THIS IS 50 | THE 10 MOST EMPOWERING LESSONS THAT I HAVE LEARNED THAT HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER

I can't believe I'm turning 50 this month!! Join me on The Femme Cast, for a deep dive into my journey of self-discovery and healing as I share the ten most life-changing lessons learned over the past decade. From battling the facade of people-pleasing to finding the courage to let go, this episode is all about embracing the messy, beautiful truth of life. 

This episode is for you if:

• You’ve experienced heartbreak or significant life changes and are seeking inspiration and guidance along your path to healing.
• You’re passionate about your own personal and self-discovery, and are determined to create more loving and fulfilling relationships.
• You enjoy heartfelt storytelling and are drawn to narratives of resilience, self-love, and living your best hot mess life, no matter what life may throw at you.

Are you ready to break free from past chains and step into a life filled with self-love and authenticity? If so, tune in as I share personal stories, resilience, and the empowering journey to living unapologetically. 

Let’s do this. 

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Want more daily inspiration an tips on how you can uplevel your relationships and your life through the art of radical self-love? If so, use the link below to con...

Transcript

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 0:32

Hey guys, what is up and welcome back to the show. I know I always say this, but I am especially excited for today's episode because, by the time you're listening to this, we are kicking off the month of April and therefore we are kicking off my birthday month. Yes, this is 50 y'all. I cannot even believe I'm actually turning 50 this year. I'm in shock. People always ask me look, so what does it feel like? You're gonna be 50 this year? Like, do you feel any different? It's like no.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 1:01

The only thing that I feel is like my body feels like it's 60, but my brain still feels like it's 25. It's the most bizarre feeling in the world, I guess is what they call a midlife crisis. I guess I don't know, but you know what 50 is, at age where every wrinkle tells a story, every scar holds a lesson and every laugh is just confirmation that life is nothing more than a hot mess at best on most dates, and that, my friends, is okay. So I have been on an intense healing journey that literally began on my 48th birthday. So happy healing anniversary to me, cause it literally started on my 40th birthday and it has been a decade of life lessons, heartbreak and healing. So here they are, the 10 most empowering lessons that I've learned that have changed my life forever, and I learned them during a period when my life was the hottest and messiest mess it had ever been. But, as I always have to say, life is better and it's messy anyway. So I'm here for it, it's all good. It's. The last 10 years of taught me anything, it's that pain is inevitable, suffering is optional and we have the power to choose healing, and the healing begins when we truly, truly learn to love ourselves. Okay, so this episode is for you if you've experienced any sort of heartbreak or significant life changes and you're just seeking some inspiration and guidance on the path to healing. This is for you If you're passionate about your own personal growth and self-discovery and are determined to create more loving and fulfilling relationships. If you enjoy a heartfelt storytelling episode and are drawn to narratives of resilience, self-love and just living your best hot mess life, no matter what life might throw at you, then you're in the right place.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 3:00

So just to set the story and set the stage a little bit, circling back to before my 40th birthday, my 40th birthday, I was a pathological people pleaser who had carefully curated every aspect of her life to look nice and shiny on the outside but felt nothing but emptiness and wildly unfulfilled on the inside. It was smoke and mirrors, honestly, in an attempt to please all the relationships that were never really mine to begin with and relationships that would abandon and reject me and repeatedly make me feel like I was not enough. So I was basically living and playing this part to please these relationships that, at the end of the day, really didn't matter and weren't really mine to begin with. And so life felt very empty for me, because it was all about what people were seeing externally versus how my life really resonated for me internally, and that part was completely void. And so hence why a lot of people would say to me but when I would talk to them about, I'm feeling deeply unhappy and I'm very unfulfilled but why? You have everything, I have everything that everyone else would have wanted, but I didn't really have the things that I really wanted.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 4:24

And so there was this massive disconnect with who I was, who I wanted to be in the life that I was actually living, right, so before my 40th, maybe the couple of years leading up to my 40th, life started falling apart for me, like in every corner in every area, like things just started to crumble to pieces and I was using all of my energy and focus trying to just hold it all together right the home, the career, the relationships, all of it just begging for me to let it slip through my fingers and just be done right. And I think part of me was begging just let this shit go. Like it's not making you happy, like why are you fighting for it? But I was born in April. I'm a tourist boo, so you know I'm stubborn as fuck. So I held on as long as I could. Oh hail being a tourist. We never quit, even when it becomes unhealthy for us.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 5:27

