Celebrating another trip around the sun isn't just about cake and candles for me; it's a time of deep reflection and massive celebration. Not to mention, a real good excuse to have some much needed fun. Because dammit...I earned it😂
That's why, as I step into my 50th year, I'm shaking things up with this month's episode of The Femme Cast, with an episode that I am calling 'the gummy episode.'
That's right. Consider this your exclusive VIP pass to the unfiltered, uncensored, and utterly unapologetic side of me, all thanks to a little help from a yummy little intoxicating treat.
This episode is for you if you're a woman who:
From lessons learned in love and life, to the bold choices I've made along the way, this podcast gives you a peek behind the curtain of what it means to navigate the complexities of personal growth and societal expectations, as a woman.
Let's do this.
Are you ready to create a massive uplevel in your life and relationships? If so, use the link below to book your 90-minute Uplevel + Flow Intensive. This is a powerful 90-minute session where we go deep to energetically shift one relationship pattern you are ready to break free from, so you can magnetize more loving and supportive relationships without the chase...just flow!
https://thefemmecast.com/uplevel-and-flow-intensive
Are you ready to begin your heart healing journey today and manifest the love that you desire? If so, use the link below to register for my Uplevel + Flow Meditation Series . A 3 part series designed to help you heal from heartbreak and manifest love you've always wanted, but never thought you would find.
https://thefemmecast.ck.page/meditations
Are you ready to rewrite your love story + glow from the inside out as you become a magnet for the love you've always known you deserved? If so, use the link below to register for my 21 Day Radical Self-Love Challenge.
https://thefemmecast.ck.page/21daychallenge
Celebrating another trip around the sun isn't just about cake and candles for me; it's a time of deep reflection and massive celebration. Not to mention, a real good excuse to have some much needed fun. Because dammit...I earned it😂
That's why, as I step into my 50th year, I'm shaking things up with this month's episode of The Femme Cast, with an episode that I am calling 'the gummy episode.'
That's right. Consider this your exclusive VIP pass to the unfiltered, uncensored, and utterly unapologetic side of me, all thanks to a little help from a yummy little intoxicating treat.
This episode is for you if you're a woman who:
From lessons learned in love and life, to the bold choices I've made along the way, this podcast gives you a peek behind the curtain of what it means to navigate the complexities of personal growth and societal expectations, as a woman.
Let's do this.
Are you ready to create a massive uplevel in your life and relationships? If so, use the link below to book your 90-minute Uplevel + Flow Intensive. This is a powerful 90-minute session where we go deep to energetically shift one relationship pattern you are ready to break free from, so you can magnetize more loving and supportive relationships without the chase...just flow!
https://thefemmecast.com/uplevel-and-flow-intensive
Are you ready to begin your heart healing journey today and manifest the love that you desire? If so, use the link below to register for my Uplevel + Flow Meditation Series . A 3 part series designed to help you heal from heartbreak and manifest love you've always wanted, but never thought you would find.
https://thefemmecast.ck.page/meditations
Are you ready to rewrite your love story + glow from the inside out as you become a magnet for the love you've always known you deserved? If so, use the link below to register for my 21 Day Radical Self-Love Challenge.
https://thefemmecast.ck.page/21daychallenge
Hey you guys, what is up? And welcome back to the show. I am so excited and grateful to have you here. We're having fun again. It is my birthday month, so I wanna keep it light. I wanna keep it fun.
Speaker 1:I'm doing something a bit off the cuff today, so bear with me because I may have to do this in a couple of takes. We'll see what happens. But there has been this trend that I'm seeing in the world of podcasting and I wanted to get on it because I just needed to. I just it sounded like so much fun. I'm already giddy. But basically what I've seen out, there is a lot of people doing these gummy episodes, right, where you take a gummy before you hit that record button and just kind of see what happens. So we're doing it. I've taken a gummy. It was about an hour ago. It was actually it wasn't even a full gummy, it was about half a gummy. I've taken it about an hour ago. I am just starting to feel the effects. It's feeling pretty good. But I kept it light because I know I'm a lightweight. For anybody who knew me back in college or in high school, everyone knew I was a one-hit wonder. It didn't take much. So I erred on the side of caution and only took a single gummy. So we'll see what happens. I can tell already that my what's it called, not my vocabulary, but the pronunciation of my words is just a bit off. So we're going to try and work with it.
Speaker 1:But today I kind of wanted to have some fun with you guys Again. You know my 50th is just a couple of weeks away and you know I just wanted to do a special episode called Unhinged 10 worth of bad. There we go 10 years worth of unspoken truths and dirty laundry. The gummy episode you heard it here and these are also kind of the top five questions that I get asked from people when I'm out and about and just kind of meeting people and talking about what I do and about the podcast, right, so I may throw in a couple more. I've got five in here as a backup, on the intention that I'll think of more as I'm talking.
