you stop and start giving to yourself. And this is really hard to do for so many reasons. Number one catching yourself in the moment, which you know, that's the best cue I could give you is when you start to feel that resentment. That's your clue that there's a relationship or a situation in your life where you're giving way too much of your energy and you're not getting enough in return. So pay attention to those moments.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 23:28

But I think that you know what made it so hard for me to embody this belief so much was because, you know, I built up the ideal of what this relationship could be in my mind so much, and it was so great and it was just so perfect and it was literally like it was an expectation I don't think anybody could ever live up to. And then again, my fear would be that he would give that love to if I vacated the building now. He would only end up giving that love to somebody else, and then I would have to watch this beautiful love story unfold on before my eyes on social media. You know what I mean. Even though I had no proof that he was like that, that this relationship even existed, that that you know he was seeing anybody else or interested in anybody else, all I had were the breadcrumbs of illusion that he'd given me that, hey, this could be something, but it wasn't. And you know what? If it was meant to be, it would have, but it didn't.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 24:27

So, rather than keep giving, giving, giving, like I said, I stopped. I stopped giving. I stopped giving to this relationship in any relationship where I felt like I was giving more than I was receiving, and I started to give to myself. I started to pay attention to my life. I started to devote time to the things that really mattered to me, that made a difference for me. I started to pour into my myself, my own needs. I started to pour into the relationships that were there for me, that were giving to me, that were supportive, that were present, that were calling me to say, hey, how you doing? I was thinking about you.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 25:05

Those are the people that I started to pour it all my time and energy into and, as a result, you know the relationships that were just looking to take advantage of me and take for me and not give anything in return. They were eradicated for my life, like they did not want to be there. They're like oh hell, no, we can't get nothing out of this one. We have to go find somebody else to milk, for energy, for time, for love and affection, without having to, like you know, give an ounce of ourselves in return. They were completely eradicated and nowhere to be found, and when they do come around, I repel them very quickly and at first this was kind of uncomfortable because I thought I was being rejected. But then at the end of the day, I was like, oh, that's what this is. This is literally somebody who is just looking to be an energy vampire in my life, literally getting turned off because I've turned all the energy and focus onto myself and I'm only focusing on relationships that actually matter and make a difference for me in my life. Oh, this is a good thing. That was a bit of a mind fuck in the beginning, but I promise you it's amazing when it actually happens and you realize what it is that's actually happening. And the ones who remain, like I said, are the solid relationships, the ones I can count on, the ones who will give to me just as much as I will give to them and again, we'll have seasons, will. They'll give to me more and I'll give to them more, and that's all fine and good, but they are healthy. Giving reciprocal relationships and that's what we always want to be cultivating in our romantic life and our friendships and our families in our workplace doesn't matter. This is what this is the foundation of what a healthy relationship looks like, and it's our job to do the work to make sure that we're of the right mindset to create these types of relationships. Because I'll tell you, you know, go, you know.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 27:03

Looking at who I was back then, I was not in the mindset again. I told you like, for me, I always believed that giving was love, and the more you love, the more you need to give. And that's what it means to love somebody. It means you need to be giving it. If you're not getting the love that you want from someone, it means to give more. So I had to re-engineer all of that patterning and belief and really come from a place of no.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 27:31

When I give to myself first, you know, that's when I attract people who are ready to be, who want to give with me, like when I. So let me rephrase that giving in a relationship is a beautiful thing, right. But when I start to feel that that resist, that that resentment, I pull back. I give to myself and I know that when my cup is full, I attract loving, healthy relationships. So you know, when we're not attracting loving, healthy relationships, when we're not attracting relationships that are wanting to give to us, that is our cue to pull back and start to give to ourselves. Give to the relationships that are giving to us, okay, and become a vibrational match for those types of relationships and teach relationships how to treat us.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 28:22

Because when we give to ourselves and we invest in relationships that are reciprocal, we're then you know, we're putting that energy out there to say, hey, I'm only available for reciprocal relationships. I'm not available for all this bread crumbing crap and I think I was supposed to talk about breadcrumbing in another episode, but what the hell, we're covering it here. We'll probably talk about it again, but either way. So don't give love to anyone who isn't available to give it emotion, like who isn't available to give love or any kind of emotion in return. And just because the more you give is not going to inspire them to give to you in return, it's probably going to do the exact opposite. It's probably going to repel them Not repel them, but it's going to keep them wanting to keep you on the hook. Do you know what I mean? So they'll take more distance, but then they'll keep coming back when they feel like they need to get you on the hook again. It'll just make it even messier than it is already.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 29:32

The worst thing you can do is give more. What you should be doing is giving less, taking a step back, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. And let me tell you it's going to feel fucking uncomfortable because all your worst fears and limiting beliefs are going to come up when you start to do this. You are going to be up against all your gremlins when you start. Stop giving All your mind telling you what are you doing? No, he's going to leave you. He's never going to come back. No, you're going to lose this beautiful picture of a happy ending. He's going to go off. He's going to give it to somebody else. What's the matter with you? All lies, all lies. What's actually going to happen is you're going to turn your back and you're going to start to give to yourself. And if this relationship is worth a damn, it will level up and start to give more. If it's not, it will fall away and you can rest assured in the falling away that the relationship was not meant for you to begin with. And if you're still uncomfortable with that idea, go back to the last episode. But this is everything we're going to be talking about in the douchebag detox masterclass we're going to take all of these beliefs that you need to really embody to create healthy relationships and we're going to break down for you how you can start to really believe and embody those ideas in your relationships and really bring them forward in your life so that you can start to break some of these cycles and patterns that have been showing up for you.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 30:56

So stay tuned tomorrow as we dive into douchebag number three, the one who tried to turn me into something that I'm not. And this is not a love relationship, my friends. This was a work relationship. This was actually a boss. This is a very entertaining story and one I am very excited to share. So stay tuned for tomorrow.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 31:17

That episode will be live at 9 am Eastern time. Give or take, I'm never really good with time, but that is that's pretty much where we end off today. If you've ever dated a douchebag, please let me know. If you've got a question that you want me to answer or anything that you're struggling with, curious about or dying to know, email me at mariethefemcoachcom. Who knows, you just might inspire the next episode of the Femcast. And stay tuned for more details on the douchebag detox masterclass that'll be coming out shortly. If you love this episode, please leave a rating and review on Apple Podcast or Spotify or wherever you're listening to this. It would really help me get this podcast and this message out into the world. That is all for now, until next time, massive love.