But that's just the way the cookie crumbles, I guess, until I basically had a nervous breakdown trying to manage and hold together all those relationships in my life and everything that was crumbling and falling apart. Not to mention how broken I was on the inside after pretending I wasn't in pain for all those years and I wasn't in sadness, right, trying to put on this happy face all the time and pretending like I had it all together when I really didn't had a nervous breakdown and I had no choice but to let go. I was too. It just became too exhausting to hold on to a life that was never meant for me. Mentally, physically and emotionally, it had burned me out.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 6:15

I was just, I was done, and so, like I mentioned in this and several other podcasts, I blew it up. I blew it all up. I didn't even blow it up, actually, you know what I did. It wasn't a. There was a bit of okay, maybe there was a bit of blowing up. Yeah, I probably put a little bit of TNT to it, but there was just a lot of letting go and letting the pieces fall where they may, really, because it was all begging to be let go of anyway. So it wasn't like I had to like. Okay, maybe I lit a match here or there, but it wasn't like I had to set the whole town on fire. You know what I mean. But I let it all go and decided to just start over again from scratch.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 6:56

Right, square one, what does life look like now, beyond these last 40 years? And so I spent the next 10 years trying to rebuild a life that was really more authentic to me and trying to undo all the damage that I had done in the first 40 years, trying to live up to everybody else's expectations. Ah, I swear. There's days, you know, I say things and I get such like a pleasant, like release, like I always want to light a cigarette, like that was so like hard to actually say that, but anyway, I don't smoke anymore, so that's not gonna happen Anyway. So here they are. These are the 10 most empowering lessons that I learned during that time that forever changed my life and helped me to bake free from my people pleasing tendencies once and for all.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 7:48

Okay, here we are. No order or rhyme or reason. We're just gonna read these off the top. Number one okay, very important. If they wanna leave, don't just let them leave. Hold the fucking door open for them and say thank you on their way out for like literally sparing you the headache of having to keep someone in your life that doesn't wanna be there. I cannot tell you how much energy, precious, precious life force energy I have wasted trying to hold on to people, places and things that did not want to be in my life anymore that we're kind of half-assing it.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 8:28

You know they were kind of showing up, but kind of not really. You knew that there was, like you just knew they didn't wanna be there with you. You know they weren't on the merry-go-round with you. They didn't wanna be anywhere near you, they didn't wanna be in the park with you, but for some reason they just kept kind of sticking around, whether it was a convenience thing or a benefits thing or whatever. Just let them go. You know, it may sting a little bit at first, because maybe you got your hopes up mentally that it was gonna be something greater than it really was, and maybe you got attached to that imagination of greater, that picture of greater that you had painted in your mind. But it was an illusion, it was never real. All you had to really go on was who they were showing up as day in and day out. And really, when you took the illusion out of it and just you know, stuck with the facts as to who they were showing up, as they weren't that great. So let them go. Peace out, bye-bye.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 9:26

Stop trying to hold on to people that just don't wanna be there. And even you know I find this so much where it's like you know you keep thinking like, oh well, if you run into them again or if you talk to them again, or if you make this excuse to call them or fuck, stop, just stop it, stop the madness, stop the insanity, stop trying to hold on to people that have made it clear that they don't wanna be part of your world anymore. Right, and this is beyond like. I mean, this went into, like this would go as far as not just people who were half-assing, but people who clearly had said in one way or another, either by their actions or by their words or by their body language, that they didn't wanna be in my you know, in relationship with me anymore, and still looking for excuses or ways to run into them or contact them or message them or like their posts on Facebook or see if they're checking my stories or whatever. Let it fucking go Like.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 10:22