Speaker 1:I kind of wanted to leave this very what's it? Very organic. I wanted it to feel more like a conversation rather than a planned checklist of things that I wanted to talk about, but I felt like I needed to have just a backup to get me started. So here we go. It's going to be like a sex in the city meets, a heart to heart session with your bestie over cocktails or, in this case, gummies. So yeah, and the reason why I'm kind of doing this is because, honestly, for me you know, you guys know this, you know, being a people pleaser, speaking my truth, was probably one of the scariest things I'd ever done.
Speaker 1:Starting this podcast was such a healing experience for me and being able to share my story and share what I've learned and share what I've experienced, and being able to do it really fully and unapologetically. But I do still sometimes hold back a little bit. So I just wanted to give myself a little bit of an edge today and we'll see what happens. I may post this, I may not, we shall see. But in any case, with only a few weeks left until my 50th, I am just ready to answer some of these questions and get to some of the dirt and the dirty laundry of the last 10 years.
Speaker 1:Honestly, it all started probably right around the time of my 40th birthday, was when kind of shit hit the fan, and that whole year, my 40th year, was literally an undoing of my life. So I've literally done. I spent the last 10 years rebuilding, learning, healing, growing, evolving, falling a couple of times, screwing it up many times. But I've learned a lot and I feel, like you know, coming up on this 10 year anniversary to when it all began, like I am really proud of what I've been through and I'm really proud of the woman that I've become. I'm, you know, nowhere near the finish line yet, but you know I've still got a ways to go, but I'm so excited about some of the changes that are happening and some of the moves that I've made over the last few years. You know, I really wanted to take a minute to kind of honor that. Right, I know, the last episode was that last episode. See, it's happening, it's happening. The last episode was called From Breakthrough or From Breakdown to Breakthrough or something like that, you know, and that was a more kind of chronological summary of the last 10 years.
Speaker 1:This is a little bit different, right, we're going to get a little bit. We're going to get a little bit closer on this. One had to pause and clear my throat. I'm starting, okay, yeah, it's definitely kicking in, so I'm going to sound a little bit raspy. This is just what happens when I'm under the influence I don't know, it's my Phoebe voice, just that episode of Friends when Phoebe had the cold. So just go with it. So we're going to talk a little bit about, you know, coming up on the 10 year anniversary, we're going to talk about some of the mysteries behind why I don't have kids. That's a common question.
Speaker 1:I get asked how I navigated being single through most of my 40s to the glamorous not so glamorous tales of all my douchey exes and why no one ever knew of them until recently. So consider this my VIP access to my very unfiltered, uncensored, utterly unapologetic life. This episode is for you if you're a woman who's I don't know maybe navigating a midlife transition in her 40s, going through significant life changes, making some big, bold moves and decisions and just reflecting on the past while looking towards the future. Going through significant life changes, making some big, bold moves and decisions and just reflecting on the past while looking towards the future. Or if you're just a woman who loves some girl-to-girl conversation and just some good, old-fashioned Sex and the City vibe stories. Not that this is anything Sex and the City, it's not that great but it is my story, so we'll tell it that way. This episode is for you, so let's get into it.
Speaker 1:Okay, so one of the most common questions that I get asked, and I've been asked this very frequently in the last several months since I published the Douchebag Diaries on the podcast. If you haven't listened to those, go check those out. You know, no one ever knew about these juice, that douche bags. Oh, it's happening. This was a bad idea. Um, no one knew. Um, you know, like, they knew I was dating them. They knew of them, right, they knew their relationships went south. They knew I probably wasn't the happiest I'd been in a relationship, but they didn't know what was going on behind the scenes. They didn't know about the lying, the cheating, the gaslighting, the emotional abuse that I was taking on and basically, they had no clue what was going on behind closed doors.
Speaker 1:And so you know, when I published the series, a lot of people came up to me and said, hey, listen, like you know, we knew you weren't happy in those relationships. We knew they weren't really for you, they weren't the healthiest of relationships, but why didn't you ever tell us, you know what, what was going on, why you guys broke up, what the arguments were about or how they were treating you Like it was just all a big mystery. And I did a lot of reflection on that in the last year, you know, and and really tried to think, you know, why didn't I, why didn't I share with more people when I was being cheated on, when I was being lied to and I was being manipulated, when I was being taken advantage of, right? I kept all that hidden to myself and I was trying to pretend that these relationships were just like I was just putting them on a pedestal and I was making them seem really great. And you know, with there were a couple of exceptions that were actually really great relationships, but for the most part they were douchebags, you know, and I was just kind of making them, painting them out to be Prince Charming.
