HOW TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT YOU REALLY WANT)

Have you ever struggled with how to know what you want in a relationship? If so, I totally get you. For the longest time, I had no clue what I was looking for in a relationship. All I knew was everything I didn't want.

No douchebags.
No duds.
No scrubs. 

That was the extent of my criteria. Then one day I realized that I had known exactly what I wanted all along. And the best part was, it was being revealed to me in all the douchebags, duds and scrubs I had been dating, again and again

That's why in this episode of The Femme Cast, I am going to share with you how to use every relationship that you've ever had, to identify what you're really looking for in a relationship. 

This episode is for you if: 

1. You really have no idea what you want in a relationship
2. All you know is what you don’t want 
3. All you’ve experienced up until this point is a plethora of don’t wants 

Consider this episode your toolkit for transformation, offering you a practical strategy to identify your ideal relationship. Once you're done, you'll feel like you have your very own 'Ideal Relationship Checklist' that is based on real, soul-aligned ideals. Imagine knowing your non-negotiables, the qualities that will make your heart sing, and recognizing the difference between fleeting attraction and enduring connection. 

As I share my personal non-negotiables, picture yourself crafting a list that's authentically yours—because as you know, when it comes to relationships, settling is not in our vocabulary. 

Let's do this. 

Are you ready to create a massive uplevel in your life and relationships? If so, use the link below to book your 90-minute Uplevel + Flow Intensive. This is a powerful 90-minute session where we go deep to energetically shift one relationship pattern you are ready to break free from, so you can magnetize more loving and supportive relationships without the chase...just flow!
https://thefemmecast.com/uplevel-and-flow-intensive

Are you ready to begin your heart healing journey today and manifest the love that you desire? If so, use the link below to register for my Uplevel + Flow Meditation Series . A 3 part series designed to help you heal from heartbreak and manifest love you've always wanted, but never thought you would find.
https://thefemmecast.ck.page/meditations

Are you ready to rewrite your love story + glow from the inside out as you become a magnet for the love you've always known you deserved? If so, use the link below to register for my 21 Day Radical Self-Love Challenge.
https://thefemmecast.ck.page/21daychallenge

Want more daily inspiration an tips on how you can uplevel your relationships and your life through the art of radical self-love? If so, use the link below to con...

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:32

Hey you guys, what is up and welcome back to the show. I'm so excited and grateful to have you here and I'm very, actually very excited for today's conversation, because it was a big realization that I had a little while ago and it really changed the direction of my relationships from that point on. So there was life before this realization and then there was life after this realization. So this is all about setting your relationship intention, so getting really clear and accessing the blueprint to the relationship that you really want. This is the relationship that is most aligned for you, and if you can keep a secret shh, it's coded in all the douchebags and dads that you've already dated. I kid you not. The answer is there, and all those douchebags and dads serve a very powerful purpose. So be grateful for them, even though it doesn't feel like it when you're in it. This episode is for you If you really have no idea what relationship you want or what you're looking for in a relationship. This is for you. If all you know is what you don't want in a relationship, and this is also for you if all you've experienced up until this point is a bunch of don't want. So if this sounds like you in any way, shape or form. Stick around, we're gonna jump right into it.

Speaker 1: 1:49

So once upon a time, anytime, anybody would ask me what I was looking for in a relationship. All I could tell them I would just go on a rant on all the things that I did not want. I knew everything about the guy. I didn't wanna date ever again. I had him like I had his. I basically I could have had his poster on my fridge or something like a wanted sign, like, but in this case it'd be an unwanted sign With ransom. Please keep this dude away from me if you see him, please. I had him. I had his characteristics, I had his behaviors, I had his mannerisms, I had his style of dress. I had every. I knew exactly what it was that I didn't want.

Speaker 1: 2:32

And anytime somebody would ask me what are you looking for? Oh, my God, well, I know I can tell you what I don't want, you know, and I would just go off and then one day very good friend of mine she's like okay, well, I get it. I got that. I've heard that thousand times. We've been down that road. What do you want? And I kid you not, I was tongue tied. I was like I don't know. I actually had no clue what I wanted in a relationship and it was the one thing. You know, sometimes the universe plays little games with us, right?

Speaker 1: 3:12

It's like not hide or seek hide or seek isn't the right word it's like hide or seek, show and see it, instead of show and tell. It's like show and see if you like it. Do you like this one, do you like this one? Do you like this one? No, no, no, no, no. Well, you got to tell it what you want, right, and that is really really, really, really, really important. And even as I'm saying this, right, I'm like, yeah, yeah, that was such a big turning point for me because and even now as I'm talking, I'm like, oh, I'm even getting like more clarity as I'm having this conversation with you guys. So, okay, anyway, I digress.