If they've told you mentally, physically or emotionally that they don't want to be attached to you in any way, that they don't want to be part of your world and in your space, let them go. You deserve somebody who wants to be with you wholeheartedly, who enjoys being with you, who loves everything about you. Maybe you have some quirks that annoy the crap out of them, and that's fine, right, we all do. None of us are perfect, but for the most part, they love you and they don't want to change a thing about you and they enjoy spending time with you and they love to make plans with you and they can't wait to be with you and they love to hear your voice on the other end of the phone assuming, of course, you're not calling them 20 times a fucking day. Come on, get a grip. But do you see what I'm saying? Do you see what the difference in that is? Wouldn't you rather have that than somebody that you have to convince to stay with you? Why convince anyone? Hold out for somebody who actually wants to be there with you and this goes beyond just partners, this goes with friendships, any relationship really Choose the people who want to choose you.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 11:34

By choosing the people who choose you, you're making a declaration to the universe and saying listen, I'm only available for people who are choosing me. I am not available for people who don't choose me. Don't give me anymore of that crap. I'm not available for it. I'm not here for it. I'm not aligned to that. It's not my vibe. My vibe is people who choose me and stick with that. Let that be your navigation in terms of what relationships you're going to invest in and which ones you will. Then you can still choose. You still have the right to choose.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 12:08

Just because somebody chooses you doesn't mean you automatically need to choose them. If they choose you and you choose them and it's amicable and it's great and everybody gets along beautiful. If they choose you and you don't choose them, then be honest and say you know what. I think you're great, wrong place, wrong time, wrong, whatever you know, be honest, be fair, be honest, be kind, be courteous and really be mindful of other people's feelings. Don't use or take advantage of anyone. That's just to me. That's just being a good person. That's just putting out good karma. I refuse to put out bad karma and treat people badly. I know what it's like to get treated badly, so I would never do that to anybody else.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 12:54

Make that call for yourself. Do the good thing, do the right thing and just be honest and mindful of people's feelings. That's number one. That's rant. Number one over Number two if it or they require you to be someone or something that you're not, it's not for you, no matter how much you might think it is. Again, this goes for relationships, friendships, careers Doesn't matter. If anything requires you to put on a mask and be anything other than the truest expression of your authentic self, it is not for you. Let that shit go Bye. Thanks, peace out. Not this day, not this place, not this lifetime. The things that are meant for you will find you and will be with you when you're being the most authentic expression of yourself. That's when you know things are meant for you.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 16:31

That's not to say that we don't have things that we need to improve on or quirks that we need to address or ways that we can be a better human. We can all be better humans. We all have that capacity to be better humans, but that doesn't mean we're inherently flawed. That doesn't mean that there's something wrong with us. That doesn't mean that there's something about us that needs to be fixed, changed or corrected or presented differently or presented in a better light. Fuck that.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 17:03

I spent a lifetime trying to be something that I wasn't and trying to show up inauthentically and trying to hide my true feelings. Pretending I was confident when I was insecure as fuck. Pretending that I was happy when I was struggling with depression and anxiety. Pretending that I was fulfilled when my job bloated and my relationship was basically like roommates, like living together, side by side without any intimacy whatsoever. It boggles my mind how much effort we put into how good our life looks and our relationships look versus how they actually feel. That really needs to be the North Star. It feels good.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 17:51

I mean good in a healthy way, not good in an egoic way the kind of good that gives you this long-lasting sensation of satisfaction and peace with your life and fulfillment with your life. That's when you know you're in the right direction. That's not to say that you're not going to have bad days. Of course you're going to have bad days. Of course there's going to be days where life sucks and that's okay, but for the most part you're happy with the direction that your life is going. You're happy with the kinds of relationships that you have in your space and you're surrounded by people who love you for who you are and who appreciate your unique perspective, characteristics, points of view, whatever you know. That's when you know you're in the right places.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 18:40

Which kind of leads me to my next point, which is I would challenge each and every one of you to walk into the room. Walk into any room, any crowded room, as the real. You Pay attention to who leaves. They ain't your people. Pay attention who does stay in the room with you and who does congregate around you. Those are your peeps. Those are the people you want to build relationships with. Those are the people you want to invest in. Those are the people you want to say hey, what are you guys doing next week? Let's go grab a coffee on Tuesday night and shoot the shit Again. Friendships, workplace friends, careers, partners, everything.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 19:26