Speaker 1:And I did a lot of reflection on this. You guys like, why would I have covered that up? Number one I was ashamed to admit how little I was actually settling for and that, you know, I was accepting being treated as an option, right, and so there was an element of not wanting to admit how much I was settling, how low my self-esteem and my self-worth really was at that point, especially after the breakdown of my marriage. So I didn't want it, I didn't want to make that known. I don't think I even wanted to make it known to myself. I think I was lying to myself just as much as I was lying to them, because I think there was a deep, wounded part of me that didn't want to face this ugliness that I saw inside of me at the time, that didn't want to face all this unworthiness, all this shame, all this guilt, all this not enoughness that had been, you know, so deep inside me for so long. That had just, wow, did it intensify by my 40th right, and I didn't want to look at it. I didn't want to go there and I didn't want other people to see it either. I wanted other people to truly believe that I had all my shit together, that, you know, the relationship was great. This one was going to be it. It was going to be my happily ever after.
Speaker 1:I was confident, I was beautiful, and that's all I wanted people to think when they saw me. I wanted them to see a beautiful, confident woman who had her shit together. Whether it was beautiful or not irrelevant, you know, it's the feeling, right, um, and, and that's all that mattered to me. You know, it was like I could have. I could be going through so many things, um, and I would never want to show it to anybody because I didn't want them to see me broken. I guess I didn't want them to see me wounded. I didn't want them to see me broken. I guess I didn't want them to see me wounded. I didn't want them to see me in my unworthiness. I wanted them to see me when I was feeling my best and to believe that that's who I was all the time.
Speaker 1:You know, lesson this was a massive life lesson for me and I think in the last 10 years, you know, especially with, you know, publishing this podcast, it's something that I've been really working to heal tremendously and it's not been an easy task and definitely this podcast has totally helped me in that journey. But you know, it's still something that I often struggle with right and now it's different. Now it's not about now. It's not so much about, you know, it's still something that I often struggle with Right and now it's different. Now it's not about now. It's not so much about, you know, making sure people think that I have my shit together. It's more about, you know, I'm OK with not being like, like I don't, I don't need to be, I don't need people to think that I have all my shit together is what I'm trying to say. I don't need people to think that, you know, shit's perfect, but I, there is a part of me that is still afraid of people judging me or getting upset at something that I say, and you know that kind of thing. So it's still there to a degree, but it's a hell of a lot better than it was before. But you know.
Speaker 1:So you know I didn't say a lot of what was going on because I made it mean something about who I was and how I felt about myself, and so a lot of people often ask who was the douchebag of them all? I will not name names or, sorry, the biggest douchebag of them all? I will not name names. I will say this they were all very douchey. I'm embarrassed to admit how douchey some of them actually were.
Speaker 1:Um, the one who was probably the douchiest, was the last uh, no, second, sorry, second last um that I would have broken up with right before my 40th. So around that time, um. After that, a couple of years later, um was the next, the next guy, but honestly, he wasn't even a douchebag. I categorize him as a douchebag, but the guy he really wasn't a douchebag, he's a sweetheart. Um, so I can't I can't actually call him a douchebag, but anyway, um him, I wish well, I always do, and I do think about him from time to time and send him blessings, because he was really. He wasn't perfect, he had his own kind of toxic traits and whatnot, but he was proof that what I was doing was working and it was after him I kind of went on the relationship hiatus. So, yeah, he was a good guy. The guy before him that was probably the douchiest of the douchiest and that was probably.
Speaker 1:It was a big part of sort of setting the stage for my undoing. Like, there was a lot of things going on around the same time. There was things with my career, friendship circles In this case you know my personal relationships. There was just, you know my financial situation. There was a lot of things that were falling by the wayside and that were taking a real big hit, and that was one of them and it really led to the whole blowing up of my life era. So it was a really important part of my life. I don't think I would have made the same decisions. It was a really important part of my life. I don't think I would have made the same decisions had I not gone through that experience right in that year. So for that, you know, I'm kind of grateful that it happened.
Speaker 1:But when I think about it, it's the cringeworthy memories. You know, you always have that one relationship Okay, maybe there's a couple that are kind of cringeworthy, but that's probably the most cringeworthy of all of them. Like, when I think back to how badly I was settling in this relationship. Like I can remember and well, I kind of did this for all of them I can remember, like man, just like keeping my entire calendar on the weekend off limits until I, until, maybe by some fluke, they might call me to make plans and I would be ready for these plans like weeks before, like not weeks days before, you know, kind of like planning what the weekend was going to look like, what chores I was going to get done in case they come over, when I was going to do my laundry, what I was going to have in my fridge, when am I going to shave my legs, what am I going to wear, like it was like all like methodically planned out and ready by Friday. In case you know, I got a call on Saturday to hang out or whatever. So lots of, lots of lesson learned, lessons learned in that period.