Speaker 1: 3:50

So I was that girl who God forbid you ever asked her what she was looking for in a relationship and she would go off on a tangent of everything that she didn't want. Raise your hand if this is you right. And so many of us do this, and it's not for it's not because we're bad people, but it's like we've been burned and it hurts when you get burned. So you know exactly what burned you the last time, or you don't get burned again. You know it's like a child who burns his hand on the stove, right? You don't want to go back to that. So, you know, give yourself some grace, it's fine, it's you know, it's why we're all here. But there is something that you need to be aware of when you practice this kind of pattern, and there's also a way to reverse engineer it so that it can work in your favor. Okay, and that's what we're going to kind of help you to do today. I don't know how long today is going to be. I've got some notes in front of me, like, but it might not be that long, so we'll see how. We'll see how we fare.

Speaker 1: 4:41

But so let's go back, okay, after my period of dating nothing but douchebags for what felt like a lifetime literally a lifetime, actually I was just having the conversation with a friend of mine the other day. As we're getting ready, we're planning for my 50th birthday, which is coming up in April. I know, my God, 50. When did this happen? How did life go by so fast? Not that it's over, but you know what I mean. Like I don't know where 50 years went. I really don't. I certainly don't feel like I'm 50. I certainly don't act like I'm 50.

Speaker 1: 5:13

But we were talking, you know, we were just kind of reflecting on, you know, we were talking about what we're going to do for our birthday and then we were reflecting on our age and we were reflecting on the time, like the last few years and everything that we kind of transformed, and I said, you know what it dawned on me? I spent my 20s like trying to find Mr Right. I spent my 30s trying to make it work with Mr Wrong and then I spent my 40s totally healing from my 20s and my 30s and all the damage that that did to my emotional well-being. So in my 50s I can't be fucked with, just so you're clear. So whatever I say here today, please I mean always say, take what I say with a grain of salt, but please hear what I'm about to tell you. Okay, please, like, just open your heart, open your mind, open your eyes. Let's see what we can do here, because I do bring some life experience to the table. Okay, and there's no reason for you to be wasting your time with duds and douchebags. Okay, so let's go back after dating, nothing but douchebags for what felt like a lifetime right, with a few exceptions here and there that were close to something I probably would have wanted in a loving relationship.

Speaker 1: 6:27

I went on my seven-year relationship hiatus and this was just basically like I wasn't. Like you know, I wasn't trying to join a monastery. People have asked me were you trying to, like, find Christ and listen? I'm a very Christian person, but I wasn't trying to be. You know, I wasn't going on a what's it called like a celibacy thing. It was just I was done. Okay, that was it. I was done. I was tired. I didn't want to date another douchebag. I didn't want to date another dud. I didn't even I didn't even want to date or entertain another. Mr Gooden, up for right now.

Speaker 1: 7:06

I embodied the belief of number one. I knew what I was getting clear, and this is what we're gonna talk about today. I got really clear on who I wanted to be with and what he looked like and what he brought to my life. Right, I got really clear and I was no longer willing to settle. That was number one. Number two I was exhausted from dating and, like the heartbreak and the turmoil, like I just wanted I needed some me time. I needed a time out. I needed to do myself love work. I needed to focus on healing myself and putting myself back together. I had no time. I had no time for BS and in this process right, this is where the identifying what it was that I really wanted really started to come into place, right Through this process and through this journey.

Speaker 1: 7:57

And then, when I finally figured out what I wanted, I didn't wanna settle. I didn't wanna settle for anything less. I would rather and this is really and truly the biggest indicator of where you are in your self-love journey If you can choose, to just be with yourself and choose your own company and know that your person is out there and be willing and patient to wait for him to come around, rather than settling for something that you don't want because you're afraid that he won't show up or he won't love you or you'll never find him, or blah, blah, blah. That says something about how much you love yourself. I am not willing to lower my standards to spend time with someone until Mr Wright comes along. It's also not fair to the other person, you know. That's not to say I wouldn't explore if someone was Mr Wright or not.

Speaker 1: 8:40

Obviously, every relationship takes time to evolve. But when you know, you know right. So why waste time? Why waste my time, why waste their time, my energy, my emotional bandwidth on something that really isn't aligned for me right? And that's really a decision that I came to throughout the seven year. Initially it was, I would say, for the first five years of it. I'm tired, I'm done, I don't wanna date anybody. In the last two years it was like, no, I'm not dating anybody until I know that this person brings something to my life that I value, right, an experience. So there you have it. So anyways, so going back into that period from so let's just try and hone in on that period between I don't wanna date, I'm exhausted to. Yeah, I'm actually open to dating, but only if it's someone that I could see myself with right, I started to get clear, and I think that was when I had the conversation, you know, with a friend of mine and said wait, what do you want?