You find the people who naturally gravitate to you when you're being the most authentic expression of yourself. Those are the relationships you want to invest in. What the ones you've been trying to pretend for for the last 10, 20, 30, freaking years, 40. You know, those aren't the ones, the ones that you're meant to hang out with and spend time with, are the ones that actually accept you for who you are and if they're really worth investing in. They actually make you believe that you believe more in yourself than you might believe in yourself. Find yourself with people that believe in you even when you don't believe in you, and that's when you're going to be surrounded by people who elevate you. Now, that's not to say that they're always available, that's not to say that they're always convenient, but you know what? You vibe on a very deep and meaningful level and you accept each other for who and what you are and that is the most beautiful thing that you can have in any kind of relationship, any kind. It doesn't matter what it is, alright. Next lesson Choosing to walk away in silence is way more powerful than fighting for that last word.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 20:44

Let me tell you, I have had relationships with some very narcissistic people, and waiting to get in the last word could literally take you to your deathbed. You could spend a lifetime trying to get the last word in, only to ever find out that they will always get the last word. They will continue to one up you and one up you again and again, and again, until you have no more fight left, because you've depleted all your fucking energy trying to get the last word. Why, who cares? They suck. Walk away. Walk away with your dignity, your energy, your life force, energy and your self-respect intact and say nothing and just walk. You don't need to have the last word. You can let them have the last word. You can let them believe that they've won, and that is okay, because you know what. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what they think, especially if they're a toxic, unhealthy partner that you keep getting into these like never ending battles with Letting them think that they've had the last word is far more what's it called Like?

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 22:07

Healthy for your energetic well-being than having to sit there and try and come up with something you know clever to say that's going to shut them up. You can't shut a narcissist up, you just can't. And it doesn't have to be a narcissist. It could be anyone who's always fighting for the last word. Let them have it. Let them think that they've won.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 22:27

Who cares? Your peace, your energetic vibration, your energetic well-being, your emotional well-being is so much more important than that. Stop investing your energy into trying to be right. Have the last word, have the last say. You know. Make them realize that they were wrong and you were right. Why, why? Who cares? You know your truth. You know what you want. You know what you don't want in your life.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 22:55

So stop entertaining and saying yes to something that you don't want, because I'll tell you, by being in a confrontation and continuing to try and maneuver your way into having the last word, you're energetically saying yes to something that you don't want, which is being in conflict. So let that shit go. Let winning go. Let having the last word go. Your energy is so much more valuable than that, and by doing that, what you're saying is you're saying no to engaging in these little back and forth power struggles that we get into in relationships. What you want is real, genuine connection. So you're not going to entertain those little power struggles anymore, because that's not what real, you know relationships are about. They're not about having the last word. They're not about saying, huh, I was right, you were wrong. They're about two people coming together and actually having mutual respect and understanding and honesty with one another, even if sometimes that honesty can maybe be a little bit uncomfortable, and wouldn't you rather say yes to that than the other thing?

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 24:03

So just walk away. Walk away in silence. Let go. Let them think they've won. Who gives a shit? You ain't going to talk to them again anyway. They're a fool. You have bigger, better things to do with your life than to sit here and have this little debate over who said what, who did what and who gets to have the last word. Be done, just be done with it. Let them think that they've won. Go back in 10 years, after you've preserved all your energy and used it into creating more amazing things for yourself, and then see who's really won. That would be my advice honestly, because if they're going to be getting into these little matches to see to always have the last word and always win the argument, those are going to be the ones that are going to be left alone in the end, because no one's going to want to stick around for that unless they change their ways which they might, who knows, everyone can change, but that's on their time, not yours, and their decision, not yours. Okay, let's see where we're at here.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 25:03

That beautifully leads into the next point, which is trying to get them to admit that they did you wrong will almost A never happen, and B it will not be the thing that makes them treat you right going forward. Do you understand that? We can sit here and we can. You know we can tolerate and I know because I've done this for so many, so many years Tolerate being treated so badly in relationships in the past so badly, and you know I spent so much time and energy fighting for them to admit that they did me wrong, that they treated me unwell, that they disrespected me, and I wanted them to own that and verbally, like communicate that out loud. Sometimes they did, usually they didn't, but I can tell you what never happened and never stopped them from doing it again. Are you hearing me?