Speaker 1:Let me tell you, being single in your 40s is no joke. It's a very different ball game. Okay, next question why don't you have kids? So I'm going to go on a bit of a tangent with this one, and I have no shame in going on in this tangent because I'll tell you, the women who love me and who know me have not asked me this question. It's other women who have asked this question and I'm going to throw a little bit of shade.
Speaker 1:We, as women, have got to stop asking women and asking them to explain themselves as to why they don't have children. There are a million reasons why, unless you're actually asking out of concern, but I can tell you nine out of 10 times it's not out of concern, it's out of judgment, and you can actually keep your judgments to yourself, because there is 101 reasons why women are not having kids these days and it is no one's fucking business to judge or to ask for an explanation as to why. And women need to stop doing this to other women because, yes, I absolutely revere mothers and I give them all my respect and credit. But that doesn't give you right to throw shade to other women who don't have children, and I see that a lot and it absolutely has to stop.
Speaker 1:There is a ton of women out there who either are choosing not to have kids because they don't wanna have kids, kids or, you know, maybe they're they're in a relationship that isn't conducive to having children. Maybe they cannot have children, maybe they've tried to have children and they can't. Maybe they've had tried to have children and they've lost one, maybe they've. There's a million. There's a million, a million different reasons out there that women appear to not have children and it's not our place to ask for a justification or an explanation as to why. Please, I'm asking you, from woman to woman, to stop asking women that question.
Speaker 1:I will tell you the reason why I didn't have kids was never because I didn't want to have kids. So there were a few haters out there who at the time were saying that I didn't want to have kids because I was too selfish, I was focused on my career, I didn't want to ruin my body, yada, yada, yada. None of those reasons were true. The actual reasons why. The actual reason why I didn't have children was because, at the time, I was in a relationship that was not conducive to bringing a child into this world. There was fighting, there was lying, there was manipulation, there was cheating, there was gaslighting. I was not about to bring a child into that world. And, second of all, even if I wanted to bring a child into that world which, deep down, I did not, every time I talked about it it became a trigger point for my partner. So, and you know what, there wasn't a hell of a lot going on in order to make a baby, because all the action was happening outside the home, if you know what I mean. So that is the reason why I don't have children.
Speaker 1:So, for those of you who have asked the question, you now have the answer, so you can stop asking. And for those of you who never asked, for an explanation, thank you and I love you, and you are the kind of women that we need to have, all of us need to have, as friends in our lives. So thank you for always having my back. Okay, this one's fun, and only those who are close to me will know this. Why are you always in long distance relationship.
Speaker 1:I have to like, the last few relationships that I've had have all been long distance. Initially, I'm not gonna lie, I thought it was a little fucked up. I was like, wait, am I like? Like, is this my? And I think maybe at some point, I think it was. I think it was a bit of a safety net, because I had this massive fear of being vulnerable and being intimate with people. After what I had experienced with the douchebags, it took me a long time to feel safe. You know being vulnerable again, and so I think why I always keep manifesting these long distance relationships with men is firstly because of that.
Speaker 1:But even as that wore off, I got to tell you, having dated men from you know, not not North American, non-north American men for quite some time, um, I really do like them better. I'm sorry. Here's the thing. Ladies, hear me out Like I think, um, and guys, if you're listening, just take some fucking notes, because it's really simple. Ladies, you know, let's see if we can I don't know create some intention for a change in the North American population so women can actually feel great getting out there and dating again, right, like it's so simple.
Speaker 1:Um, I have found a massive difference, because, you know I will. I will contrast North American men kind of. You know, when it comes to conversation, they will answer all your questions. They will typically try and be honest and respectful, hopefully. Um, there have been exceptions. I won't even go there. Don't even get me started with online dating.
Speaker 1:That's another podcast episode of its own, um, but, um, you know, a a a European, specifically European, and South American men are. They're just bred differently. I'm sorry, I have to say it. There's a cultural, real cultural difference that I have noticed dating cross-culture individuals, if that's the right term to use, right, and this doesn't mean it's not listen. It's not about actual ethnicity. It's actually about the environment in which you've grown up in, because I've dated multicultural men in North America and they're very North American too. They're not much different, you know they've got.
Speaker 1:Whatever I'm going to say right now is for all North American men, regardless of their ethnicity, as far as I and again, there's always exceptions to every world rule, but this is how I've experienced them. Okay, and so for me, like I see this very, very like severe contrast to non-North American men, specifically men who've grown up in Europe or South America. It is just a completely different vibe, level of playing field, like you guys gotta step it up a notch, I'm sorry. Okay, um, honestly, I guess the difference would be, you know, like, like I was, I was getting to say you know North American men, you know, having a conversation with a North American man, yeah, he'll answer all your questions.