Speaker 1: 12:10

I really wasn't sure. Again, I knew what I didn't want. I was very clear on that, but I had no real idea. I couldn't really quantify or express in a conversation what it was that I was looking for in a relationship. I said, okay, I need to start here. And here's why. When I look back on all those years where all I was talking about was what I didn't want, guess what I was attracting Literally more to the T every time was more of what I didn't want. So I knew I needed to change the internal dialogue I was having around my potential partners. I knew I needed to get more clear and specific about what I wanted in a relationship and I knew I needed to spend more time and energy talking about those things and speaking those into reality, rather than everything that I didn't want.

Speaker 1: 13:07

Now, again, going back to that time period, there was still a part of me that was anxious and afraid to going back into dating again. So I probably dragged my heels for quite a bit before I did it because it was scary for me. I did. A lot of my partners were very narcissistic type, very emotionally abusive a lot of bullying, criticizing, lying, gaslighting so for me it was very scary to really open myself up and be vulnerable in a relationship again. So in essence it actually served me because I was almost extra careful about who I would consider letting into my world and to get to know me and oftentimes I can remember thinking if I could just find the right one, everything would be fine.

Speaker 1: 14:02

But the problem was I thought that if I could just find this right person, all my fear and anxiety would just go away and I would just know. The problem was I wouldn't be able to recognize him because I didn't know what the right one was, what he looked like, who he was, how he carried himself, how did he communicate? How did he process his emotions? What life experience did he bring to the relationship? I couldn't articulate that. So how would I know him when I saw him?

Speaker 1: 14:34

Now, that's not to say that I'm always a believer of. It's great to put down ideas of what we think, we want and what speaks to us, but whenever I've sat down to do this exercise before, it was very superficial, right. It was like oh, he has a good job, he owns his own house or condo, he drives, he, there's all these things. The important thing really is it goes a lot. We have to be willing to go deeper when we're looking at these things that are important to us in a relationship. We have to be willing to go so much deeper and I needed to go so much deeper and I started to write this list and I wrote things that I knew, in a perfect world, everyone else was kind of asking for and would put on their list. And yeah, this sounds great. And yeah, I would love a guy who looked like this, or did this in a spare time, or enjoyed the same foods that I do, or loved nature hikes as much as I do, or loved the outdoors in general the way I did, and loved to go camping and things right, or, but then also loved to go out for a night on the town every night on then and celebrate that way.

Speaker 1: 15:50

So all good, all good answers, because I think it is important that you have some things in common that you enjoy to do together. I think that makes it just makes for more fun as a couple. You know I'm all for two whole beings coexisting and co-operating to create their best life together and individually. That's always my go-to when I think about an aligned relationship, but it is nice to have shared activities that you both enjoy. It just makes life fun. You know to do that that way. That's not to say you have to agree on everything, but you know things that you can do together.

Speaker 1: 16:32

So those things I was like, okay, well, yeah, you know that sounds great, but it's still like I was meeting people who like the same things and it just wasn't there. You know it wasn't either. You know my soul wasn't jumping on the wagon going yeah, that one. Or, you know, I just kind of felt like there were some red flags and you know, I knew, I just I knew this needed to go way deeper. And so, you know, what I started to do from that point is, rather than focusing on, you know, everything that I didn't want and making sure that I didn't date that and those qualities ever again, I decided I was going to put all my energy into figuring out what I did want it and basically what I did want and basically how I did. That is, I started to take an inventory of all of my past relationships and I started to look at which ones felt aligned. Why did they feel aligned? Which ones didn't feel aligned? Why didn't they feel aligned? What did I love about this relationship, right? What was so exciting or what gave you those butterflies in this relationship? Right, that was missing and all the others right. What about that relationship was really uncomfortable or triggering or created a lot of anxiety right in that experience and really started to list them out, and I started to notice a very obvious pattern in doing that and I would encourage you all to do that and in fact, that's what's going to be your homework. You're going to get homework today, just FYI, but that will be your homework.

Speaker 1: 18:15

I started to notice a very distinct pattern. The things that I loved about each and every one of my partners, although very different, always made me feel a certain way, and the things that I didn't like about my partners always made me feel a certain way. So the ones that I tended to love or appreciate or enjoy with the ones who made me feel loved, made me feel beautiful, made me feel wanted, made me feel, made me laugh right and made me feel, I don't know, spirited is the right word. But there's this theme of fun and love and adventure and play, and that's really important to me in a relationship, and without that it is very difficult for me to be in a relationship, because I am very much that way and so if I'm with a partner where we can't kind of play together and have fun together, I mean, yeah, great, he could be a partner, but it's not going to have that same effect right that it would if we can kind of be playful together and that's not to say we have to do the same things all the time but that air of playfulness, a fun of adventure, is very important to me.