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 26:08

Even if they can, even if you know they may deny it, they may deny that they ever treated you badly. They may have every excuse in the world for what, what they did, what they did, every, every justification, every rationalization for how you know they disrespected you. They could have every excuse in the world. Or they could actually say oh, you know what, you're right. I actually did kind of dissee you. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that. You know what. They did it again the next week, and then the week after that, and then the week after that, and then the week after that. What's that saying? I think it was by Maya Angelou when people show you who they are, believe them, Because just because you've called them out isn't going to change anything.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 26:52

My advice to you would be stop calling people out on their bad behavior. Well, okay, call them out, give them a chance. Maybe they had a bad moment. I'll give them the benefit of the doubts once or twice. Tops, maybe they were having a bad moment. Maybe they didn't realize how their actions or their words, or non-actions, or non-words affected you. And then, when you pointed out to me, oh my oh. When you pointed out to them, they could be like, oh my gosh, I didn't realize that that's how that might be perceived or that's how you felt in that moment. And then you can work together to come up with an alternative ending to those scenarios. But if they're doing it again and again, they can change, and you calling them out on it isn't going to change it. It doesn't change anything.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 27:43

You know what usually ends up happening. Actually, it's a hybrid of the two. I'll tell you what usually ended up happening in the past. I would entertain these partners who would do these disrespectful things, and then I would call them out and at first they would resist giving in and owning up to what they had done. And then eventually they'd be like well, hey, you know what, you're right, maybe it was a little bit unfair that I did that, maybe it was a little mean, maybe it was a little bit disrespectful. Hey, you know what, I'm sorry, I don't want to do it again. And they'll be on their best behavior for about a week or two.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 28:13

And then, surely, what ends up happening is they end up defaulting back to that behavior, because it's who they are and part of loving someone is accepting them as they are. Now hear me out on this, because this is very important. Are you listening? Hold on. Just because you love and accept them for who they are, so I love and accept this person for being a jerk. He disrespects me all the time. That doesn't mean you need to be in relationship with him.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 28:43

Sometimes, loving and accepting someone for who they are means letting them go because they do not fit what you choose to be in relationship with. So, instead of trying to mold them into something that you're not, you're going to choose to love and accept them for who they are and say Sayonara, I'm going to go out there and actually find the kind of partner that I do want to invest my energy and time into. Do you hear me? No more molding, no more manipulating to try and get your way and get them to act the way they want them to act or say the things that you want them to say. Take them for face value. Really trust the person that they're showing you that they are and then decide is this a person I want to be with? Is this not a person I want to be with? If it's not the person that you want to be with. Let them go. There's no point in wasting your precious time and energy trying to mold them into something that you want them to be, that they don't want to be themselves. Okay, that is not loving, that's actually controlling. So let that go.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 29:54

Next, what do we got? Oh good, I love this one. This is actually one of my favorite ones. I should have probably put this one last, but waiting for someone to choose you is the same thing as telling them that you are not worth choosing. I'm going to say that again. Please open your ears, please hear me when I say this Waiting for someone to choose you is the same thing as telling them that you're not worth choosing.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 30:24

Stop waiting around for someone to choose you. I don't care if you're in a situation a friend with benefits, a, I'm going to love you from afar. Pretend that we don't know each other, but we endlessly text and chat on the phone, or he's with someone else even, and you're not even in any communication. But you're hoping that one day he's going to recognize that you are the love of his life. He's going to leave his now partner, he's going to choose you and the two of you are going to live happily ever after? Okay, listen, even if it was going to happen, wouldn't you rather be with someone who is choosing to be with you now, today? Because by choosing to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you, what you're saying and you're putting out there is please send me people who don't want to be with me.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 31:18

Is that the intention that you want to put out into the universe? Or are you only available for people who choose you now, here, present, moment today? And if there's no one around you right now, choosing you, right, this, moment, present, here, today, you're going to go off and live your best life until that person shows up and you're not going to settle for anything less, because settling for anything less is not doing you any justice, unless it's what you want. If you really want to friends with benefits because you're focused on your career, you're doing other things in your life. You just want to release a little stress every now and then by all means do it. But if you're sacrificing your desires, right. If you're sacrificing your desires for a relationship and you're settling for some bullshit friends with benefits or a relationship situation, you are not doing yourself any favors, when what you truly desire to have in your life is a loving and committed relationship and you are settling for situations and it's complicated relationships and fuck boys. You and I want you to hear me are moving yourself further away from what you want because you're telling the universe that you're okay with settling for what you don't.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 32:47