Speaker 1:For the most part, if he's a decent guy, he will answer all your questions. He will be honest, he will give you complete answers. But they don't ask a lot of questions, right? European men and South American? No, they know to ask questions, they know to look at you when they ask you these questions and they know to listen to the answer, even if they're not actually listening. They look like they're listening and that's honestly all it takes sometimes. But, honestly, like they ask questions, they show interest, they listen to what you're saying. Some of them they even retain it. Right, they'll remember a story you told them six months ago about your favorite I don't know flavor of candy and they will remember that. And they will show up one day and just hear the little things, little, little, little things. They'll remember.
Speaker 1:You know, I can remember nine out of 10 times, north American boyfriends. They're the ones texting you what do you want for tomorrow, for Valentine's day, babe? Let me get you something pretty. You know it's like it's just a different vibe altogether, I think. Also, you know they are very, they are much more romantic. They're not as much into, they're more. I find that they're more and it's a very cultural difference, you guys. I find them more into connecting with people and this is not just with you, this is with everybody. Like they're more into one on one connections, conversations, kind of hanging out, whereas we're always on our phones, we're always on our gadgets, right, and that's how we kind of communicate. And so even when we're in rooms together, you see couples all the time in restaurants and they're each of them are on their phones and talking to other people when they should be talking to each other. Like you see that a lot and that's kind of a norm. So that's something that I experienced very differently in dating.
Speaker 1:You know multicultural men and I think the third thing is that they're just very flattering and complimentary. Like a little chivalry goes a long way. You know, a little compliment, a little I am not opposed to holding my door, just saying Not opposed to that whatsoever Little things like that go a long way, little gestures like that, and that I think you know what. I think we as women are to blame and it's not you know I don't want to open up this liberated woman's debate, you know. But you know, I do think that you know we can be treated as equals, we can be treated like. You know we're both capable of doing amazing things and you know we both can accomplish great things in our lives and we can, you know, kind of support each other in being the best version of ourselves.
Speaker 1:I think that's what an ideal relationship is and that really is where you know both people are equal and I think that, you know, showing signs of respect and affection to one another is a beautiful thing and I think that's one of the ways, traditionally, men like to show women that, and I think you know women have other ways of wanting to show men that and I don't think that there's anything wrong with that. I think we need to stop shading how, you know we show respect and admiration for one another, as long as it is absolutely reciprocal and you know, as long as we're, you know we're speaking in terms of, you know, power in the relationship. If I say you know one more time, I swear I'm going to slap myself but the level of you know, power in the relationship If I say you know one more time, I swear I'm going to slot myself but the level of you know, an equilibrium of power in the relationship where each individual feels equally seen, heard and witnessed, I think is healthy. And you know, we don't need to, you know, take all these little beautiful gestures of how we admire and support each other away, like, I think it can be two separate conversations. You know it's different if we're talking about women having, you know, less authority and less power in this world than men, being paid less, which we know is a thing and it's still happening, which we know. You know ageism is more common than men among women, especially in the workplace. We know that women, you know, move up the ranks or in leadership roles far less than men. So we do still see some very real imbalances and I think those need to be addressed. But I think we can put the opening card doors to bed. You guys, it's not a big thing, like, it is just a way and maybe this is just cultural, for me too, it's just a way of showing respect to someone, admiration for someone, thoughtfulness. It's not about you know, we're too delicate to open our own door. It's nothing like that. I think that's been totally like misinterpreted completely. So that's just my stance. I mean, take it or leave it. Maybe you hate people opening your car door, that's fine, but I think we can all benefit from you know, there's bigger issues for us to kind of talk about, right? At least I think so. So, thank God, I got snacks. I think I'm about to get the munchies. So I came prepared. I bought me a bag of Miss Vickie's and a Klondike bar, so we'll see what happens. I love ice cream, you guys bar, so we'll see what happens. I love ice cream, you guys.
Speaker 1:Okay, have you ever cheated? I am proud to say hold on as I adjust myself in my chair. I am very proud to say that I've never cheated, ever once in my life, not even in high school. I am loyal to a fault. I think one time I kissed someone when I had just started dating my ex, but we hadn't I mean we hadn't officially become official yet but I mean it was what kind of those like unspoken things where you kind of knew each of you was official. We just didn't say it because each one of us was kind of afraid to say it to the other. And I did kiss someone one night when we were out separately with our friends and I felt so shitty for it and I just I kept comforting myself by saying you know what? We're not official yet, so the rules are fine.