Speaker 1: 19:30

And then there was also the things that I didn't want. The things that I didn't want. What they had in common was they all made me feel abandoned and rejected. So, bingo, I know I had some work to do, right. So here's the thing when we look at our relationship patterns and if you've ever worked with me in one-on-one session, this is what we do we go into your relationship patterns and we think of okay, well, what is it that these relationships are making you feel that you love and what is it that they're making you feel that you don't love? And what you don't love is what you do. Love is usually what you get addicted to and what you keep going back for, and what you don't love is usually the things that you don't want to look at or need to kind of work on for yourself. So I knew I needed to work on this abandonment wound and this rejection wound right Whenever I feel like abandoned or neglected or rejected in any way doesn't feel good.

Speaker 1: 20:18

But there was also some other things. Obviously, honesty was very important to me. Having dated people who were constantly cheating, lying and gaslighting, honesty was very important to me and that needed to be fundamental in any relationship. There needs to be honesty, right and open communication. I dated a lot of people who didn't know how to communicate or didn't know how to process their emotions. That needs to be present for me in order for it to be, for me to feel like a healthy relationship, there needs to be some level of communication. There needs to be Okay, thank you. There needs to be an element of you know, a certain degree of compassion and respect. You know, like I said, I dated a lot of bullies, people who would put me down, criticize me, even if it was just in a joking way. It just wasn't nice and I'm all for a little bit like playful banter. But it has its limits, right. There has to be some compassion and kindness there and without that it's kind of like, you know, not really available for it, right? So I knew I was starting to get really clear and so I broke it down into these themes of what it was that I was wanting and looking for, and then you know, it started to come together like pieces of a puzzle.

Speaker 1: 21:34

If you were to take all of the relationships or let's just not say all, the, let's say all the relationship that you loved, right, your best relationships, the ones you enjoyed the most, even though they may have ended badly and left a sour taste in your mouth, but the ones that you really, maybe the ones you had a really hard time getting over, right, always look at those as well. What were those relationships giving you that you didn't feel that you can give yourself? Right, that is so important. And then look at the qualities of those relationships that made you feel that way. Right, what was it about these people that you really loved? I loved that they were very communicative. I loved that they were complimentary. I loved that they were passionate. I loved that they were adventurous. I loved that they were playful. I loved that they made me laugh.

Speaker 1: 22:16

You know, what were all those things that you really looked for as qualities that really sparked the connection between the two of you? Right? These are important, so you want to pay very close attention to those and you want to put those down on your list. And then you want to look at all the things that you didn't like, right, that were very triggering, and you want to look at some of the core beliefs around that and where those are coming from. You have to start to move through those and do the work on those on your own so that you can come to a relationship as a whole being right, not with holes that need to be filled from a partner, because that's where you create the toxicity.

Speaker 1: 22:56

And then you want to look at what were some of the behaviors that you didn't want to tolerate in a relationship. What were they? Was it the lying, cheating, definitely. Was it the being emotionally unavailable? Was it not having time to really devote to a relationship and put the work in? Was it not doing the work in a relationship? Because, I hate to tell you, all relationships take a certain degree of work and both parties have to be willing to do the work. So really get clear on what were those things that were really missing for you and that you needed, and then you've got your list of what you want right.

Speaker 1: 23:35

When you have your list of what you don't want, now I want you to take the list of what you don't want, and I want you to write it in reverse. So if I don't want somebody who lies to me which obviously I don't I want somebody who's honest and forthcoming, right. If I don't want somebody who's a bully, right and who takes the banter way too far, you know, I want somebody who's kind and compassionate and complimentary. You know, if I don't want somebody who's emotionally unavailable or absent in any way, I'm looking for somebody to be present with me in the relationship and to be all in and to be fully committed to the relationship right, and to be willing to do the work with me. That's not to say that they're again, you know and you can see where some of these qualities that I'm drawing on and some of these criteria for what I'm looking for in a relationship, you know, they're not drawing on.

Speaker 1: 24:33

He makes this much, he has this car, he wears these clothes, he goes. You know he does this kind of a job. What are they? They're not based on material things, they're not even based on what he looks like physically. They're more based on how he shows up in the relationship. And how are? How? Are two like dynamics can kind of engage together in a way that that that is aligned right.