Okay, action, choices these are intentions that we make without even realizing it. We're manifesting all the time. People talk about manifestation and they get this thing, that's this process. It's not. We're constantly manifesting. We're constantly putting out an energetic vibration for what it is we want to call more of into our world. And if you're going to live your best of these things that are clear, clear, clear, outspoken no, you're basically contradicting what you want.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 33:16

Okay. So a more empowered choice would be for you to say no to the fucking situations, say no to the complicated relationship statuses, say no to the fuck boys and just go about live your best life until a reasonable option for what you do want actually shows up. If you two mesh well together and if your two worlds could collide in a beautiful and magical way, all right. Don't settle for less if you don't want it. What you want right. Like I said, if you want right now is a fling. By all means have that fling. If that's all you're wanting and needing, great, that's your choice. Maybe you don't want to entertain any relationships right now, and that's your choice too.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 33:55

The important thing is that you back up your choice with an aligned action. Right backing up your choice within misaligned action is just going to fog up your energy. Universe isn't going to know what to bring you. Just give her a fucking buffet. Choose what she wants. There are some pretty shitty things on the buffet table, let me tell you. I don't know if you want to try everything on that table. So you know, be careful what intentions you put out there. So what you want is someone who's going to choose you, who will gladly choose you, who will choose you again and again and again, and who will always act like someone who's choosing you every single day. By the way he talks to you, by the way he messages you, by the way he makes dates with you, by the way he makes weekend plans with you these are all things that show you again and again. This person is choosing you and if that's what you want, you wait for that and you don't settle for anything less. Got it, okay? Oh, another very important one. Oh, these are getting juicy as we get towards the end. Okay, and this is coming from a people pleaser you have to be willing to do the unpleasing thing.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 36:49

I did so much work on my people pleasing to the point where you know I was constantly doing all these like healing meditations and journal exercises and all these things to break free from my people pleasing ways. Here's a funny story. I thought that all the work that I was doing was going to make me energetically aligned to a scenario where everyone, where I could just be me right, be fully me, be fully expressed, be fully authentic, and everyone would be happy with me, just as I was. And I was like this is how it gets to work, isn't it? Isn't this how this shit works when we do the healing? No, not always.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 37:32

Sometimes, as a people pleaser, your biggest lesson is being okay with people being unpleased with you, and that in itself is a very empowering lesson because and I'll tell you, it's really uncomfortable at first. It really is, it still is sometimes, but it is the most empowering lesson because there's so much freedom in that, because now, as you start to do that more and more, you know something happens and you, something starts to shift. You know you do the unpleasing thing. Someone gets unpleased, it's a little bit uncomfortable, it's uncomfortable as fuck. And you do it again and they get unpleased. Or another person gets unpleased and it's still a little bit uncomfortable. Then you do another thing and then another person becomes unpleased with you and then it's okay, fuck, whatever. You know we've been here before, we've done this before. Then you get to the fifth, sixth, seventh, tenth thing that you're doing. That's the unpleasing thing. And suddenly everyone is unpleased with you and you're like fuck it, I don't care.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 38:24

I spent 40 years trying to please you people. You know you can align yourself with the partners, the friends, the workplaces that are pleased with you just for being you, and that starts with filtering out the ones that are very noticeably unpleased with the real you, and sometimes they even come around. Sometimes it's just a show. They'll act like they're unpleased with the choices you've made or the actions you've taken or not, and then they get over it and then you all move on and live happily ever after. But sometimes those are the relationships that you need to let go, and it's very telling. It's very telling when you find the courage to do the unpleasing thing, who is for you and who is not. So use that, use that as data, use that as information that you can use to kind of create your trajectory forward. That's all it is.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 39:23

But when you un-attach yourself from that fear of being unpleasing, there is so much freedom in that, because now this thing, this question, the back of your mind, will they be pleased? Will they be pleased? Will they be pleased? Will no longer be running the show for you? Now alignment becomes your guiding light, not what everyone else is wanting or expecting from you, and that is where true fulfillment comes from. So when you break free from the fear of doing the unpleasing thing and become okay with doing the unpleasing thing and thinking, hey, maybe it's actually the best thing for me to do the unpleasing thing, because it usually is then you've opened up your world to a whole other world of possibilities. Do you feel me on that? Like that's really important. I really want you to let that sink in. You have to be willing to do the unpleasing thing, okay. Okay, leads us too.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 40:23