Speaker 1:But honestly, like I have never cheated on anyone ever, but honestly, like I have never cheated on anyone ever, I probably thought about it, especially in my last like long term relationship where I mean there was just nothing happening. Guys Like I was at my sexual peak and there was nothing going on behind the doors. So yeah, I probably thought about it, but I never followed through on it. Yeah, I probably thought about it, but I never followed through on it. I think I probably had an emotional affair towards the end of the relationship, just because I was feeling so isolated and alone. But I think I started what can only be described as an emotional affair where you know someone that you talk to all the time, kind of flirt with, kind of wish there was something there with. But nothing ever happens, everything ever comes of it. But there was a lot of intimate things that were shared, which to me you know that that is, that is still a form of infidelity. I've never had sex with anyone behind my partner's back, I've never like made out like, never done anything shady like that.
Speaker 1:But there was an emotional connection that I had towards the end of my last real long-term relationship and that was just. I mean, we were already falling apart at that point and it was obvious and the conversations had been had. So it wasn't something that wasn't, you know, we weren't trying to address. We had been trying to address it for a long time and it was just it was done. So, um, I think we were probably, it was probably in the last few months, I think Um, but again, I mean that was as far as it went. It didn't go any farther than that. Um, I really didn't start seeing anybody again until after things were, you know, done officially, didn't take long.
Speaker 1:I will say this I never cheated, but I didn't have much of a cooling off period. I had like, honestly, like, when I think about it, especially when it came out of that relationship. You know, I had been so lonely for so long in that relationship that I think I came out of, came out of it like a bat out of hell, to be quite honest, which leads me to my next conversation. How many partners have you had? That is my next most common question that I get. And I was. It sounds okay. So here's my, here's my thought process on this. Okay, up until when I was single again in my late thirties, you know, I hadn't had that many partners. I could probably count on one hand how many partners I had, to be honest, and if it wasn't one hand, it was pretty dang close. You know what I mean to be honest, and if it wasn't one hand, it was pretty dang close. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Then I got into a long-term, 15-year relationship where, like I said, there was, for the most of that relationship, nothing going on and I was literally like I was in my sexual peak. You guys, this was not a good situation. It was actually a very bad situation. So I don't think an hour no, that's not true Maybe like a week went by before I was out there dating again. And this is a 15 year relationship. Like you kind of want to take your time to heal. You know what I mean. I didn't. I did not, I. It was like.
Speaker 1:Dating was like it was like my drug du jour, like I'm on, I'm on. I was going to say bunnies, gummies today. But man dating was my. Men were my drug at the time and I had a lot of healing to do. I had a lot of wounds that needed filling. I had a lot of self-worth issues that I needed to sift through and look at. I wasn't doing none of it.
Speaker 1:I went so hardcore, back into the dating scene, hence why all the douchebags. I settled for breadcrumbs, like less than breadcrumbs. All so I can get a little bit of affection and attention from men so I could feel good about myself, because I was so desperate to feel good. So to answer the question, how many partners have I had? I don't exactly know, and that's only because I said to myself self, before we record this podcast, why don't you kind of sit down and write? And the very fact that I had to actually say that to myself was like, wow, this is bad. I don't know if I want to write it down, I don't know if I want to know the number, so I never wrote it down, so I can't tell you. But I can tell you this Before that relationship happened, I could probably count on one hand, how many partners I'd been with In the two or three short years between that relationship ending and my big relationship hiatus.
Speaker 1:I can't, I can't count, I don't know. I'd have to actually sit down with pen and paper, write down their names. If I remember them, because a couple of them I actually don't like I'm. I'm seeing them in my mind right now and I'm not remembering them. Um, oh my god, I can't believe I'm talking about this, um, but anyway. Um, the question I was answering was I don't know. I had to pause there so I can remember the question because I forgot the question I was answering. These are great gummies. I got to try these again. I don't do this ever, you guys.
Speaker 1:I think the last time I took a hit of anything was like 10 years ago, but yeah, so I couldn't tell you that. I only all I know is that shit hit the fan after that long-term relationship broke up and it was. It was hookup palooza, like it was just nuts. But I mean the best part about all that. You know there were so many learning experiences that came out of that and so many healing encounters. Yeah, some of them were really shady and shitty, and you know, but they were good lessons nonetheless. You know what I mean, but I did some incredible healing during that time. I could have done it a lot easier had I taken a time out in between to really process and heal. I did do a lot of prolonging of my healing, so in a lot of ways it actually worked out to. You know, as much as some of the connections that I made I do still value to this day. If I had to do it all over again, I would probably take a pause and really do some of that healing and unraveling before getting into that routine of constantly dating and trying to fill Again great lessons that I get to share with you guys now. So I guess it all worked out for the best, but had I had the chance to do it over again, yeah, I would probably do it differently.