Speaker 1: 25:06

That's really the important thing. And you'll find that you know all your relationships that you've had in the past have been giving you clues as to what you want and don't want. So, even the ones that you didn't like and didn't enjoy, and you knew there was things that you know you didn't really appreciate, they were trying to teach you what you didn't want in a relationship, because sometimes we do ask for things that we don't want. You know I remember saying I asked you know I want a really passionate partner. You know passion almost comes with. Not to say that you can't have passion, that's not. No, let me rephrase that there can be plenty of passion in a relationship without toxicity and imbalances. But you have to be clear, right, you just have to be clear. And if passion is an important characteristic for you, put it down on your list, you know, because it is an important part of a relationship. So if that means something to you and that is important to you, then put that down.

Speaker 1: 26:02

And what I want you to do is then I want you to take your list of everything that you've written down that you like and all the opposites of what you don't like, and I want you to put the ball into a list of criteria. This is what I'm looking for in a partner and I want you to call with that at the top this is what a partner qualities that I'm seeking in a partner, top of the page. Then I want you to write a list of all the things you want, and then I want you or that you loved, and then I want you to write a list of all the opposites of what you didn't want, right? So you've got two lists going, all written in almost like positive affirmation sort of I have a partner who's loving, I have a partner who's kind. I have a partner who's compassionate. I have a partner who's passionate. I have a partner who is very communicative, who's honest and forthcoming Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1: 26:49

Then I want you to rank them what's your most important to your least important, and I would say your general five. The top five would be your non-negotiables. Everything else you can kind of be a little bit flexible on, because we're never not to that, we're never going to get exactly what we want. But we have to leave room to be surprised, you guys, because we may not have seen all the qualities we like and don't like. Yet there could still be more out there we need to pay attention to. So, you know, always leave yourself open to be surprised. So put them in order.

Speaker 1: 27:19

Top five I would probably three to five, I would probably say are your non-negotiables. Like, I've gotten really clear for me, a non-negotiable is a partner who is honest and forthcoming, who is committed to me and the relationship and to doing the work, who is passionate, who is fun and playful and adventurous and who's affectionate. Those are my five non-negotiables right. And I know that now and I'm not going to settle for anything outside of those five things Okay, everything else can be figured out. So really get clear what it is that you want. Really get clear on what your top three to five are right. What are your non-negotiables? And that's not to say keep the others handy, because you may, as you start to play with these ideals, you may shuffle things around a little bit before you get to what your hardcore truth is Like. I know I had to shuffle mine around a little bit and, like I said, you may learn a few more likes and dislikes along this path, but I promise you that when you start to put pen to paper in determining what you want in a relationship and being really crystal clear, really honoring your truth, what your emotional reactions, boundaries, experiences have taught you in the past, and using those as your guideposts for what it is that you're looking for in a real, authentic, meaningful and aligned relationship. And you start speaking in those terms when people ask you.

Speaker 1: 28:59

Now, right after this show, we will ask you what are you looking for in a relationship? Oh well, here's my list. I have it on my phone. I'm looking for someone who does blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I want you to really, really clear and I want you to speak into existence and I want you to keep talking about it, and I want you to know that he's coming, he's available for you, and I want you to keep affirming to yourself that you deserve it and that it's yours and that you know you get to have that relationship that you want.

Speaker 1: 29:26

Otherwise, why would you, why would the universe have paired you with all those duds to make you to bring, if it wasn't to bring you into awareness of what you actually wanted? Right, the universe isn't bad, it's very good, but just sometimes, you know, we learn the hard way. What can I say? Okay, that is your homework for today. So, looking at your past relationships, what you loved about each, what you absolutely hated about each, identify what you would want instead. So what's the opposite? And don't forget to be grateful for everything that you experienced along this journey and how it helps you to figure out what you wanted and then list your top three, put them in order of the most important to the least, and then identify your top three or five as your non-negotiables. That is your assignment this week.

Speaker 1: 30:13

You guys, remember to love yourself the way that you want to be loved, and I promise you you will be. Or if you're ready to create a massive uplevel in your relationships and your life, click the link below the podcast and book your one-on-one intensive with me. These are powerful 90-minute sessions where we get laser focus on one pattern that you're experiencing in your relationships to create massive change and transformation and healing. If you've got a question, if there's anything that you're curious about struggling with or just dying to know, hit me up at mariethefemcoachcom and let me know all about it. Who knows, you just might inspire the next episode of the Femcast and if you love this episode, it would mean the world to me if you would leave a rating and review on Apple Podcast or Spotify or wherever you're listening to this episode. That is all for now, you guys. Until next time, massive love.