If you lose them like we kind of touched on this already but if you lose them because you choose to speak your truth or be yourself, then they were never yours to begin with. I want you to hear that when I say that If you lose them because you speak your truth or because you're being yourself, they were never yours to begin with. The people who were meant for you will be there. When you're being yourself, when you're speaking your truth, when you are the most aligned and truest expression of who you are, those are the people that are meant for you. Everyone else is just. You know, they're an acquaintance, a convenient connection, someone who's there to get something or feel something that they can't cultivate within themselves and vice versa. You know, those are the connections you need to let go of.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 41:13

I tell you, it gets I'm not going to say it gets lonely at the top, but you start to intermingle with a lot less people, let me tell you, and it becomes a beautiful way to live your life because you're very clear on who and what you're willing to allow into your energetic space and you're not willing to compromise anymore. And that has been such a gift for me. And so I'm actually having a happy having a small circle of friends that I can really resonate with and be myself with and know that you know, if I'm not my best self one day, or if I do something that maybe doesn't agree with them, they're not going to like hold it against me because they love me for who I am and not for who they need me to be in order to feel better about themselves, right, and vice versa. So, you know, really, let that sink in for a little bit and, you know, think about how you can maybe let go of some of the relationships that you've attracted into your world and maybe don't worry about replacing them. You know, leave it to the small short list. Leave it to the short list, right, short list.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 42:28

It Stick with your short list of connections and friendships, the ones that really align with you. You don't need anything more than that. You find that as you get older, it just adds, it just clouds up your space and your energy and your vibe and you just don't need it. What you need is to be aligned with a few people, a few solid people that you feel connected to, that, you feel kinship with that. You know, you feel like you can kind of be yourself with right, and if you need to give them shit every now and then you can do that, and if they're going to give you shit every now and then. They can do that too, and you can all like, give each other shit together and everything will be harmonious. Right, never perfect, but it's harmonious. So that's what I want for you. Those are the relationships that I want you to surround yourself with, not the other bullshit relationships that call themselves friendships or partners or whatever. They're not. If they're not into you for being the real you, then they're not for you.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 43:25

Simple said, done, finished. Oh, this is another good one. I have no idea which one is my favorite. One honestly Like. If I had to pick one, I think I would struggle. Wow, we're going on 40 minutes.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 43:37

Other people's bad behavior has nothing to do with you when they people do bad things, when people are unhappy, when people are angry. When people are angry, unhappy with you, when they're actually calling you out and saying I'm pissed at you because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, it actually has very little to do with you and more to do with them. And I really want you to hear that, because so many times people will project their shit onto you, project their frustrations, their unhappiness, their unfulfillment, their jealousy, their rage, their toxicity, their needy-ness, their attachment. I've seen this in my dating life so many times Like it's unreal. Even in my friendships I've seen this where people are just projecting their crap onto you and not actually communicating with you in a very constructive, emotionally mature way. They're just throwing shit at you.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 44:32

That is not your responsibility, it has nothing to do with you, it is not your mess to clean up, it is not your circus, it is not your fucking monkeys. Walk the fuck away, because that is not yours. You worry about what's on your side of the yard. Let them worry about theirs. People are projecting their shit onto you. You don't need that. That is not yours to fix and as a people pleaser, it's almost like a form of abuse, because we will then take that and abuse ourselves. Oh my God, what have I done? What have I done wrong? Oh my God, I'm terrible. Oh my God, I need to change. No enough. That is not yours and I hate to actually say this and I'm not sure you know energetically, I think maybe because people pleasers do often feel like we're always letting people down. So I guess we attract that.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 45:25

You attract a lot of that until, until you choose not to take responsibility for how they're feeling, how they're behaving and what they're doing or saying, and you become willing to, like we said before, do the unpleasing thing, because that's what's aligned for you, and that's when those people stop showing up. They will drop off the face of the earth. They will just disappear. You won't even have to have a confrontation with them, they'll just like go off and do other things. Universal take care of it for you, because you made the intentional choice of not being available for that anymore. Hallelujah, congratulations. I'm so happy for you.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 46:07