Speaker 1:Okay, I think we have time for a couple more questions. So this actually came from one person. You guys will not know this why do you always date younger men? I have a confession to make. I am always notorious for dating younger men and I don't think that that is something that will ever change. Number one I mean, if you know me, I don't. I mean I don't act like someone my age I don't. I mean, I'm sort of kind of starting to look like someone my age, but I don't act like someone my age. I don't think like someone my age thinks. You know, I'm kind of a younger spirit. So for me, to date somebody who would be my own age, that would be fine, but they would have to have the same kind of fun and attitude and outlook that I have on like, which usually is pretty different from anyone in my age group. That's not to say that they don't exist, I just haven't met them. And so for me, like and that's number one. Number two why are we even asking this question? It is 2020 for people.
Speaker 1:I am so sick and tired of women getting asked why they date younger men when men date younger women all the fucking time, like, it's not even a question why men would date younger women. So why is it being questioned if a woman dates a younger man? And you know what? Again, it is the ladies that are doing most of the judging here. I was on the feed yesterday, on the feed on Instagram yesterday. Okay, I'm scrolling through the feed. I'm going through Kristen Cavallari's post because you know she's announced that she's got her new guy and they're like this big hot thing and they look adorable together and I'm so happy for her.
Speaker 1:But everybody's in the comments like, yo, he's a child. He's not a child, he's a grown man. He's a young man, but he's a grown man and he's capable of making his own decisions. And I know for a fact that a lot of men at that age I think it was like 24 or 25 years old and she's a lot younger than me she's not my age, I mean, but old and she's, you know, she's a lot younger than me. She's not my age, I mean, but she is quite a bit older than him.
Speaker 1:You know they're prone to actually men are almost hardwired to be inclined to commit at the age of 24. I think because, if I remember, you know, being 24, being that age, you know, men were falling in love left and right. As they got older that became a little bit more difficult to do. So I think a man of that age is actually ready for a very serious relationship, maybe even long term, or at least to discuss it Personally again. If I had to do it over again, I mean, I didn't get married that young, but I probably would have waited a little bit longer.
Speaker 1:Um, but yeah, it's very common for men to fall head over heels in love at that age. It's just, I don't know. It's a thing, I see it a lot, I see it all the time. I used to see it back then. I still see it now.
Speaker 1:Um, I find that as you get older, it becomes both of both. Men and women become a little bit less receptive. We become a little bit more mindful. We've learned a few things. We've been burned a few times. You know we've got some baggage that we're carrying. You know it doesn't? It takes a little bit longer, but I think when you're younger, I think you naturally fall in love quickly. So, everybody, fuck off and stop judging the situation and stop telling her that she needs to find a guy her own age. Nobody, ever, ever, would ever say that to a man, and I think it's disgusting that in this day and age, women are saying this to other women.
Speaker 1:So honestly, kristen, if you're out there, I doubt you're listening to this podcast, but on the off chance that you are, fucking, enjoy, live your life, enjoy this relationship. I'm happy for you. You deserve it. Rock it. I love it. I'm here for it. Okay, I think we have time for one more, and I'll just kind of keep this one a little bit general, because I think it's something that we don't talk about enough.
Speaker 1:But, honestly, dating in your 40s if any of you are out there, I mean if you can by any means get your dating, get all the dating out of your system before you're 40s, if you can. It's a whole other can of worms when you turn 40. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it was like a generational gap, I don't know if it or not a generational, what's it called? Like you know, I think it had been 10 years since, or no, what am I saying? Probably 15 years since. I'd been back out in the field playing the field, right? So a lot, a lot fucking changes in that time.
Speaker 1:You know the world of how you meet, change, how you communicate, change we had, you know. Now we have Facebook. We have, we have, as my mom would say, the Facebook, the Twitter, the Instagram. We have all these things to connect with one another, right? We have the TikTok. Honestly, like we didn't have any of this shit. We had a cell phone with text messages. That was it. Life was simple. You know, if you didn't, if you looked at the text and you didn't respond, he didn't know it. And if he looked at the text and didn't respond, you didn't know it. So it was a whole different world. You know, online dating yeah, it was done, but it wasn't the mainstream way. I feel like now it's kind of like the mainstream way to like meet people, especially at this age, because you know you don't want to meet them in bars anymore.
Speaker 1:You certainly ain't putting on a pair of like stilettos to go out and meet them Like. It's just a different way of life, right? So I mean, I still wear pumps, but I can't do the stilettos I used to wear when I was 20. I just can't. They just hurt too much. I don't even know how I walked in them. I was drunk half the time too. Like it is a miracle that I walked in those shoes, honest to God. So you know, be prepared yourself is all I have to say.