Last but not least and this is very important, I really want you to hear me on this the key to living a life that feels great is to feel the feeling that you're trying so desperately to avoid. If there's something that you're avoiding, you're avoiding getting into relationships and being vulnerable relationships because you don't want to get hurt. You're avoiding being really successful in your career because you're afraid you're going to fuck it up and you're going to fail. You're going to get fired, you're going to get canned, you're going to lose the business. Whatever it is that you're fearing, right, and you're making choices to avoid feeling that feeling pain, loss, rejection, abandonment. I will challenge you and this is, you know, a lot of times when we work in session together, this is what we do. I am one who believes that we I will never gas at you for feeling something like anger or hatred or anything or make you feel bad for it.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 47:06

I think there is a time and place for every single human emotion for us to experience, and I think, the most beautiful and freeing thing when we talk about emotional freedom. There's a number of ways we can achieve emotional freedom in session. When we do it, we I use like an inner child technique to kind of you know, move through the emotional body and gain that emotional freedom there is, there is so much freedom in feeling, moving through very gently, very lovingly and very patiently, whatever that feeling is that you're avoiding. So, whether it's again fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of judgment, when we learn to face that fear, to feel it and to feel it fully and to allow it to move through us and to cry it out, journal it out, punch it out, scream it out in a pillow, when we learn to do that and so that we've moved through to the other side of that emotion, that is the most freeing experience and now the avoidance of that feeling is no longer what's governing your choices, because this is where we often fuck up our lives. Right, we want to avoid feeling something, so we make the choices that are going to keep us from feeling the thing that we think we're going to feel.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 48:24

So, for me, I didn't want to feel judgment, so I continued to make choices that would please everyone else, because I didn't want to be the target of their judgments, and so I created this completely inauthentic life. And it wasn't until I moved through the discomfort of being judged and doing the unpleasing thing that I started to create a more aligned and more authentic life and suddenly became okay with the judgment and people being unpleased with me and saying, okay, fuck it, you don't like what I'm doing, you don't like me, by all means, go somewhere else. Bye, you don't need to stick around, I don't need you here, you don't like what I'm doing. That's your choice and be okay with that. And that has been the most liberating thing. And when you do that, when you're no longer letting the fear of that feeling, whatever it is that you're avoiding, govern your decision making, you can make aligned life choices. So now I can make a crazy career choice because I'm not so afraid of people who are going to think they're going to judge me.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 49:30

You can, in your sake maybe, if you want to not be in a relationship for a while you know, not be in a relationship for right now because you want to hold out for the partner that really feels aligned to you, regardless of what everyone else is saying around you you can do that and you can go on and live your best life until that partner shows up. If you decide that you want to be a partner with a partner that nobody else really approves of or agrees with, you can say okay, I hear you, I see you, but I'm just going to continue to do my thing right and choose a partner that is most aligned for you. If you want to make that bold ass career move and apply for that promotion that you've always wanted, that you've been too afraid to fail at or leave your career and maybe you know, think about starting your own business that you've been avoiding doing for so long because you're so afraid of failing maybe you'll actually give that a fair opportunity now because you're not letting the fear make your decisions for you. You are making the decisions for you and that has been the most empowering thing of all. So that wraps up this episode. Oh my God, 45 minutes. I can't even freaking believe we went this far.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 50:31

So next week we're kicking off a brand new series here on the Femcast. It's going to be called the Heart and Sass series. It's the secret to cultivating empowered relationships in life and in love. Not sure exactly how many parts it's looking like five to seven, but we'll see. So stick around, make sure you're following, make sure you subscribe, make sure you turn on your notification so that you see that come through. Remember to love yourself the way you want to be loved, and I promise you you will be.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 50:59

If you're ready to create a massive up level in your relationships and your life, click the link below this podcast and book your one on one intensive with me. These are powerful 90 minute sessions where we're going to get laser focused to create massive change in transformation. If you've got a question, if there's anything you're struggling with, curious about or just dying to know, hit me up at mariethefemcoachcom and let me know all about it. Who knows, you just might inspire the next episode of the Femcast and if you love this episode, it would mean the world to me if you would leave a positive reading and review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you're listening to this episode, 46 minutes y'all. That's all for now, you guys. Until next time, massive love.