Speaker 1:You know, dating in your 40s is tricky because a lot of the rules have changed. I guess is what I'm trying to say. The rules have changed, the people have changed. Everybody's gotten a little bit more jaded and is carrying a little bit more baggage. But I will say this the fun thing about dating in your 40s that you absolutely can look forward to and you can take this from me is you really just give a shit less. You really just give a shit less about what anybody says or thinks. You think twice about who you know you let into your world and who you don't. You know you can be a little bit more discerning. You hold yourself to a higher standard. You hold yourself, your body, to a higher standard. You have a little bit more respect for yourself and you know what you're not going to settle for and you know what. You know what can be a lot of fun for you and you know what's not going to be a lot of fun for you and you know exactly what it is you're looking for and you just kind of go for it and you just cut the bullshit. You cut right through the bullshit Like you're not going to waste your time, hopefully, with anything that you know isn't for you or isn't aligned with you and what you want. You know I always say this.
Speaker 1:You know people ask me do you think when you're dating, should you only be dating people who are looking to be in a relationship. Well, the first question I ask what are you looking for? Are you looking for a relationship or are you just looking to get out there and just date and get to know people and see what's out there, and see what you like and see what you don't? Because both are very valid. Some people just wanna get out there and have flings. That's valid too.
Speaker 1:The important thing is to figure out first. Out first what do you want and then, when you know what you want, make sure that the other person is aligned with what you want. So maybe you know people push back on this, but you don't know if you're going to be in a relationship until you really get to know them. That's true, right. But both parties should want to be in a relationship. Both parties should be out there playing the field in order to find their happily ever after, and if both people want that, then you know you have aligned intentions.
Speaker 1:If one person is looking for their happily ever after and the other person is just looking for a happy one night, happy ending tonight, you know, you know, but before the night's done, then you know you're you're not on the same page, right? So I think that hopefully, in your 40s, you know exactly what page you're on and you know you're not on the same page, right? So I think that hopefully, in your 40s, you know exactly what page you're on and you know exactly what page you want them to be on and you ain't gonna settle for anything other than and I think that's the most important thing, it is by far the most empowered I've been in my relationships. You know, having gone through these last, you know, 10 years, through my 40s and now entering my 50s, I still can't believe I'm saying that. You know, you really start to have this really empowered perspective of what it is to be in a relationship with someone, and I think that you really learn who you are and what you can and can't tolerate, and you become less willing to tolerate those things that you no longer can tolerate, I guess is the best way to say it. So you know you're in the position to actually meet some of the best, most profound and meaningful relationships of your life, I think at 50.
Speaker 1:The hard part is committing to the time it takes to find them, which at 50, we don't always have, or we have other priorities, but either way, and that goes for all kinds of relationships, friendships, partners, lovers, whatever it's all out there. We know exactly what we want. We just have to and I'm going to say this make some time, go out there, do the things you love. When you do the things you love, the people you love will find you. You don't need to go out there looking for them. Um, they'll be out there probably doing the exact same thing that you are doing, and you can both meet each other doing the exact same thing together, whatever that is, I don't know beach volleyball, solitaire, I don't know, whatever. Whatever floats your boat, you know. Know that you can meet the person that you're aligned with, just going out there and living your best life and doing your own thing. You don't need to go out there searching under everyone to find them. You don't have time in your 40s, you just don't have time.
Speaker 1:Honestly, it got to the point where online dating for me was such a nightmare. It literally felt like work. I was like, oh my god, I feel like I have another, like I have another freaking social media to check. Now I have my Twitter. I have my because it was check. Now I have my Twitter. I have my Because it was the time of Twitter, my Twitter, my Instagram, my Facebook. I have all these fucking feeds. Now I got this shit that I have to rummage through Left, left, left, left, left, maybe right, no, left, like it was just and left on the profiles, not on the photos, because, let me tell you, some of these profiles dead giveaways that they're not the right guy. But that's also another conversation for another day. So I don't know if I will post this. We shall see.
Speaker 1:Hopefully you got some value out of this. I think it was a little bit more serious than I had intended, but I definitely said a few things that I or shared a few details that I probably wouldn't have otherwise shared. I didn't screw up my words too much. There were a couple of F-ups there, but hopefully you forgive me for those, but I think I held my shit together pretty darn well. Should I have taken more? Nah, because I really had to concentrate to not fumble on my words. So I think if I had taken more if you are still listening you probably would have checked out after about two minutes.
Speaker 1:So, anyway, that is all. Please don't take drugs. This is not in any way, shape or form, condoning you to take this. This is just a fun experiment I wanted to do with my podcast, but anyway. So let me know in the comments if any of this resonated for you. Remember to love yourself the way that you wanna be loved, and I promise you you will be. And if you love this episode, please leave a positive rating and review and try not to condemn me for what I've done tonight. Oh, I love you guys truly, madly deeply, and I will see you next time. Bye.